Post # 1
I’m a regular bee but made a different account to post this.
My fiancee and I are from the same area but most of our relationship was long distance because of school. He is finishing medical school and will be a doctor in June. I finished my schooling and moved across the country to be with him last June. We were in a LDR for the first 3 years but saw each other every 2 weeks. We really made our relationship work during the LDR against the odds of us being in a competitive field and living 4 hour flight away. He was always very affectionate and sweet, we were happy, I got along with his family and felt that our relationship was perfect. I never imagined myself getting married but with him I saw that, and we got engaged 2 years ago. We had a few bumps where he was jealous about me being in university and the potential of me meeting someone else, but that all cleared and we were able to get past that after I moved in. During that time that he was insecure and jealous I was very accommodating and did my best to make him feel better.
A month or two after I moved in I noticed that our relationship has been flat. He isn’t affectionate anymore, our sex life is nearly non-existent (once every month or 2 months where before it was 4-5 times a week). I’m practically a roommate. I’m the only one initiating or kissing him. I’m usually a confident and independent person but for the first time in my life I feel self conscious and insecure in our relationship (possibly because I’m the only one making an effort). I’m an attractive woman (physically fit) and younger than him.
With him being unromantic and me being far away from home has taken a toll on me. For the first time in my life I’m crying and emotional every week (mostly because of our relationship). I tried to communicate with him but its getting to the point that it seems that he is getting annoyed, so I’ve been doing my best to not cry and put a brave face around him. Even though we’ve communicated about how things have changed and he acknowledges it, he isnt making an effort to improve our relationship and lack of intimacy/romance. Its almost like since I’ve moved in he 100% has stopped trying in our relationship, but is expecting me to stay around regardless of how I’m feeling. The last 2 months I’ve started feeling uncomfortable with his female friends, knowing its because of my own insecurity with our relationship (in the past female friends never bothered me).
In the past we always said that we were solid in our relationship that we would never break up, but the last two months I’ve been thinking that I’m going to give this next year a final shot. I took a year off from going to grad school (I’m also going into medicine to become a doctor) to be with him this year, and I’ve been working in a stressful but fulfilling field (so I am gone during the day).
Last night I had a dream that he was being intimate with a friend of ours and I realized at this point that I’m becoming crazy over this. I told him in bed this morning that I felt that he should know that I’m going to give our relationship another year and if its not improved I can’t see myself staying and becoming a neurotic and jealous partner that I always swore I never would be. He said he was in shock because he never saw us breaking up (even though he knows I havent been happy about our relationship). He is content with the way things are.
We were planning to get married next year but I postponed it by convincing him that we would be ready financially since he is starting residency this year, and we would need more time to save up. In reality I think a part of me is just not ready to marry him anymore since I’ve seen this change in him. I’m not sure if I’m overreacting, or these are normal changes in a relationship after a couple moves in. Its like moving in has killed our relationship. Can any bees shed light on what I should do or if this is just a normal transition?
Post # 2
I think it’s hard to go from the excitement of seeing eachother sporadically to living with someone day in and day out and not expect that there will be some changes. How long have you been living together? Have you thought or talked about couples counseling with your FI? It may just take some time for things to even out as you adjust to this new aspect of your relationship.
Post # 3
ohlookanewbee : We’ve been living together for 9 months. I’ve thought about counseling but it seems so early in our relationship to be doing this. I’m only 24 and he and I aren’t married yet which makes me uneasy. I have a family history full of divorces and unhappy marriages, which makes me more hesitant about our relationship (like we’re forcng something that isnt going to work).
Post # 4
In your shoes, I would think that I was finally seeing who he really is, and what the relationship would really be moving forward.
LDR are not relflective or indicative of real life.
I had a similar experience when I was in my mid 20’s – met a guy IRL, we hit it off, then did the LDR thing until I finally moved cross country to be with him. From the moment I arrived in town, our relationship changed drastically. All the affection was gone. All the excitement was gone. He was incredibly boring and never wanted to talk or go out and do fun things.
In hindsight – it was easy for him to “put on a show” during the visits and the phone conversations. And it was easy for ME to take every small morsel of interest and blow it up into a romanticized portrait.
There is a reason most LDR eventually fail. Some work out, but those cases are exeptions to the rule.
If you are feeling diasappointed and (more importantly) you have honestly communicated your feelings on the matter, only to be met with apathy, then this isn’t going to get better.
This is really who he is, and this is really the relationship the two of you have and will have in the future.
The 2 years of LDR were the fantasy – this is reality.
You should move on, chalk this up to a HUGE learning experience, and marry someone you are more compatible with down the line.
Post # 5
I’m proof that LDR to marriage can work! But PPs have pointed out how exciting and romantic LDRs can be, and they are right. My now H and I did LDR for FIVE years and saw each other about every other weekend. I loved every minute of our LDR.
I’ve been living with him for 3 years now, and married for 2. Of course that excitement and anticipation of seeing each other, with all of the romantic communication is not the same. And of course it can’t be. We both work full time, we have other commitments with our friends or community, we get tired and cranky. We aren’t intimate as much as before, BUT we ended up being completely compatible with living together. It is still romantic, but not with that anticipation ascpect.
However, we still are excited when we see each other at home, we look forward to spending time together, and I still actually have those feelings as if were were still dating and not an old married couple. I am living with who he really is, and he’s living with who I really am and we are lucky that we both like it.
I guess you would have to take this as the “real” him, and you as the real you at this point. Just make sure you do not have the expectation that you will have that rush that you had during the LDR -it’s okay not to as long as you still have the right feelings there 🙂 IT also is not a fair comparison between LDR and day to day living, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that the day to day is “bad”. I guess only you would really be able to determine that in your heart….
