- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2014
OK so let me preface this by saying sorry that it’s long and that I just need to vent.
My ex is from 5 years ago, but we dated since I was 14 years old off and on (I’m 26 now). He was horrible for me and I was lucky to get out of the relationship alive. So many details, but I’ll try to be as brief as possible.
Our whole relationship was tumultuous and police were often involved as we would have screaming matches and very heated fights frequently. This is where I started having panic attacks and serious anxiety. We broke up and got back together off and on — I often didn’t want to be in the relationship, but could not shake him. He had a sociopath thing going on — he could be so charming, sweet, and everyone who knew him thought he was the nicest guy they ever met. He also had a dark side that was controlling, dominating, jealous, psychotic that I only saw. I knew I wanted to break up with him for good for about a year before I could, but he seriously would not let me. He was so controlling and crazy that he would seriously not let me. He would sit outside my mom’s house all hours of the night, relentlessly text and call me, trick me (once after a fight he called me to coax me to come back to his house to work it out and when I did he screamed at me and made up that he cheated on me to hurt me), manipulated me, show up, corner me in my car and house until I’d crumple in a pile and break down. Things eventually culminated with a 1-year order of protection when I started dating new boyfriend (now FI). Upon finding out about new bf, he threatened me, my mom, new bf, keyed my car, relentlessly contacted me (even with emergency order of protection), etc. which led to an order of protection. I had to change my phone number, move, the whole 9 yards. This whole relationship did a number on me.
Thanks to FI’s love, support, and patience, my anxiety has hugely improved and I rarely have panic attacks. He seriously is amazing and I couldn’t be happier with him. That said, I still have significant anxiety about my ex. I randomly will wake up in the middle of the night with a fear he is at the door or is somehow back into my life (these panic attacks are mostly rare). I think and worry about him a lot, more than I think I should. I have a lot of anger and resentment towards him for hurting me the way he did and I also have a fear that he will somehow weasle his way back into my life (though I know I won’t let that happen, it’s a huge fear of mine and often what happens in my dreams). I have nightmares about this often. If I get a call from a blocked number, my thoughts immediatley go to him. I check his Facebook page sometimes to see if he is writing about me — we aren’t friends on there, but his page is public. I’m paranoid when I’m visiting my mom (she lives in same town as him) that I will run into him and am usually on the look out for him or his family (who all live in that town as well and are also crazy).
To this day, ex still posts things about me on Facebook (often vague, but clearly referencing me by posting video of our old song, quotes we used to share, etc.). We live somewhat near each other (and as I mentioned my mom lives in same small town) and I’ve run into him once or twice — once during a friend’s bach party where he came back with us on the party bus to her house (a bus full of girls!) to be near me. My Fiance drove over immediately to pick me up and ex ran out before that to avoid a confrontation. Ex occasionally messaged or friended me on Facebook after the restraining order which I always ignored. This was awhile ago and besides the Facebook status thing, he hasn’t contacted me or anything for about the past 2 years. I refuse to talk to him or be friends with him obviously.
Fast forward to today. I have a huge fear that he will interfere with wedding and try to come back into my life somehow. Even though things have been quiet for a few years, he is definitely the relentless type. He has not been in a relationship since ours ended which also feeds into my current worries. He has not been doing good since the break up. I’ve heard he’s been in multiple car accidents under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs, other incidents related to drugs, etc. I know these things because we have many friends in common who are still friends with him (I don’t think they knew the extent of our falling out as I shut down a lot during that time — plus was a senior finishing up my undergraduate degree so I had A LOT going on). I distanced myself from a lot of our mutual friends as I don’t want to run into him, hear about him or anything (also I moved a bit farther away, but still local) but some will be invited to the wedding. Being from a small town, this is inevitable. I have a fear they will share wedding information with him and he will show up or interfere somehow.
Thanks for listening, I just wanted to vent. It’s hard to talk about this to Fiance and family, because I feel they don’t understand and I feel like it paints me in a bad light (it makes it appear that I can’t get over it, I obsess about it, I’m not over him, etc.). I never felt more smothered, suffocated, controlled than those couple years where it was at its worst — I think there’s lots of residual difficulties for me from that. I’ve been to multiple counselors and believe me when I say it is a lot better now than what it was 2, 3, 4 years ago. I also didn’t mention that ex has a family history of murder-suicide (both father and uncle) where they murder their partner and then commit suicide which I think makes it more scary. Sigh. So glad I got out of that relationship.