Ex emailed me after 9 years, Help and advice?

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Hostess
8962 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

MrsTee :  you shouldn’t have written him back. You should have blocked hi , deleted his email and forgotten about it. Imagine if your husband was doing this? 

Post # 3
Member
848 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Block him and lose all contact. That’s the healthiest thing to do about the situation. If you don’t, you’re on a slipperly slope towards emotional cheating or even worse. 

Post # 4
Member
7094 posts
Busy Beekeeper

What are you hoping to gain from initiating this contact? I think a deep introspective look at your intentions is in order. 

Post # 5
Member
8966 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

MrsTee :  If I understand the timeline correctly, you’ve been broken up for about 10 years now, and with your husband for that whole time. 5 or 6 years ago you emailed this guy about the death of a friend, which probably wasn’t necessary or wise, but whatever. Almost a year ago, he finally responds to that 5 year old message from you, and now you just replied back to his reply from last March? Why? Do you want to be friends with him now? Why would you invite this into your life? You two were literally children and barely knew each other. Your “relationship” was 90% imaginary and you are romanticizing it now. He might well be a perfectly decent human being now, but what does that have to do with you? You’re playing with fire and I think you know it. Just block him and stop giving him space in your head.

Post # 6
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

I feel like we all feel like that a little bit, that “would have been” feeling. I would recommend just cutting of contact/deleting him and just remembering how it wasn’t a good relationship and that you are happy now! And it never hurts to get advice and talk to a therapist! 

Post # 7
Member
6674 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

What were you thinking in emailing him back when his message was from almost a year ago? That doesn’t even make sense. Let sleeping dogs lie, block him and move on. Nothing good can come from this; what did you think would happen?

Post # 8
Member
3863 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

OP, I think you’re feeling this now because you likely never mourned the end of your relationship with this guy. You jumped right from him to your H. You didn’t get to have a grieving period and reflect on what you learned from that, you just jumped right into your next relationship. 

Stop communicating with this guy. Your H has been much more understanding than I would have been. You’re creating drama for yourself and digging up old feelings completely unnecessarily. Feel what you have to feel, sift through it all and then put it away. Don’t open that box again because its unnecessary. 

Just because you don’t have as bright of a spark as you did with your H 10 years ago, doesn’t mean this ex was the right guy for you. Relationships and people change over time. Your ex treated you awfully and that’s on him. You ended things for good reason, remember those reasons and put this whole thing to rest. 

Post # 9
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee

This guy was terrible for you, and you got addicted to the highs and lows of the relationship. Your relationship with your husband is less exciting because it’s better. You probably miss the drama in some ways. Big lows often lead to big highs. 

Don’t talk to him anymore. Not at all. I get it, but you need to remove this guy from your life for good. 

Post # 10
Member
652 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

MrsTee :  Please please for your sake and the sake of your marriage, delete that email, block, do whatever you have to. Sometimes overwhelming emotions lead us to do stupid things even when we have no intention of doing said stupid thing.

Let this die. It died a long time ago. Your husband is a gem to put up with this. Marriage is never a honeymoon phase for the rest of your days. Its rather boring most days but that boring is actually a good thing. Right now you are rationalizing what might be potential marriage killing behavior with this quote. 

 “Of course we have had ups and downs and the spark isnt as bright as it was when we were first together but we have a happy life.” 

Sparks dont always last forever, but common goals and values do last forever. Trust me when I say this that 20 years of being with my husband and having a pretty boring life is so much better than the drama and abusive angst that I dealt with in my previous relationships. 

Stop crying over a guy who abused and controlled you. Your husband deserves better, your marriage deserves that much respect. If you have some unhappiness in your marriage, then you need to find the cause and work on it. Do not let this person into your life because if you have a single bit of unhappiness adding another person to it wont make it better.

 

Post # 11
Member
2135 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I think this has a lot more to do with your current relationship than with a long-ago childhood romance that you have drudged back up. The fact that you are thinking of starting a family soon and feel that the spark in your marriage has somewhat dimmed might be the true cause of your anxiety and initiating contact with your ex a way of escaping hard questions and scary transitions. Are you sure the trapped feeling you mention with the ex isn’t actually what you’re feeling in your life right now? If so, there is nothing to be ashamed of. Instead of focusing on the ex, focus on your marriage and reigniting the spark of your relationship, whatever that means for the two of you.

I must say, your husband seems like an extremely patient man. I love my husband to death, but if he admitted to emailing his ex, was crying and having anxiety about it, had to take a day off of work, and it was clear that he missed her — well, damn, I would be devastated and our relationship would be horribly off kilter. I mean this in the nicest way, but pull yourself together and focus on making your present and future better with the man in front of you.

Post # 12
Member
8859 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

mimivac :  

 I have to agree wholeheartedly with your last bracing sentence .

OP, most of us have had a similar blast from the past l would think. It’s not that big a deal and neither is the temptation have to a ‘what might have been ‘ moment. Feel nostalgic for a day or so, even a little complacent that they still think of you,  then put it away for goodness sake , stop this romanticising and these tearful interludes and focus on now. 

Post # 13
Member
1369 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA

Maybe you’re emotional because you never fully healed from this abusive (yes, ABUSIVE!) relationship.  Maybe deep down you’re feeling sad for that young kid (you) who was stuck with a nightmare of a boyfriend.  Take time to heal, grieve for all the time you spent feeling unhappy being with him….and let it go.  Do not contact him again!

Post # 14
Member
981 posts
Busy bee

MrsTee :  Out of respect for your marriage, delete the email, and forget your abusive ex. Your husband has the patience and understanding of a saint. 

Post # 15
Member
368 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

Oh bee why on earth would you write him back??? That email was from a long time ago and now you just open up contact with him. He doesn’t need an update on your life. You wanted to give him that, but I am not sure why? If my husband ever did this (me knowing or not) I would be highly upset. The thought’s in my head would be all over the place, all the “why’s” would have to be answered. Just block him bee before it hurt’s your husband. 

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