Ex boyfriend wants me back.

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1209 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2021 - City, State

I have been in this situation but I was the new girlfriend, my fiancé’s ex was hanging around constantly for a year since they split wanting to keep in touch and see how he was, then when he told her about me she suddenly was messaging him to say she missed him and realised she wanted him back, she was sorry.

Stick to your guns and block all contact with the ex 

Post # 3
Member
1865 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Fuck that noise. He only wants you back because he can’t have you. Period.  

Continue your relationship and cut off all contact with your ex. This back and forth drama isn’t fair on your new partner.

Post # 4
Member
4857 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

He sounds exhausting.

Post # 5
Member
958 posts
Busy bee

Build a new life with your new beau. Be fair to him who invested time and is investing time on you. Unless you perceive the new guy as a spacer and not the ring, just someone to fill in the space. If you truly see a future with the new guy, then bye-bye to the former bf who is still an ex who chose to leave when he was meant to commit and be there. He wasn’t there, multiple times. Do think he’d be there when the tough gets going?

Post # 6
Member
1259 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

australia85 :  It sounds like you are absolutely making the right decision, but it sucks that you are put in a position where you have to make one at all.

I’m sure everything your ex thinks everything he is saying is genuine right now, but it’s unlikely that his basic character has changed suddenly. He’s likely to always be a cautious person and that’s a difficult attribute to bring to a long term partnership. It also sounds like he wanted his cake and to eat it too, and got to experience being with other people while trying to keep you drawn in to him. He may not be a bad guy, but that’s a selfish mode of operation. 

I think the reason I, a complete stranger, am willing to reply and say you are making the right decision is not anything to do with how your ex is acting, but is completely based on what you are saying about how you feel about these two relationships. It’s really hard for a new relationship to compete with someone who you share several years of history with. The fact that your gut wants to move forward with this new person says it all. It’s only your thoughts and over-analyzing of the situation that is making you second guess things.

Be confident in your decision and don’t put yourself through anymore agony. Do what you need to keep moving forward. Best of luck!

Post # 7
Member
1106 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I have a personal rule that I lived by when dating- no take backs.  You broke up for a reason.

Post # 8
Member
4575 posts
Honey bee

By “all that history” you mean all that history where you cycle between together and not together and he runs the minute something gets hard?  That history?  You also want that to be your present and future?  Because it will be.  That is deeply ingrained character, or lack thereof right there.  Of course he wants you back when you’re happy because that is easy.  And 6 months from now when something hard happens, where is he going to be?  Out the damn door again.

Break the feckin’ cycle already.  It is called a break up because that relationship was feckin’ broken.  Healthy relationships don’t have more breakups than number of years you’ve been together.  Or any at all.  It was and is broken.   Stop having any contact with him.

Post # 9
Member
7767 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

australia85 :  “And now, when I turn the tables and tell him I’ve moved on, he starts fighting for me.”

This is classic. Your ex totally took you for granted for the several years you were together. Only now that he realizes he really might have lost you is he telling you all the shit you so badly wanted to hear when you were actually together. If I had a dime for every lousy ex bf that pulled this exact thing (including two of my own exes), I would be wealthy.

Look bee – you know what it’s like being in a relationship with your ex. You have actively lived that reality for several years. While his words might sound pretty right now – that’s all they are, words. Believe in the reality that you know with this guy (i.e. the reality where he breaks up with you all the time, second guesses whether he loves you and wants to be with you and puts you through nonstop emotional/mindfuckery). Believe in that, not the fairytale he’s painting for you now because he’s scared shitless now that he realized he may have actually driven you away for good with his bullshit.

I don’t know what to tell you about the new guy. It could be you’re not ready yet to give your all to a new relationship, or it could be that you are. I would just take it one day at a time. If you are enjoying this guy’s company then continue seeing him – but in the meantime I would cease all contact with the ex because it’s only going to make it harder for you to move on with a clean slate.

Post # 10
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Like PP said, I was also the new girlfriend. Once my SO told her ex about me, that day itself she asked him to leave me at the mall and to meet her. He said no. And it continued for a few months of her talking to him and asking him how our relationship was. She would bring up all the things they went through together, the holidays, the fun times etc. 

i noticed it and knew she wanted him back. She didn’t outright tell him but it’s just too obvious!

i really think it’s more about your ex wanting you back cos you’ve moved on. I would say, stick with your bf. 

Post # 11
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

I agree with what everyone else said, and would just like to add this little reminder: Relationships should feel easy! Sure, they take effort, but they shouldn’t feel exhausting! And it sounds like your relationship with the ex and all its back and forth is totally draining. Whether he means to or not, he is keeping you on the hook, and you can never relax because you don’t know if you are up, down, or somewhere in between.

As for the new guy, pay attention to how he treats you. It should be clear that he’s into you and no drama. You should be able to relax and settle in with him, knowing that he’s not going to run away on a whim. It might feel weird and uncomfortable at first, because you’re used to constantly feeling off balance. You might have the urge to run away or start fights because things feel too calm. Ignore that urge! See where the relationship can go. Amazing things can happen (if he truly does love and respect you without all the bs–if he doesn’t, throw both guys to the curb and keep looking!). 

Bottom line: Do you really want to be with someone who is so unsure about you?

 

Post # 12
Member
14965 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

The ex should stay an ex.  After all the doubting, make up, break up, good Lord, just give it up already.  I’m willing to bet the only reason he is begging for you back (at the moment) is because he had another fling that didnt work out and now he’s scare to be alone now that you’ve found someone else you could be happy with and he hasnt yet.  Keeping in contact every few weeks to “see how the break up is going” is the biggest load of shit.  He was basically stringing you along trying to stay in your life and have an in while he shopped around.

Post # 13
Member
1679 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

australia85 :  Yep gotta agree with the other bees….unless you’re a big fan of emotional rollercoasters, I’d break away completely from the ex.  That means go back to no contact….for good.

Post # 14
Member
816 posts
Busy bee

That’s some good, old fashioned nope. 

Post # 15
Member
1056 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry you lost your dear friend.

So your ex, who has a history of running away, and who dumped you again while you were grieving, is suddenly sure he wants you now that you have a new boyfriend?

Time to block him and put your emotional energy into your new boyfriend. Whether the new guy is around forever remains to be seen, but the new guy has demonstrated he WANTS to be with you.

I had an ex who wanted to “stay in touch” after breaking my heart. You know what happened? I ended up in a mental hospital. All his back and forth literally broke my brain.

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