(Closed) ewww..okay, not sure how to approach this with FI

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
203 posts
Helper bee

It’s always tough when you see things from his past, but that’s just what it is, past.

Would it be worth leaving the box out for him to go through?  You could say you didn’t want to go through it because it looked private…

If it was me, I really wouldn’t tell him what I saw.

Post # 5
203 posts
Helper bee

Unless you sit next to him while he goes through the box, I suppose you just have to trust him.

I came across an old letter from my BF’s ex, which made me sick too.  I don’t know whether he still has it, because I realised I still have stuff from my ex and for no other reason than I haven’t got round to throwing it out (which I will).

Post # 6
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

The R rated photos need to go. I would tell him that you were looking for the decree and came across some photos that he probably forgot he still had, they make you very uncomfortable and what can we do about it so we are both happy. The regular pics are up to him though, I would just say other ones need to be discussed. 

Post # 7
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I would talk to him about it. I came across my FI’s wedding album from his last marriage when I was looking for baby pictures. I sat down and told him that they were his pictures, and he can do anything he wants with them, but I really don’t like that they are sitting on a shelf like all the rest of the albums.

He was super embaressed because he didn’t even know they still existed! He ended up chucking all of the pictures except the ones of his family (him and his brothers, him and his parents, etc)

I think if you bring up what you found while looking for the divorce papers, he might be suprised he even has them and will throw it out on his own. Sometimes people forget what they stash away, or just haven’t got around to getting rid of it (like the promise ring sitting in my purse. Gah!)

Post # 8
13015 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Did he know (or would he care) that you went through that private box?  If not, I think that you need to suggest he look for the divorce papers in there, and not bring up that you went through it.  It’s a breach of his trust if you went through his private things without his permission.  (I know, people will say, but we have nothing to hide… honestly, I think that’s ridiculous, because private is private.  I have nothing to hide from Fiance, but if he went through a hidden box of my personal things, I’d be pissed…he could go through it if he asked, but not without asking.)

If he knew you were looking in there, then bring up the pictures and say how uncomfortable they make you. 

Tread lightly, and good luck!

Post # 9
203 posts
Helper bee

If you decide to talk about it (and you have some stuff), how about suggesting you get rid of ‘ex’ stuff together?  It might make both of you feel better.

Though you do need to be prepared that he might not want to get rid of (some) things.  Of course ‘those’ photos shouldn’t fall into that category.

Post # 10
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m going to go against the grain here and say that you should ask him to get rid of the r-rated ones, but that you really should let the others go. It is his past, regardless of whether you like to think about it, those events AND that relationship made him who he is now. It helped make him the man that you are truly, madly, and totally in love with. 

My Darling Husband was with a woman for about ten years before I met him. They never got married, but it was a significant part of his life. Not that I love looking at photos of them, but I know a few exist and I’m ok with it. I can’t ask him to throw away his past, just like he can’t ask me to throw away mine. After all, we all have events & people in our past that don’t really mesh with the people we are (and who we want to be!) today, don’t we? 

In the end, they are only as important as you (and your FI) let them be!

CONGRATS by the way!

Post # 11
3626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

He needs to get rid of the R rated pictures. There’s no reason to have those. Tell him you found them when looking for the divorce papers, since he knows you were helping. And watch him discard the photos!!

Post # 13
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If he had already asked you to go through the box, I’m guessing he probably forgot they were in there. If it were me, I would bring it up and tell him that the R-rated photos made me uncomfortable. As long as you discuss it in a non-confrontational way, it shouldn’t be a difficult coversation. There isn’t really a reason for him to keep those types of photos of his ex, and I’m sure he won’t have a problem getting rid of them.

Post # 14
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

It sounds like he just forgot they were even there, given that he didn’t think twice about having you look through all that stuff. Sometimes people forget. I definitely had some “ex files” to get rid of when Darling Husband and I got married, stuff I hadn’t thought about in YEARS that was private (not pics, but letters and gifts). It wasn’t a big deal, but I’m sure it wouldn’t have been DH’s favorite thing to see.

I’d play it off like “Didn’t find the divorce papers during my search, but while we’re on the subject, can you please burn these?”

Chances are he’ll be flustered and get rid of them. If he puts up a fight about it for some reason then you’ll have cause to be upset. Don’t punish him for having a past, but it’s perfectly ok to not want those pictures in the home.

Post # 15
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@fresitachulita:  New life with you = new beginning.  Tell him to burn it!  His ex is a part of who he is and you have to deal with that.  I am sure you do, since your marrying him.  But keeping the photo’s is too much.  I would talk to him about it for sure. 

Post # 16
31 posts
  • Wedding: March 2012

I agree with pecanpie. He probably forgot. I just went through some of my albums looking for photos of my man and I and found pictures of my ex I didn’t know I had. Just bring it up lightly without putting him on the defensive and I’m sure he will be fine throwing them away. 

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