(Closed) Ex best friend getting married – conflicted!!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

did she have previous negative drug/alcohol experiences in her life? Some people really have no ability to deal with issues like that because they have witnessed someone else go through it. 


example (different, but not) my uncle was hit by a drunk driver when he was 18 on his motorcycle. When I hear about people getting DWIs I don’t feel bad for them at all, I honestly think they should be thrown in jail and I tell them that sometimes too if I feel that they are looking for my sympathy. If my best friend got a DWI and then wanted my support I don’t know if he would have it… I don’t think I would end our friendship over it (but you ended the friendship because of your hurt) so maybe I would lose them but I’m not going to feel bad for someone that did something I’m so strongly against. 

Post # 4
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@mcklough:  I don’t think that those examples are really a fair comparison. Yes, they both involve substances, but one is making a decision that will put other people in jeopardy and the other puts only themselves at physical risk. Obviously, hurt is caused to loved ones in both situations, but people we love hurt us sometimes. It doesn’t mean we automatically cut them out.

OP, I’m really sorry about her reaction and I’m glad you pulled through such a rough time. It would be one thing if you had a substance abuse problem and she stood by you and stood by you and stood by you until she just couldn’t with the OD, which would be a “last straw.” I could understand that. As a friend she would fear for your life constantly and insulate herself from you to prevent more pain. It doesn’t really sound like that was the case. It sounds like this is something that is all in the past for you. So to react that way when you made a really stupid decision for the first time and were messed up from the consequences of that decision, I think she was wrong there

If it were me, it would just let it be. I went through something very, very different where friends weren’t there for me and though I miss them sometimes, the fact is that they weren’t good friends. And I deserved to have people in my life who stood by me and supported me. So do you.

Post # 5
780 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I have to answer your question with more questions I’m afraid…

Have you thought through what will happen after you congratulate her?  What will happen to your feelings if she responds positively?  Are you ready to forgive her for hurting your feelings and being unsupportive in your time of need?  What will happen if she reponds negatively (or not at all)? 

Do you feel ready to take that chance and reach out?


I’ve been in this situation before with a long time friend.  It is a tough place to be in.

Post # 6
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Roe:  yea I agree that the situations are different, but I was just giving perspective on someone that can’t deal with a situation even if it meant being unsupportive to her friends. 

Post # 7
3261 posts
Sugar bee

I wouldn’t extend any congratulations. I’ve been in a similair situtation and it will probably just make things awkward.. it’s been 5 years if you were meant to be friends anymore she would have tried to contact you, too.. right? Sometimes we just have to let people go. 

Post # 8
1747 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@mcklough:  I think your example was valid, and it wasn’t the exact scenario that was correct, but the reflection of how people can (rightly or wrongly) take something very personal and not hold sympathy for someone if it is something they strongly and vehemently are against.

OP, I think you could send a card. I don’t know if it will bring you closure. i don’t know if she’ll want to reach back out to you (she hasn’t during her planning). Do what you feel in your heart is right, but don’t expect anything.

Post # 10
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I have been in this situation a whole lot of times…and each is different depending on the person/situation. Just keep in mind people don’t change and feelings aren’t forgotten just by sending well wishes. We can be naive and wish things could be different but you are not the only one in this. She might not give you the reaction you are hoping for in your head.

I would send a card like PP stated but that is all. Extremely sad and tough thing to go through and I hope you find closure and move on dear <3

Post # 12
4485 posts
Honey bee

Honestly, I wouldn’t say anything to her, especially since you haven’t communicated in so long. Remember the good times you had together and move on. Life is too short to dwell on the past and the “what if’s” because there is no rewind button for life.

Post # 13
5183 posts
Bee Keeper

If you wanted to be friends with her and continue your relationship, you should have done so when she reached out to you NOT because you found out she was getting married. By The Way her comment about not having any sympathy for you was so………real. You cant expect her to feel something she doesnt. At least you know she is honest. She prob lost a lot of respect for you, I dont blame her. She took her her time and tried to reach out and you didnt reciprocate. 

Post # 14
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m in somewhat the same situation – except I’m the engaged one.


I stopped talking to her for a much less serious reason – she stopped trying to keep in contact and I got hurt when I never heard from her.


It’s silly, but I wish she’d give me a reason to invite her.  Even a simple “Congratulations!” would do it.


In your situation, however, I can’t see that happening.  I think you’re going to have to let it go.

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