Post # 31
ugh- your ex sounds sooooooooo fucking annoying. Why do you even talk to him? At some point, life is about making a choice; relationships are about making a choice and then committing to moving forward. You aren’t going to be in love and all rainbows and unicorns every day. He’s so busy nitpicking all of his choices that he’s in a state of perpetual stagnation. He’s fucking Chidi from The Good Place. It’s time to tell him to fuck off. He had his chance and he blew it. Don’t let him infect you with his indecisiveness and then blow your chance too. He’s dumped you more than once already. Do you have any idea how terrible you are going to feel if/when you go back to him and he dumps you again? You’re imagining a scenario in which things work out and he’s suddenly an entirely new person. Have you spent some time imagining the story where you leave the new guy, go back to him and then he breaks up with you again in a few months? It doesn’t sound like you have.
Also, it’s time to tell the new guy that you cut all contact with the ex and that you’re in with him fully. Because if he has any sense of self, you’re only going to be able to drag this foolishness out for a certain amount of time before he’s going to dump you and go find someone who is actually available. And just for your ponderation- you said you spent some time being emotionally unavailable with your ex and that contributed to your issues there -have you considered that this continued entanglement with him is another way to be not entirely present for this new relationship?
Post # 32
…what everyone else said. Plus – don’t let history repeat itself. Try to be available to your new fb, now. This is a new relationship, and I can imagine getting turned off quickly if a new person I was dating was debating me or the ex. It would be a shame if this caused damage for you guys down the road when you could have had a great start with no distractions or pain.
Post # 33
Move on. This ex drops you the second something get hard and has some doubts. This guy doesn’t want to be with you, end it.
Post # 34
An ex is an ex for a reason. Boy bye.
Post # 35
australia85 : he’s also the person that has trouble making decisions and basically doubts the big aspects of his life (scared to make a wrong turn). So when the relationship would hit a rough patch, he’d enter a cycle of doubt and wasn’t sure if he wanted to be with me, if we wanted the same things in life etc.
If that constant cycle of uncertainty is what makes you happy entertain his new interest. (And find a good therapist.) If not, stick with the new guy.
Post # 36
A “good guy” doesn’t break up with you after your best friend dies. Fuck. Him.
Post # 37
I’ve been this situation before,ex started to do everything he can to make me back. But since I know we broke up for a reason, and I see good things in my new guy, it was an easy decision (still hard to do though).
Post # 38
So incredibly thoughtful and right of you to fully inform your new boyfriend of the situation. That will only foster trust in your relationship you deserve! It’s okay to still go through the grieving stage of a past relationship while loving someone new. It happens. Based on what you said, I would give your ex a very wide radius. He will probably keep spinning for a while. Unless you are looking for a life full of a partner doubting you and the relationship, leave that cracked foundation behind you and continue to give your current relationship a chance to blossom into something beautiful.
Post # 39
Thank you all so much for taking the time to read a strangers thread and post a comment. Also thanks for sharing your own experiences, they have been very insightful. Reading everything you guys said has really helped a lot so far.
The thing is that after all that’s happened, it’s still hard for me to see him this sad and broken. Especially now that he’s going to therapy to fix his problems, or at least trying to do so. I loved him a lot.
BUT that does not change our history, and the fact that – like a lot of you said – he bailed when things got rough and when I was grieving. And he will probably do this again if I would give him another chance. I will have to find a way to leave this behind me for good.
As for the new boyfriend. He’s been very vocal about wanting to be with me, and I honestly feel the exact same about him. I would very much like to marry him one day.
I know that we all have a past and that our experiences make us who we are today, but sometimes life simply sucks. This year was not easy, but it also thought me some very valuable lessons.
Post # 40
He’s a jackass not a good man
New guy seems choice
Post # 41
Well, if this “I would very much like to marry him one day” really is true of your new bf, then you must in all conscience stop mooning about over how ex feels and looks and sounds and his various good points etc . It might be flattering to have an ex begging to have you back but it doesn’t make it a a good idea to act on it . In fact it wasn’t a good idea to even tell him there was a new bf (you might want to look honestly at your reasons for doing this)
Make up your mind OP , do you want ex back and all that entails? If not, Cut.Him .Off and do the right thing by the new guy .
Post # 42
Oh PUH-lease. He wants you back because his ego is dented.
’Sad and broken’, my arse. He’ll snap right out of it once he lines up your replacement.
Go No Contact with ex, stop torturing yourself, and read Melody Beattie’s book, Codependent No More.
Post # 43
Stay with your new guy! History means in the past; keep it there. You guys are broken up for a reason.
Post # 44
Stick to your guns. I get it, it’s hard to walk away from history. It feels comfortable and familiar. But ultimately, based on what you’ve described, if you’re looking for a committed relationship it’s not very good history. In my experience healthy relationships are defined not by how things are when it’s good but how you weather doubt and conflict. This man has shown you he has a history of commitment and doubt issues. He likely wants you now because your availability is in question, not because you’re the right match. I’ve seen guys like that with friends and once you become available to him it always seems like the feelings wane and go back to the old patterns.
Post # 45
sorry bee, but this sounds like the classic “you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone”
My on-again off-again ex pulled this shit on me too. After acting non-chalantly about our breakup for several months, as soon as he found out I was seeing someone he came over crying, telling me what a mistake it was to break up and that he’ll “try harder” and “he’s changed” and bla bla bla, so I called him on his bluff (cause I knew he was full of shit) and told him that we can get back together and I broke things off with the new guy (all false) — his response “well I wouldn’t want to get back together riiiiight away, but just take it a little slow”. Yaaaaaa okay buddy. Exactly.
its not that your ex has “suddenly seen the light”, it’s that he doesn’t want you but he also doesn’t want anyone else to want you. We are humans, and when other people find sometginf valuable, we tend to see it as having more value too. That’s what’s happening here — you being unavailable and wanted by another man is making you more appealing to your ex — if he had you back, that appeal is lost and he will go back to his old ways.
Stick with your new guy — you deserve someone who KNOWS how they feel about you without having to lose you to realize it.