Post # 1
Hello everyone! I haven’t been on here in a long time, not since I was planning my wedding with my husband. I remember getting great advice here so I thought I would make a post about this life event…
I dated this guy from ages 14 to 20. He was my first for..everything…we were in a long distance relationship (he is from canada im from usa) for the whole time. However we saw eachother in real life several times a year during breaks and such. It wasn’t ideal of course but we were mad about eachother…
Towards the end of our relationship I slowly fell out of love with him. I realized that he was very controlling of me and it was, awful. It started with him not allowing me to have friends (especially NOT guy friends [he didnt want me to have friends because he said that they might change my opinion of him]) and when I did see a friend he would make me feel extremely guilty for going out afterwards. I always had to ask permission about anything I did/wanted to do. He would get mad at me over simple things and punish me by ignoring me for hours. When my parents got divorced I went to him for comfort and he told me to stop whining and creating drama…Just soooo much these are just a handfu of examples that I can even remember right now.. He made me feel weak and trapped…but he was addicting and I would always go back to him. I would get anxiety attacks all the time especially if I couldnt talk to him.
But while all these bad behaviors happened it was like…when we saw eachother in real life it wasnt as bad and it was more normal when we were together in real life. But online it would all come back again. He would eventually apoligize to me and say he would change or make it better but he never changed of course. It was like 90% amazing but 10% so so so bad….
I started talking to my husband a few months before the ex and I broke up, my H pretty much helped me get out of this relationship. If he wasn’t around at the time I would have gone back to my ex, I still almost did but I stayed strong. My H and I married and have been together since. Of course we have had ups and downs and the spark isnt as bright as it was when we were first together but we have a happy life. A house and a dog and we want kids soon (im almost 30 years old and hes 30)
I for some reason had this urge to look at my old email saturday and low and behold there is an email from my ex in my inbox from march 2019. He was replying to an email I wrote him when a friend of ours died in 2014 but he didnt see it until now (he totally blocked me out of his life when we broke up). So I read his email. It was just a life update about what hes up to etc he said he found one of our old emails back and fourth and how he is a different man now and tha the didn’t communicate well and ‘no wonder it didnt work out between us’ . I wrote him back, just a life update for me and how my H is and family and jobs and that kind of stuff.
My husband knows about the emails. I have been for some reason crying and having anxiety attacks all weekend and hes been very undertsanding. I took today off work to get my head right.
What I dont understand is why Im so emotional over this? I didn’t miss him before, sure every once in a blue moon id think of him and wonder how he was doing but why am I suddenly so overcome with emotion? I feel like i MISS him even though I know our relationship wasnt great, we were so young. But I miss the good things…. he was a big chunk of my life and I missed him but Im scared because I dont want to get trapped. I could never leave my husband I love him but its like Im having all these anxieties again that I had when my ex and I were together.
I feel damn. Crazy.
Post # 2
MrsTee : you shouldn’t have written him back. You should have blocked hi , deleted his email and forgotten about it. Imagine if your husband was doing this?
Post # 3
Block him and lose all contact. That’s the healthiest thing to do about the situation. If you don’t, you’re on a slipperly slope towards emotional cheating or even worse.
Post # 4
What are you hoping to gain from initiating this contact? I think a deep introspective look at your intentions is in order.
Post # 5
MrsTee : If I understand the timeline correctly, you’ve been broken up for about 10 years now, and with your husband for that whole time. 5 or 6 years ago you emailed this guy about the death of a friend, which probably wasn’t necessary or wise, but whatever. Almost a year ago, he finally responds to that 5 year old message from you, and now you just replied back to his reply from last March? Why? Do you want to be friends with him now? Why would you invite this into your life? You two were literally children and barely knew each other. Your “relationship” was 90% imaginary and you are romanticizing it now. He might well be a perfectly decent human being now, but what does that have to do with you? You’re playing with fire and I think you know it. Just block him and stop giving him space in your head.
Post # 6
I feel like we all feel like that a little bit, that “would have been” feeling. I would recommend just cutting of contact/deleting him and just remembering how it wasn’t a good relationship and that you are happy now! And it never hurts to get advice and talk to a therapist!
