(Closed) EVIL Bridesmaid

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
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  • Post # 62
    Member
    317 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

      @Treeline:  I think she wanted a pity party and didnt get what she wanted, thats why the polls gone.

    Post # 63
    Member
    258 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @RunsWithBears:  +1

     

    View original reply
    @Aicyla22:  I agree. This definitely seemed to come off as wanting sympathy. I think at first the OP only saw it from her very narrow perspective and then realized that she made a mistake but doesn’t want to admit it, and I doubt she will. It is simply easier to tell yourself you did nothing wrong than to own up to the idea that you were wrong.

    Post # 64
    Member
    2153 posts
    Buzzing bee

    She also told the OP to let her know that she was trying to spare her wedding from any drama.  She was putting the OPs wedding above her own happiness.  She was willing to be in an unhappy relationship for 2 extra weeks so as to not have drama around the OP’s wedding. 

    Giving someone (who was also probably busy or working) a few hours to sort out her entire relationship issue (and her kid) and either break up with the best man, or at least tell him she was thinking about it.

    Did you think about what kind of damage you could have caused her.  It could have escalaed into an actual fight, the Fiance could have put her and’or the child out in the cold with no place to live, could have kept the child from it’s mother, or vice versa with the father.  There are so many negative things that could have come from this aside from them breaking up.

    Also the OP herself said, this lady doesn’t have many friends.  So she obviously valued her relationship with the OP, that she confided probably her greatest secret in her. 

    I don’t see how not relaying every detail of a phone conversation with your friend is starting your marriage on a bed of lies.  So far today I have heard from a friend todya that she has a stomach ache and is constipated.  I didn’t tell hubs, am I lying to him?

     

    Post # 65
    Member
    2969 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    My friend told me the other day that she had a hangover and I didn’t tell my husband. I guess I’m lying to him.

    The example I kept thinking about over and over is, a friend comes to you telling you that she’s pregnant and that she’s going to tell her SO in a week, she just needs time to process it and decompress with a friend before she tells him. Am I lying to my husband by keeping my friend’s confidence? I just don’t get. Friends come to us for all types of reasons, I just had a friend come to me after she had a miscarriage, it is not my place to relay to my husband the difficult time my friend is having or the circumstances around what she’s going through. It’s private. If I went to a friend for marital advice I would be devastated to find out that meanwhile she’s been sharing all of my personal issues with her husband, and who knows how many people he could’ve mentioned it to? 

    OP, I wholeheartedly think that you were in the wrong and I think you should learn how to keep a friend’s confidence, or let your friend know BEFORE they tell you something that you are not trustworthy and that everything said to you they are saying to your husband as well. If I was this bridesmaid I would be devastated that you shared a confidence with your husband who you knew would tell my fiance and blow everything. To be honest, OP, with all of the issues you are expressing having with this couple (including that they drink and fight a lot) you should never have asked them to be in your bridal party. 

    Post # 66
    Member
    392 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    @RunsWithBears:  I agree…. My husband and I have an understanding…. if something directly affects him I will tell him, but if I’m asked to keep it to myself and it wouldn’t hurt him to do so, I will and he completely respects that…. Its not like you made the desicion to hide it from him you were asked to do so. 

    Post # 67
    Member
    529 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    Whether the OP was in the right or in the wrong, if you tell someone a secret and your secret gets out, you’ve no one to blame but yourself END OF STORY!!! The bridesmaid told her knowing full well how close the three of them are. 

    And another thing, is it a great idea to tell a girl you are going to leave your fiancé (who she had known for years, a lot longer than you’ve been together) NO it’s not! 

    Placed into the same position I guarantee over 90 pc of you would have done exactly the same thing. Come off it cut the girl some slack. I would have told my fiancé straight away without question. 

     

    Post # 68
    Member
    955 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @Irish-bride:  i think my mind would explode if i didnt have anyone in the world i could count on to listen in confidence. that sounds like such a sad sad life.

    i doubt i would have done the same as OP. even if i would have told (i wouldnt have but for the sake of argument…), i never would have kicked the girl out of my wedding 2 weeks before. i would have the foresight to see “shit storm” written all over that choice.

    Post # 69
    Member
    1335 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @Irish-bride:  Well I guess I’m not one of the 90% you’re referring to.  I don’t feel the  need to tell my Fiance all of my friends’ secrets that they tell me in confidence.  If they wanted him to know, they’d tell him on their own volition.  I’m mature enough to keep knowledge safe without broadcasting it to everyone.

    I’d also like to think that in this situation, I would have enough foresight to know that telling people my bridesmaid’s secret, then kicking her out of the wedding 2 weeks ahead of time, would stir up a ton of drama.  I’ll keep repeating:  I would keep quiet and keep myself out of other people’s drama.  If a friend is telling you something like that and you don’t want to hear it, then let it go in one ear and out the other, but don’t go around repeating it and stirring the pot.  That just involves you in the drama when you could have chosen to stay out of it.

    Post # 70
    Member
    320 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    @Irish-bride……Did you miss the part where she said that the girl was her “friend”. I’m not the 90% you are referring to either. At least she could have waited until after the wedding, she made her own wedding have drama not the Bridesmaid or Best Man. And again, why would you make her a Bridesmaid or Best Man if she is not that close to you. Tell her Fiance should affect their realationship……she was a bad friend for doing such a nothing.

    Post # 71
    Member
    2670 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 1999

    @Irish-bride:  Would you also assume someone would spend $180 on a dress that is the wrong size just to sabatoge the wedding?

    Post # 72
    Member
    83 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    I would have respected her wishes on this ONE occasion and not said anything. Everyone would have understood why you didn’t say anything and all this drama would not have happened.

    Post # 73
    Member
    13 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    People are nuts. And sweetie I hope that all has calmed by this week so that your big day stays about you.

    My heart goes out to you since you obviously care about your friend. And I understand about the worry that goes with unpredictable behavior of others. My wedding is a month away and I have family members that I can’t trust to behave on Christmas let alone the most important day of my life.

    My heart goes out to you. Just relax and try not to stress too much this week. Enjoy the wave of happiness and remember….once the party is over you have a whole honeymoon!!!

     

    Post # 74
    Member
    538 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @Irish-bride:  Agreed.  I mean, okay, my Fiance and I have definitely discussed keeping ourselves separated enough that our friends feel safe enough to talk to us individually in confidence; we have a very clear policy in place where if one of us is on the computer and the other person’s facebook profile or email is up, there is to be absolutely no delving into private mail between friends (it came up at Engaged Encounter, we didn’t even think to discuss it since it seems like such a no-brainer).  We don’t have to tell eachother everything and we trust eachother to use judgment on whether something needs to be said or not.

    Having said that, whenever you tell someone a secret, you need to be able to face that she may tell her SO if your friend judges that she has an obligation to do so.  Asking a friend to act against her moral compass is wrong, and you need to secure a promise to not tell someone something before saying it (for example, “I have something to tell you about my Fiance, but I need you to promise not to tell anyone until after your wedding.  If you can’t make that promise now, I’ll keep it to myself for a little bit longer.”)  Otherwise, you’re putting someone in a very difficult situation because you are forcing a secret onto them.

    I’m not saying I agree with the OP’s pov here entirely, but I understand why she felt the need to tell her Fiance in this instance, and she’s right that it wasn’t fair to be in that situation.  I don’t know what I would’ve done if I were her, probably the same thing (minus the asking the bridesmaid if she wanted to step down; I understand the OP felt she was doing it for the friend’s benefit, but it comes across as “I don’t want you in my wedding party!”)

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