Post # 1
When my fiance and I met, we were both seeing other people. My boyfriend at the time happened to be his roommate and close friend. Our relationship was about 6 months, half of it was long distance, the other half was just bad. I would classify it as the worst relationship I’ve had, so we broke up without any regrets. A year later, my Fiance and I started dating, our relationship is amazing and 3,5 years later we are planning our wedding.
My ex is still his close friend, we have met in a group setting since and put this whole story behind us, although it’s still a bit awkward that one of his best friends and I dated 4,5 years ago. So yesterday my Fiance tells me, that he would like to have my EX be his groomsman!!! He feels like their friendship was really suffering and this would help revive it and that his friend is very important to him. It all depends on how I feel about this situation and he said he wouldn’t ask him to be in the wedding, if I disagreed.
My initial reaction? I started crying. I really don’t think it’s appropriate for this my ex to be in our wedding. I know he is a close friend, It’s been a long time since our relationship ended, but it just seems to be a ridiculous idea. I was OK with him being invited to the wedding, but being IN the wedding? I only have negative memories of our relationship, he did not treat me well and my Fiance knows that. I don’t want that to upset me on my wedding day, and I don’t want to be selfish and exclude my FI’s friends….what should I do?
Post # 3
I think that this should be up to your husband but that if you have serious issues with it he should consider that in his decision. One thing I would bring up that a wedding is NOT the place to try and fix a friendship, as seen by many people on this board, the stress of a wedding can cause issues in a good friendship, so starting out rocky…. But I still say since it is HIS groomsmen, it is HIS choice.
Post # 4
I guess it depends on your relationship with your ex, but given that you started crying at the idea, it sounds like a NO. if you’re not all legitimately friends now, I don’t think it’s appropriate, especially if it makes you uncomfortable.
Post # 5
Is there something else that this friend could do? Maybe he could be an usher?
Post # 6
I agree with loving_life, the fact that you started crying upon hearing this, I would say, NO, as I don’t want you to experience any form of negative flashbacks due to your ex’s close presence on your wedding day. Since you’re okay with him being invited to the wedding then I feel that’s the furthest you could go for them. But NOT in your wedding party. Personally, I feel your feelings takes a bigger priority, especially if they are negative.. Don’t forget, he will also appear in much of your photos if he’s the groomsman. Don’t think you would like that!
Post # 7
First, if your reaction upon hearing this idea was to cry, I think you have your answer right there.
Secondly, if the relationship is already suffering, if anything it could be made WORSE by him being in the wedding. Take a look at all of the BM/GM drama posts on here. Do you want to deal with that? Also, if the relationship does sour to the point of ending, (either because of wedding drama or shortly thereafter), do you really want this man in your wedding pics forever? Granted, ANY friendship die, but one that’s already got one foot in the grave is much more likely to.
Third, you should only have people standing up with you who fully support BOTH of you. If he treated you shabbily…I dunno. I wouldn’t want a person who treated my DH shabbily as a FRIEND, let alone want them to stand up with me at our wedding.
Post # 10
@mashaka: I understand that your Fiance has some regrets/feelings about losing a close friendship with a friend, but really, it’s inevitable simply b/c your Fiance is marrying you. In the long term, I don’t see the friendship lasting too long and like someone else said, being in the bridal party could make it worse. If your Fiance knows how badly his friend treated you, then I’m sure at some point the friend learned how badly he treated you and he probably feels uncomfortable talking about it and possibly even talking about you, which is why the friendship is dwindling. And for you to have cried about it, I just don’t think it’s a good idea for this friend to be in the bridal party.
Post # 11
If i were u, he can be invited in my wedding. while being Groomsman, no!
Post # 12
No. I would never have an ex in my wedding party. Because I’ve had sex with them all and it would be WEIRD !
My Fi has very few male friends and we’re having one of his work mates I hardly know at our bridal table, which was a little weird but no big deal – I’m sure your Fiance can thing of someone (anyone) else he could have instead. Let the relationship with your ex go I say !
Post # 13
@mashaka: I’m surprised your fiance wants him in your wedding–it’s PROBABLY because he has erased your relationship from his mind and only thinks of your ex as his friend. Even if he hadn’t treated you badly, you had a sexual relationship with him and it’s ok to feel uncomfortable to have your ex standing up there when you take your vows—I would say that it’s a push for him to be a guest but since you’re all on good terms it’s really your call
Post # 14
Invite ex to wedding = ok, that’s fine.
Invite ex to be groomsman = ok, you’re crazy.
NO. How horribly awkward for all of you!
Post # 16
I truly believe it’s enough that this ex is invited to the wedding. I don’t think he should be standing up next to you on the day that you commit your life to your spouse. I just really don’t find it appropriate, considering the circumstances surrounding your relationship and the bad memories you have.