Post # 7
What were you thinking in emailing him back when his message was from almost a year ago? That doesn’t even make sense. Let sleeping dogs lie, block him and move on. Nothing good can come from this; what did you think would happen?
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
OP, I think you’re feeling this now because you likely never mourned the end of your relationship with this guy. You jumped right from him to your H. You didn’t get to have a grieving period and reflect on what you learned from that, you just jumped right into your next relationship.
Stop communicating with this guy. Your H has been much more understanding than I would have been. You’re creating drama for yourself and digging up old feelings completely unnecessarily. Feel what you have to feel, sift through it all and then put it away. Don’t open that box again because its unnecessary.
Just because you don’t have as bright of a spark as you did with your H 10 years ago, doesn’t mean this ex was the right guy for you. Relationships and people change over time. Your ex treated you awfully and that’s on him. You ended things for good reason, remember those reasons and put this whole thing to rest.
Post # 9
This guy was terrible for you, and you got addicted to the highs and lows of the relationship. Your relationship with your husband is less exciting because it’s better. You probably miss the drama in some ways. Big lows often lead to big highs.
Don’t talk to him anymore. Not at all. I get it, but you need to remove this guy from your life for good.
Post # 10
MrsTee : Please please for your sake and the sake of your marriage, delete that email, block, do whatever you have to. Sometimes overwhelming emotions lead us to do stupid things even when we have no intention of doing said stupid thing.
Let this die. It died a long time ago. Your husband is a gem to put up with this. Marriage is never a honeymoon phase for the rest of your days. Its rather boring most days but that boring is actually a good thing. Right now you are rationalizing what might be potential marriage killing behavior with this quote.
“Of course we have had ups and downs and the spark isnt as bright as it was when we were first together but we have a happy life.”
Sparks dont always last forever, but common goals and values do last forever. Trust me when I say this that 20 years of being with my husband and having a pretty boring life is so much better than the drama and abusive angst that I dealt with in my previous relationships.
Stop crying over a guy who abused and controlled you. Your husband deserves better, your marriage deserves that much respect. If you have some unhappiness in your marriage, then you need to find the cause and work on it. Do not let this person into your life because if you have a single bit of unhappiness adding another person to it wont make it better.
Post # 11
I think this has a lot more to do with your current relationship than with a long-ago childhood romance that you have drudged back up. The fact that you are thinking of starting a family soon and feel that the spark in your marriage has somewhat dimmed might be the true cause of your anxiety and initiating contact with your ex a way of escaping hard questions and scary transitions. Are you sure the trapped feeling you mention with the ex isn’t actually what you’re feeling in your life right now? If so, there is nothing to be ashamed of. Instead of focusing on the ex, focus on your marriage and reigniting the spark of your relationship, whatever that means for the two of you.
I must say, your husband seems like an extremely patient man. I love my husband to death, but if he admitted to emailing his ex, was crying and having anxiety about it, had to take a day off of work, and it was clear that he missed her — well, damn, I would be devastated and our relationship would be horribly off kilter. I mean this in the nicest way, but pull yourself together and focus on making your present and future better with the man in front of you.
Post # 12
I have to agree wholeheartedly with your last bracing sentence .
OP, most of us have had a similar blast from the past l would think. It’s not that big a deal and neither is the temptation have to a ‘what might have been ‘ moment. Feel nostalgic for a day or so, even a little complacent that they still think of you, then put it away for goodness sake , stop this romanticising and these tearful interludes and focus on now.
Post # 13
- Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA
Maybe you’re emotional because you never fully healed from this abusive (yes, ABUSIVE!) relationship. Maybe deep down you’re feeling sad for that young kid (you) who was stuck with a nightmare of a boyfriend. Take time to heal, grieve for all the time you spent feeling unhappy being with him….and let it go. Do not contact him again!
Post # 14
MrsTee : Out of respect for your marriage, delete the email, and forget your abusive ex. Your husband has the patience and understanding of a saint.
Post # 15
Oh bee why on earth would you write him back??? That email was from a long time ago and now you just open up contact with him. He doesn’t need an update on your life. You wanted to give him that, but I am not sure why? If my husband ever did this (me knowing or not) I would be highly upset. The thought’s in my head would be all over the place, all the “why’s” would have to be answered. Just block him bee before it hurt’s your husband.