(Closed) Ex-boyfriend and Ultimatums – Sorry it’s long.

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

1. I have never seen a girl or guy put an ultimatum on the table and had it work out. Anultimatum is essentially a threat.” Date me or else!” is not the way to have a relationship. 

2. He’s not your SO. If he wanted to be, he would be. He broke up with you because of his family. I’m betting his family hasn’t changed. 

I’ll be frank- I’ve never seen a coupleawhile has broken up for more than a week work out. Sooner or later, the initial cause of breakup, the distrust from being dumped, and the actions of either party during the breakup cause the end of the relationship sooner or later. 

The adult way to do this would be to slowly but surely stop answering phone calls and attending social events with him so that you can move on. 

 

 

Post # 4
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

Well first of all, I want to say that I’m sorry you’re going through all of this because it sounds very painful. The worst breakup I ever went through was with someone I had mutual friends with, and was in school with so I had to see him everyday. It was excruciating. It sounds like you still care about each other quite a bit, and that there are still some strong feelings there.

I think it’s totally fair of you to decide that you can either have him in your life as a romantic partner, or not at all. When you still love someone like that, you can’t just be friends. It’s just too painful.

I might give him a little more than a week to figure out what to do, though. Obviously you can’t wait around for him forever, but he might legitimately need more than a week to think this all over and talk it out with you. Hopefully you guys will be able to work it out and start a relationship again, but if not, I would advise you to really cut ties with him this time so that you can heal. Good luck.  

Post # 5
Member
808 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

If it’s too hard to hang out with him, I think it is fine that you told him it’s all or nothing.  After 2 years- I’m not sure if you will get back together, so please keep that in mind that you will be losing him in your life for good.

Post # 6
Member
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@pink84: I understand where you are coming from.  However, I don’t think it’s reasonable to offer an ultimatum to anyone. If I were you I’d just leave and get him out of your life. I had an ex in which I had to do that. I stopped seeing him in the same social circles, so i could move forward with my life. I didn’t answer texts or calls from him. Of course I let him know all of this but I needed distance. He did try to date me after we broke up but I had moved on by then. Absence makes the heart grow fonder… Step back from him a while. He’ll know what he is missing. 

Post # 7
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I know its hard, but if its meant to be than it will be. Don’t pressure him into being with you because in the end you both will lose.

Post # 8
Member
5148 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

You can’t make someone love you.

If he was truly important to you and if you truly cared about him, you would value his friendship and happiness; even if it meant you couldn’t be in a romatic relationship with him.

Post # 9
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

@MrsBroccoli: I totally agree with what you said.

I think this is a lose-lose situation for you. To remain ‘friends’ with him, you’ve already found out is unbearable because you still have feelings for him. But your options are to get back together or stop being friends. If you get back together, you still have his family to deal with. And I agree that if he wanted to be with you, he would.

My advice is to remind yourself why being with him is a bad idea. Remember the hurt you felt when he chose his family over you and concentrate on how horrible you feel right now in limbo as he is forced to think about getting back together with you. Also, we tend to wear rose colored glasses when someone seems out of reach, I’m sure there were other things about him you didn’t like.

Post # 10
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Breakups are always hard and it sounds like this has been very rough for you. I think you should realize that you two broke up for a reason and that reason is still there. Distancing yourself from him is a very good idea. Don’t see him or talk to him or facebook stalk him or anything until you are 100% over this. Take as long as you need, but just keep him out of your life. Trying to stay friends with him while you still have gotten over the relationship is only making it harder for you get over him and move on with your life.

Post # 11
Member
255 posts
Helper bee

I’ve been on someone’s back burner for 2 years, it was painful and, looking back, embarrassing. Hopefully, like me, you move on and find someone who truly lives and cares about you and you look back on this with so much gratitude you finally bucked up and faced the truth.

If a guy wants to be with you he will be. If you ever have to wonder what his feelings for you are – the answer is he doesn’t. Period. He may have lingering feelings enough to have occasional regret or jealousy to see you move on – but I assure you this isn’t love and this will not survive the long term. Walk away and get yourself back.

Post # 12
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think it is compleatly reasonable, how are you supposed to get over someone when you are always seeing them and always talking to them. If anything maybe you just need a few months apart. Say you will contact him when you are ready to be friends but now you need space that neither of you are giving each other.

Post # 13
Member
6019 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

I do not think its wrong to know what you can and cannot handle. You cannot handle being friends with him. That much is clear. And that is ok.

But it should not take you telling him that its either all or nothing for him to give you his all. If that is what he wanted, he would have done it without being prompted.

I would state how you feel and leave it at that. No deadlines, no threats. You do not need to state that he lost you. Just cut yourself off and he will understand and get the hint. If he does in fact want you, he knows how you feel and can come and find you on his own and pursue you out of his own free will. Not because he has a deadline and has been forced to make a choice.

Post # 14
Member
1110 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think it’s a fair thing to say to him, I also don’t see it as an ultimatum. You’re not saying he HAS to date you, you’re just saying that being friends with him is too painful and that he needs to stop calling and texting you then flirting with other girls in front of your face. It doesn’t sound like he wants a relationship but it does sound like he likes to be around you and enjoys the comfort of always having a girl there who loves him.

It’s perfectly okay to preserve your feelings and choose not to spend time with someone who causes you pain, but don’t leave it up to him, make the decision yourself. If he wanted to be with you he would have said it the minute you told him how you felt, instead he’s trying to prolong it, have you waiting and sweating over him. He’s hoping you’ll go back on what you said after waiting while he’s out of the country and he’ll be able to continue to have his cake and eat it too.

I agree that you should find someone who cares about you and wants to be with you and only you. He’s got you waiting in the wings which isn’t fair, and isn’t how a true friend would treat you. I don’t agree that you would accept just being friends with him f you truly care about him, the fact that you truly care about him is what’s hurting you. You don’t have to spend time with him just because you care about him.

Post # 15
Member
2411 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t think you gave him an ultimatum at all. This isn’t about making a threat or pressuring him into doing something he wants to do. This is about you watching out for yourself, knowing what you are able and not able to cope with, and moving forward with your life.

You are a big girl and he is a big boy and you are NOT responsible for his feelings or his wishes. You are NOT currently a couple so you do NOT owe him your friendship or your company.

 I think you are wise to let him know that you cannot continue on like this (i.e. casual friends and hang-out buddies). If I were in your shoes I would absolutely do the same thing. It is also entirely fair for you to let him know what your boundaries are — that you’re not comfortable being hang-out buddies with someone who was a romantic and sexually intimate relationship in the past. I think it is entirely within his rights to pursue other female friendships in front of you — but you are not obligated to enjoy watching that.

When faced with the reality that he is going to lose you entirely, he may — or may not — realize that he is ready to give your relationship another try. If that happens — big “if” — you can evaluate at that time whether you are ready to try again with him. But these are all “if’s” — and that is a completely separate issue from the current reality, which is that you are not a couple anymore, and it is in YOUR best interests to watch out for yourself and move forward with your life in peace.

IMO you are not giving him an ultimatum — which sounds manipulative and sneaky. You’re simply standing up for yourself and protecting your heart. Big difference. Stick to your guns and don’t let anyone give you a guilt trip!

 

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