Everything was great until we moved in (engaged)

posted 6 months ago in Relationships
Post # 17
182 posts
Blushing bee

sd3205 :  Change is something that comes slowly.  However, at least at first, you should see some substantial changes.  If he is trying to make substantial changes, and he is not meeting your needs in the short term, it is unlikely he will make them in the long term.

A concern I have is that he has issues staying hard.  I’m not saying that’s a deal breaker, but in my experience, it does mean that a man may have intimacy issues.  My previous partner and I had vastly mismatched sex drives.  (Mine was much, much higer.)  His inability to maintain an erection was an early indication of the issues to come.  It was explained away in the early portion of the relationship, and yet two years in we were having sex once or twice a month (something that was very demoralising for me.)

You need to do what is best for you.  Don’t worry about your parents, him or your future inlaws. 

Post # 18
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

 sd3205 :  Oh okay! EM has some crazy hours in terms of nights, weekends, random shifts — but yeah, it’s certainly not neurosurgery or anything, so that’s good at least. How did your relationship seem when he was on his aways? Was he as affectionate and sweet as he used to be during your LDR, or was it the same as it’s been in person? 

Also, important question — are his top ranked programs located in your current city? Sounds kind of like he might want to match elsewhere if he did multiple away rotations. Are you okay with the idea of moving to wherever he goes? Would you be willing to uproot your life for his during this trial run year? Especially if you want to go into medicine also — it’s VERY challenging to have geographic preference when applying to med school, because you really have no control over where you’ll get accepted. Would you be willing to be in a long distance marriage for at least all of your medical school and/or his residency and/or your own eventual residency if you got into a school across the country, or would you be willing to give up an acceptance to stay with him? With the state of your relationship currently, sounds like no, but even if things were great, those are really important questions to ask yourself. It’s doable to manage a relationship in medicine when both people are in the same year and they can couples match, but when it’s not that way (like in your guys’ case), it becomes much more difficult.

With regards to the erectile dysfunction issue, that could certainly be a huge explanation in terms of why he’s not interested in intimacy. He could be feeling really embarrassed. Also might be Too Much Information, but does he have erections when waking up in the morning or at some point at night? That’s really normal for men, and if he’s not having those, that should warrant further workup. However, if he IS having regular morning erections, it may be indicative that the problem with staying hard during sex is psychological and not physical. This is not at all medical advice, he should for sure talk to his doctor about these issues, but it’s just something to keep in mind. Does he seem distressed by the erection problems? 

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and I’m sorry to ask you so many challenging questions. But I really want to emphasise — regardless of if you do or don’t ultimately break up with him, you are NOT foolish!! Loving someone and working on the relationship and believing in the future is never foolish. It sounds like your relationship was really great until the last few months, so how could you have possibly known things would turn out this way? This is absolutely in no way a shortcoming of yours that you were unable to predict the end outcome. And relationships are never a waste, they always teach you something valuable that you can carry forward with you to better yourself, better your next relationship, better your advice towards others. I was in a 4 year relationship before I started dating my fiancé, all throughout my undergrad — do I now wish that I had spent more time making friends and meeting other people rather than in a relationship that ultimately didn’t work? Sure, sometimes I do. But there was no way to have known that at the time, and that relationship helped shape me into who I am today. Just like this one is doing for you. Please don’t feel foolish or any kind of negative feelings towards yourself. You sound intelligent, mature, articulate, and with a good understanding of what you need out of your future. Very impressive, actually! Nothing foolish about that.

Post # 20
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

sd3205 :  I think those are some super key aspects of what might be going on here. When you’re far apart, he’s loving and emotional and misses you and affectionate — maybe either because he likes the idea of you or the idea of being in a relationship more than the reality? Or maybe because it’s less work to tell someone how much you love and miss them, rather than actually put in the effort every day to show them? Either way, it’s an issue that I don’t know if there is a clear answer to. Your relationship will for the most part be in person, and he isn’t stepping up in that arena at all.