Post # 6
My take on your situation is that you guys are going through major life changing events. Him becoming a doctor, as well as your journey to the same destination/working etc..all while moving in together. That’s a lot of stress and expectations to be met! I don’t think your being unreasonable for asking for more time before you guys get married. You are doing the right thing by communicating your needs and worries. If he really loves you he will listen and you will both try to work on your relationship as a team. But you both really have to want it. It can’t be all one sided. You guys have to have a frank discussion and take time to decide if this is what you guys really want. Like PPs said, LDRs can become romatisized and real life isn’t like that usually. You will go through periods of your relationship being chaotic and maybe even “stale” because your going to deal with a lot alone and together. It’s tough and I wish you the best. Hope everything works out!
Post # 7
SabL22 : squishee : duchessgummybunns : duchessgummybunns :
Thank you all for being so reassuring. I think you are all right that we may be incompatible or need to adjust to this change of living together. I’m looking into seeing a counselor through my insurance to help me build some independence and get it together emotionally.
Post # 8
1. Living together is very different from LDR. The dynamic of a relationship changes.
2. I moved away from everything I knew to be with my then partner and it was hard. I was probably depressed. Sex petered out. We broke up. Not saying you will, but this sounds as though this is make or break for your relationship.
I wish you all the best
Post # 9
This is who he is. I don’t think you’re compatible long term and life is stressful a lot of the time. If his reaction is to shut down on you even when you express your feelings and want more intimacy NOW then I imagine that will continue as life keeps throwing changes and stress at both of you. This is the test run and a lot of ldrs don’t work out when the distance is closed. Give if a year if that’s what you want and keep communicating about how this can be improved. You are young and do not need to settle for a partner you are not compatible with.
Post # 10
If he is happy with the relationship currently, then this is never going to improve. Why waste a year of your life trying to see if it does?
Post # 11
I would cut down that timelime from one year to three months. LDRs are a risk because it’s just different day to day. Some people find that they work well day to day too, others don’t. You are probably in the latter category and that’s ok. You’re still young and you’re attractive.
Post # 12
sd3205 : What is happening in the rest of his life? I know medical school can be a nightmare to get through.
Post # 13
I’m a third year medical student, currently on my surgery rotation and almost at the end of the year, and I will admit that I am burnt out and exhausted and grumpy and don’t have much time to devote to myself, let alone my fiancé. So I get the struggles, for sure. My fiancé is luckily very supportive through all of this, just like it sounds like you have been towards your SO, but I’m confident that my fatigue and stress is transient and really a result of working long hours in an environment I can’t stand, and will resolve in a couple weeks once I’m off service — do you feel like the same is true of your SO?
I just want to add that, assuming you are in the US, fourth year of medical school is the lightest year in all of medical training — it should be the least stressful with the most free time. Interviews and waiting to match are surely stressful, yes, but the clinical time is generally so much lighter than third year of med school or in residency, with lots more free time and easier rotations. What specialty is he matching into? (Good luck to him this Friday, btw!!)
The bottom line is that it seems that you want your relationship to be a certain way, and he has no interest in changing to meet those hopes/expectations. Residency is really hard and stressful, and he will need to focus on learning how to actually be a doctor instead of a student and be responsible for patients and work 80 hour weeks — if he isn’t able to (or doesn’t want to) spend some time on your relationship during a much lighter year, chances are high that he won’t be able to (or won’t want to) during the much more intense years to come.
Post # 14
I have two throughts on this. As a PP mentioned, its possible that medical school is taking a toll on him and your relationship. I became extremely depressed while in law school, and was no treat for my partner to be around. Sometimes, not everything is about your relationship with another person.
That said, my law school experience was made worse by a bad partner. The man I was with at the time was extremely withholding of affection and sex. The more I brought up our problems, the less he was willing to deal with them. He was unwilling to make the changes that would make our relationship work. This made a bad experience worse. Like you, I ended up crying and upset about my life with no one to turn rely upon.
I do not say this to make your situation worse. If your partner is willing to address your issues, and work on your intimacy problems, you may be able to save the relaionship. The issue is that it takes TWO people to reslove relationship problems.
If he is unwilling to make changes, your relationship is ultimately doomed. Don’t stick around for a year (given the huge sacarafice you’ve already made) for a man who is unwilling to change his lifestyle for you.
Only stick around for another year IF he is able to to try to meet your needs. I do not mean to be unkind, but if you two naturally have differing levels of sexual and intimate needs, this may be a poor fit for both of you.
Best of luck bee!
Post # 15
nalastardust : Hi! So good to hear from a med student. He’s matched into an EM program (we live in the US). Lifestyle will be better for him in residency compared to a surgical residency. He had two aways in his fourth year in EM so we were apart during that time (I stayed in the city he goes to med school alone). Other than that he hasn’t had any other stressful experiences, he was just working a lot during those two aways.
This is Too Much Information but another thing that bothered me is that when we’ve been intimate he’s had a hard time staying hard. I kind of ignored it in the past because it made him uncomfortable but when it nearly became every time I urged him to go see his PCP everything checks out ok (Testosterone levels were high). This was another thing that bothered me since I am young and want to be sexually active (not every day, just at least weekly).
Everyone’s response makes me really thankful for this community. I’ve been bottling up how I’ve been feeling because I have no close friends here and my family is too invested in our relationship (our future in laws love each other). I really love this man and I feel that he loves me too, he’s just probably not compatible. I feel so foolish to have wasted the last four years and my college time for this man.