Ex crush in touch after marriage

posted 5 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
823 posts
Busy bee

You remind me so much of a woman my husband and I know. 

Block this guy and work on your own marriage. Go to counseling. Don’t be a cheater. 

Post # 17
Member
10664 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

. . . he was forced to get married by his parents . . .

Unless he was 12 years old, this kind of asininity reveals a lot about this guy’s character, rather, the lack thereof.  How do parents force a grownass man into getting married? Were there weapons involved?

Bee, he said whatever he had to say to get you in the sack.  And your head was turned by his being nice about you burning your hand?

As other Bees have said, what you have is a ridiculous schoolgirl crush on an arsehole.  Congratulations, you have sunk to his level of arseholianness.

That you should block this guy is a no brainer.

As for telling your husband, I would hold off on that until you can get yourselves into counseling. Dumping all of that on him will be one hell of a blindside. Do it in a supportive environment in which there is some possibility of ultimate resolution and healing. A good couples’ therapist can walk you through this and help minimize the carnage.

There are experts who now believe that parters who have been cheated on are left with some PTSD.  I don’t doubt that.  Your husband’s entire world is about to be blown up. 

Apparently, your marriage is in bad shape anyway.  A skilled therapist can help you to either work on fixing it or ending it with enough grace to protect your innocent child from undue trauma.

Post # 18
Member
572 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I think that instead of fantasizing about being with him, you need to fix the issues in your actual relationship. From the very limited comments you’ve given about your husband, he sounds like a bit of a dick. Maybe you shouldn’t be with him, but that doesn’t neccessarily mean you should be with this guy either. It’s easy for both of you to fantasize about being together when you can’t “actually” be together since you are both married. I bet the story would be quite different if one of you became single.

Post # 19
Member
688 posts
Busy bee

Oh bee. It’s hard when we’re in infatuation mode to see that it’s infatuation, not something “meant to be” or any other nonsense this man is giving you. 

The actions and choices of his that you’ve laid out here paint him as a player who has been disrespectful, who has disregarded your feelings utterly. He didn’t pursue you- he didn’t woo you- he toyed with you. He enjoyed your admiration, and now he’s back for more. 

The chemistry between you is just that- chemicals. Mind-drugs. Hormones that biologically mean you two could have viable offspring. Nothing more. 

The wound within you that needs your care and healing is that which longs for an emotionally unavailable man. You’re going to keep fighting to win one kind word, one small crumb from a man, until you heal this wound. Every little crumb given to you will give you a flood of feelings (this is a dopamine spike, it’s our brain’s “reward system”). This makes the man a kind of drug dealer, in a way- it gives him power, to keep doling out little tiny rewards. 

Set yourself free. Focus on you and on building your self esteem. 

Post # 20
Member
400 posts
Helper bee

I may be in the minority, but I’d cut my losses with this old/new guy, block, unfriend and move on and NOT tell your husband anything. 

Its just a sexual thing for that guy. Once he’s had you he wont look  back. I bet there was no ‘work’ that needed him to stay an extra two days. He figured you’re still into him and got a hard-on. Hence the convenient rented apartment to complete what you started 9 years ago. He had his chance, he knew you were into him, he wasnt into you. He married the woman he really wanted to, but now wants to have his cake on the side too. If you’re willing that is. Your husband may not be perfect but you’ll be a lot worse if you do what your dreams are telling you to. Wake up.

Post # 21
Member
6155 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

lovemybaby :  I think that women who save their first kisses for marriage are extra susceptible to mens’ bullshit. And that’s part of why abstinence and purity training is such a big thing with pencil dicks from many cultures and many religions.

If you had just been able to get him out of your system when you were at University, you would have found out all you needed to know about him. I can tell he’s not worth blowing up your life just from a quick read of your post on an online forum.

If you have issues with your husband, address those. If you want to be with this guy (so you can end up heartbroken and feeling foolish again), then good luck. He won’t be worth it.

Stop texting him. He’s letting you stroke his ego (for some reason) and then ignoring you. Don’t reach out repeatedly and don’t help plan whole vacations for assholes and their families. Your ENTIRE life will be the better for it.

Post # 22
Member
9806 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Don’t think about this guy or your husband, think about your kid. Is this guy worth possibly ruining your child’s shot of having a home with both parents present? Is he worth missing half of the holidays and birthdays your child will have? 

Post # 23
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

lovemybaby :  This is completely immature and inappropriate. This may seem rude but based on only kissing one guy, I think you’re naive. You can’t play the innocence card and cheat on your husband.

Post # 24
Member
9670 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Everything you feel about him is based in a fantasy, not reality. There are all sorts of red flags with the guys behavior. If you aren’t happy in your marriage then focus on figuring that out – either fixing it or leaving but this guy should not be a part of the equation. 

I also feel you should tell your husband about this. He deserves to know and I don’t think you can truly work toward fixing your marriage with this huge lie hanging over it.

Post # 25
Member
1075 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

You have two options

Stay with your husband and deal with the fallout of your indiscretion

Leave your husband and start fresh

There is no option to go with this ex. He will never leave his wife for you, even if you leave your husband for him. This is an old-hat story where the woman loses 99% of the time and the 1% of women who win are lying about it.

Post # 26
Member
1279 posts
Bumble bee

Your actions and words are at odds.  This situation is just a bigger mess. I would seek  individual and couples counselling and cut this guy out for good. 

Post # 28
Member
8317 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Perfectly articulated Twilight. . That OP was so utterly inexperienced as to not even have  kissed a guy is before marriage is part of the reason this fantasy has such a hold on her. 

OP, I agree hold off on telling your husband for now. Ask yourself why you want him to know – cd it be you think it might somehow make him sit up and take notice? Or just to unburden yourself? Just be sure of your motives. 

And get marriage counselling. 

 TwilightRarity :  

eta calling yourself a bitch and horrible etc is dramatising. Stop it, not helpful. 

Post # 30
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

The creative writing stories are getting mildly interesting.

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