His lack of distress by his ED is a bit curious to me too, as I would imagine that most young healthy men who can’t stay hard would be really upset and embarrassed about it. Is this a new problem for you guys or has it always been that way…?

FWIW, your original plan for how to handle the complex double med school/residency situation sounds solid to me, if you guys do end up staying together. I’m glad you’ve thought all that out. (On a completely different aside, I’m at a med school in California, if you’d like any application advice or insight — I know your SO can give you that too, but in case you want an outside opinion. Just PM me if you want to chat about med school app stuff 🙂 ) 

Again, I’m really sorry you’re going through all this. It sounds so stressful. I would at least wait until after Match Day and probably graduation to break things off though, if that’s the direction you decide to take — maybe he’ll totally relax once he’s matched, and things will revert back to the way they used to be. Good luck to him, I hope he gets the CA program!!!

Post # 21
378 posts
Helper bee


So, SO and I were LDR for 3 years, 1 year of his gap year plus his pre-clinical years at Med. I moved to him and started Med at his school – so he was in his 3rd year and I was 1st. Honestly, after you move in with each other from an LDR, there’s this initial period of “OMG WE’RE FINALLY TOGETHER” but that feeling peters out, because real life starts taking over and reality kicks in. All that is normal, but that drop from the giddy happiness of finally being able to see each other everyday to the routine that is real life can seem quite severe if you’re not prepared for it.


As for med school, med school is a beast of a different nature and not to be prissy but very few people outside of it understand what it’s like to go through the system. You say he isn’t stressed, what is he saying? Has he exhibited any other signs? After all if ED isn’t physiology based then it’s probably psychological and one of the biggest psychology factors of ED is stress. And yes, med people know ED is nothing to be embarrassed of but it’s different when it’s you. The need to perform often becomes embarrassment when performance doesn’t match up and then it becomes this vicious cycle of pressure -> stress -> lack of performance.

What I’m trying to say is you’ve got a workable plan, but also need to realize that so many life changes occuring at the same time can sometimes bring out the worst in people, and with professional programs like med school….a lot of times it’s the SO that falls by the wayside. Give him a dateline to change and work towards changing yourself. Med SOs have to be a lot more supportive than most other spouses – putting up with odd hours, high stressed husbands/wives, sometimes learning to take a backseat to their calling, LDRs during residency and school and it’s not a role everyone is ready to play. This is coming from someone who is both in med and the long-term SO of someone also in it – both of us (him in particular being the more senior student) has periods of realization where we realize we’ve spent so little time dating the other person, spending most of it at home, studying or at the hospital or in a library somewhere. It’s kinda just how it is, and both of you need find a balance between your needs and his calling or it won’t work out between you two…also, there’s a chance things will improve when you’re also in med, you won’t have time or the mental space to worry about his female friends. 

Post # 22
1026 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I don’t have any advice to offer other than keep talking to him, maybe joint counceling once a month? A lot of bees have given awesome perspective and advice, but the key everyone’s missing is how your fiancé is feeling about you, about work, about the ED he’s experiencing.

Post # 23
1874 posts
Buzzing bee

Regarding the ED: Does he masturbate? Obviously if he’s able to stay hard and get himself off, it’s not a physical issue (which may also be why he isn’t distressed). I wonder, especially since you were long distance for so long, whether he’s gotten used to watching porn and masturbating without you and is having a hard time translating that to being with an actual person. I say this because the only person I’ve had this issue with was a porn addict. Sadly I think this is becoming increasingly common for men who grew up with the internet and program themselves to only be able to get off with that kind of visual stimuli. 

Post # 24
1468 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I just want to say that this isn’t normal, and isn’t a standard transition. Darling Husband and I were also LDR (for us it was 1 year), and then got engaged. We moved in a month before the wedding, so we’ve been living together six months now. It’s been great. I’m not saying this to make you feel poorly, but because I think a lot of times we justify hard things as “normal” as an excuse to be able to keep things the way they are. This can apply to anything from our physical health, to our careers, to our relationships. Don’t let the fear of change hold you back.

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