(Closed) Everything went downhill after engagement- plz advise

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
575 posts
Busy bee

Stop planning a wedding and start looking for a job with an employer who will sponsor your visa / greencard. Also look for a place of your own. I don’t think you should marry someone like this, especially not under pressure of getting a greencard. Worst-case scenario, you can go home and if everything works out for you two, you would still be able to come on a fiancé visa. However, I somehow doubt that a man who breaks TVs when tipsy will make for a good long-term partner…

Post # 4
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m sorry, this is such a tough place to be in! Your fiancé sounds like he has a legit drinking problem and that’s something that needs to addressed ASAP along with counseling. Make the appointment yourself if needed. That would be my condition before even considering getting married. Do you have a date yet? isn’t your visa expiring in a couple of days? Don’t stay in the US illegally, that would prevent you from ever getting a job here legally if you overstay your visa. 

Post # 5
2956 posts
Sugar bee

You are seeing what life would be like if you married him.  He clearly would treat you badly once he felt he had the upper hand.

So just leave him.  You can’t sell your soul and your future happiness for a green card, and a man who drinks too much and puts his family before you.

On top of all this he is breaking things violently when drunk. Consider this to be a dreadful warning sign.  Don’t marry a violent man.

Post # 8
2956 posts
Sugar bee

You can’t marry such a man in order to support your family.  It will destroy you.  

You have to maybe go back and then apply for US jobs.

Post # 10
4810 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

I would go back home and reapply for a work visa. Definitively don’t tie yourself to this man because of desperation. 

Post # 11
1012 posts
Bumble bee

flygirl31 :  The breaking TVs and throwing things is really troubling – violence tends to escalate without some kind of intervention, not lessen. I have to agree with the other PPs that marrying your guy to stay in the US isn’t a good option – you love him, but he’s not sticking up for you, and he’s lashing out. That’s not okay. 

Post # 12
320 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

First off….I’m sorry you’re going through this.  I can’t imagine how hard it is…

I see that you’re fighting…are you fighting because you’re talking about the wedding stress/family wants/refusals… etc?  OR….are you fighting because you’ve told him what you wrote above?  If you’re fighting about wedding—stop talking about the wedding.  The first thing you need to do is calmly (and when he’s sober) explain how your feeling regarding the situation you’re in and the reality of what it means.  The flowers, dresses, who is a bridesmaid,…etc. is secondary to figuring out if you actually even want to marry each other and spend forever like this.  I definitely would not consider getting married for the VISA/finances if this is what you’ll be dealing with for the rest of your life (fighting, him drinking, throwing things, etc. 

Post # 13
26 posts
  • Wedding: March 2018

Get out of the relationship, go back home — it is never a last resort to start clean. You can always apply for a green card from home and try again, or even try to get a job/visa in a different country. But you are in a dangerous situation. You can love somebody who isn’t good for you, but right now you need to love yourself more. Get out, don’t look back, start over.

Post # 14
3823 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I see a lot of people putting the emphasis on the visa. That’s not the issue. Lots of people plan their life decisions (getting jobs, finishing school, when to have kidsetc) on when they get married. Sometimes it means there will be dual incomes. Applying for the visa is no different. Also A LOT of people don’t know the process so some of this advice is null and void. 

My advice to you would be to focus on the relationship. Focus on fixing your relationship – get back to the fundamentals. If you can’t stand each other at this point, then stop planning the wedding and fix it.

Ask him straight out if he wants to marry you. If his feelings toward you are changing, then let things fall where they may. If your visa expires and you have to move back, then let it go. If he wants you, he can assist with filing a K-1 and you can come back and do things your way (meaning the way you two want to do things) and not the way that EVERYONE else wants you to do it. 

If you BOTH want to make it work, then there should be shared effort. If you’re putting in the effort and he isn’t, I think you know what needs to happen.

Post # 15
205 posts
Helper bee

I would try the counseling. It really can do wonders. Sounds like you will have to take initiative with that, though. Find a counselor quickly and make an appointment. If you can get him there and talking, one session is enough to at least see how it will go, but I urge you to continue counseling at least for a while. It sounds like he needs counseling anyway. As long as he hasn’t attacked you personally, physically OR verbally, it may be salvageable. What I mean is calling you names or hitting you is different than him being angry at a situation and arguing with you or throwing things. 

Also, I would consider that maybe you will have to leave him. A counselor will help you figure that out. And don’t be afraid to talk to your counselor privately, even if it’s just a few minutes of the hour session.

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