Everything was great until we moved in (engaged)

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I think it’s hard to go from the excitement of seeing eachother sporadically to living with someone day in and day out and not expect that there will be some changes. How long have you been living together?  Have you thought or talked about couples counseling with your FI? It may just take some time for things to even out as you adjust to this new aspect of your relationship. 

Post # 4
2480 posts
Buzzing bee

In your shoes, I would think that I was finally seeing who he really is, and what the relationship would really be moving forward. 

LDR are not relflective or indicative of real life.

I had a similar experience when I was in my mid 20’s – met a guy IRL, we hit it off, then did the LDR thing until I finally moved cross country to be with him. From the moment I arrived in town, our relationship changed drastically. All the affection was gone. All the excitement was gone. He was incredibly boring and never wanted to talk or go out and do fun things. 

In hindsight – it was easy for him to “put on a show” during the visits and the phone conversations. And it was easy for ME to take every small morsel of interest and blow it up into a romanticized portrait.

There is a reason most LDR eventually fail. Some work out, but those cases are exeptions to the rule.

If you are feeling diasappointed and (more importantly) you have honestly communicated your feelings on the matter, only to be met with apathy, then this isn’t going to get better.

This is really who he is, and this is really the relationship the two of you have and will have in the future.

The 2 years of LDR were the fantasy – this is reality. 

You should move on, chalk this up to a HUGE learning experience, and marry someone you are more compatible with down the line.  

Post # 5
670 posts
Busy bee

I’m proof that LDR to marriage can work!  But PPs have pointed out how exciting and romantic LDRs can be, and they are right.  My now H and I did LDR for FIVE years and saw each other about every other weekend.  I loved every minute of our LDR.

I’ve been living with him for 3 years now, and married for 2.  Of course that excitement and anticipation  of seeing each other, with all of the romantic communication is not the same.  And of course it can’t be.  We both work full time, we have other commitments with our friends or community, we get tired and cranky.  We aren’t intimate as much as before, BUT we ended up being completely compatible with living together.  It is still romantic, but not with that anticipation ascpect.  

However, we still are excited when we see each other at home, we look forward to spending time together, and I still actually have those feelings as if were were still dating and not an old married couple.  I am living with who he really is, and he’s living with who I really am and we are lucky that we both like it.

I guess you would have to take this as the “real” him, and you as the real you at this point.  Just make sure you do not have the expectation that you will have that rush that you had during the LDR -it’s okay not to as long as you still have the right feelings there 🙂  IT also is not a fair comparison between LDR and day to day living, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that the day to day is “bad”.  I guess only you would really be able to determine that in your heart….

Post # 6
1414 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

My take on your situation is that you guys are going through major life changing events. Him becoming a doctor, as well as your journey to the same destination/working etc..all while moving in together. That’s a lot of stress and expectations to be met! I don’t think your being unreasonable for asking for more time before you guys get married. You are doing the right thing by communicating your needs and worries. If he really loves you he will listen and you will both try to work on your relationship as a team. But you both really have to want it. It can’t be all one sided. You guys have to have a frank discussion and take time to decide if this is what you guys really want. Like PPs said, LDRs can become romatisized and real life isn’t like that usually. You will go through periods of your relationship being chaotic and maybe even “stale” because your going to deal with a lot alone and together. It’s tough and I wish you the best. Hope everything works out! 

Post # 8
4655 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

1. Living together is very different from LDR.  The dynamic of a relationship changes.

2. I moved away from everything I knew to be with my then partner and it was hard.  I was probably depressed.  Sex petered out.  We broke up.  Not saying you will, but this sounds as though this is make or break for your relationship.

I wish you all the best

Post # 9
428 posts
Helper bee

This is who he is. I don’t think you’re compatible long term and life is stressful a lot of the time. If his reaction is to shut down on you even when you express your feelings and want more intimacy NOW then I imagine that will continue as life keeps throwing changes and stress at both of you. This is the test run and a lot of ldrs don’t work out when the distance is closed. Give if a year if that’s what you want and keep communicating about how this can be improved. You are young and do not need to settle for a partner you are not compatible with. 

Post # 10
3473 posts
Sugar bee

If he is happy with the relationship currently, then this is never going to improve. Why waste a year of your life trying to see if it does?

Post # 11
1637 posts
Bumble bee

I would cut down that timelime from one year to three months. LDRs are a risk because it’s just different day to day. Some people find that they work well day to day too, others don’t. You are probably in the latter category and that’s ok. You’re still young and you’re attractive. 

Post # 12
371 posts
Helper bee

sd3205 :  What is happening in the rest of his life? I know medical school can be a nightmare to get through. 

Post # 13
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I’m a third year medical student, currently on my surgery rotation and almost at the end of the year, and I will admit that I am burnt out and exhausted and grumpy and don’t have much time to devote to myself, let alone my fiancé. So I get the struggles, for sure. My fiancé is luckily very supportive through all of this, just like it sounds like you have been towards your SO, but I’m confident that my fatigue and stress is transient and really a result of working long hours in an environment I can’t stand, and will resolve in a couple weeks once I’m off service — do you feel like the same is true of your SO?

I just want to add that, assuming you are in the US, fourth year of medical school is the lightest year in all of medical training — it should be the least stressful with the most free time. Interviews and waiting to match are surely stressful, yes, but the clinical time is generally so much lighter than third year of med school or in residency, with lots more free time and easier rotations. What specialty is he matching into? (Good luck to him this Friday, btw!!) 

The bottom line is that it seems that you want your relationship to be a certain way, and he has no interest in changing to meet those hopes/expectations. Residency is really hard and stressful, and he will need to focus on learning how to actually be a doctor instead of a student and be responsible for patients and work 80 hour weeks — if he isn’t able to (or doesn’t want to) spend some time on your relationship during a much lighter year, chances are high that he won’t be able to (or won’t want to) during the much more intense years to come.

Post # 14
342 posts
Helper bee

I have two throughts on this.  As a PP mentioned, its possible that medical school is taking a toll on him and your relationship.  I became extremely depressed while in law school, and was no treat for my partner to be around.  Sometimes, not everything is about your relationship with another person.  

That said, my law school experience was made worse by a bad partner.  The man I was with at the time was extremely withholding of affection and sex.  The more I brought up our problems, the less he was willing to deal with them.  He was unwilling to make the changes that would make our relationship work.  This made a bad experience worse.  Like you, I ended up crying and upset about my life with no one to turn rely upon.

I do not say this to make your situation worse.  If your partner is willing to address your issues, and work on your intimacy problems, you may be able to save the relaionship.  The issue is that it takes TWO people to reslove relationship problems.  

If he is unwilling to make changes, your relationship is ultimately doomed.  Don’t stick around for a year (given the huge sacarafice you’ve already made) for a man who is unwilling to change his lifestyle for you. 

Only stick around for another year IF he is able to to try to meet your needs.  I do not mean to be unkind, but if you two naturally have differing levels of sexual and intimate needs, this may be a poor fit for both of you.

Best of luck bee!

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