sd3205 : Oh okay! EM has some crazy hours in terms of nights, weekends, random shifts — but yeah, it’s certainly not neurosurgery or anything, so that’s good at least. How did your relationship seem when he was on his aways? Was he as affectionate and sweet as he used to be during your LDR, or was it the same as it’s been in person?
Also, important question — are his top ranked programs located in your current city? Sounds kind of like he might want to match elsewhere if he did multiple away rotations. Are you okay with the idea of moving to wherever he goes? Would you be willing to uproot your life for his during this trial run year? Especially if you want to go into medicine also — it’s VERY challenging to have geographic preference when applying to med school, because you really have no control over where you’ll get accepted. Would you be willing to be in a long distance marriage for at least all of your medical school and/or his residency and/or your own eventual residency if you got into a school across the country, or would you be willing to give up an acceptance to stay with him? With the state of your relationship currently, sounds like no, but even if things were great, those are really important questions to ask yourself. It’s doable to manage a relationship in medicine when both people are in the same year and they can couples match, but when it’s not that way (like in your guys’ case), it becomes much more difficult.
With regards to the erectile dysfunction issue, that could certainly be a huge explanation in terms of why he’s not interested in intimacy. He could be feeling really embarrassed. Also might be Too Much Information, but does he have erections when waking up in the morning or at some point at night? That’s really normal for men, and if he’s not having those, that should warrant further workup. However, if he IS having regular morning erections, it may be indicative that the problem with staying hard during sex is psychological and not physical. This is not at all medical advice, he should for sure talk to his doctor about these issues, but it’s just something to keep in mind. Does he seem distressed by the erection problems?
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and I’m sorry to ask you so many challenging questions. But I really want to emphasise — regardless of if you do or don’t ultimately break up with him, you are NOT foolish!! Loving someone and working on the relationship and believing in the future is never foolish. It sounds like your relationship was really great until the last few months, so how could you have possibly known things would turn out this way? This is absolutely in no way a shortcoming of yours that you were unable to predict the end outcome. And relationships are never a waste, they always teach you something valuable that you can carry forward with you to better yourself, better your next relationship, better your advice towards others. I was in a 4 year relationship before I started dating my fiancé, all throughout my undergrad — do I now wish that I had spent more time making friends and meeting other people rather than in a relationship that ultimately didn’t work? Sure, sometimes I do. But there was no way to have known that at the time, and that relationship helped shape me into who I am today. Just like this one is doing for you. Please don’t feel foolish or any kind of negative feelings towards yourself. You sound intelligent, mature, articulate, and with a good understanding of what you need out of your future. Very impressive, actually! Nothing foolish about that.