Ex-friend contacted me 6 years later. I hate who she brings out in me.

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1432 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

Why do you feel you have to “get past it” at all?  If she was toxic then and you aren’t in a place to rekindle things, why are you trying to force yourself to?  If you’re not in a place where you feel restarting the friendship would benefit you, then don’t talk to her.

Post # 3
Member
1075 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

This “checking in” with each other seems like a pity party for her and rationale that gives reason for her god-fucking-awful behavior in the past, as well as it is satisfaction for you that you’re getting on well while she’s still struggling through relationships and therapy. Why even bother carrying on with this non-relationship? I would not bother “reconnecting.”

If you still had her in the back of your mind as someone to be better than, therapy might be useful. But if you’ve only started feeling like this again because her name popped up in messages, obviously don’t continue to talk to her or see her.

Post # 4
Member
2535 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

View original reply
sboom :  I’ve only had one really toxic friendship, I cut it off years ago. This girl apparently got her shit together and has recently been trying to get in touch with myself and the other girls that she used to be friends with, I just ignore her messages. My life has been just fine without her the last ten years, I don’t need to rekindle what was once a shitty friendship.

I just wouldn’t meet up with her, clearly there’s a lot of negativity associated with this person, regardless of if she’s taking the steps to get her life together. I wouldn’t waste my time if I were you.

Post # 5
Member
535 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I’ve recently had some “ex-friends” contact me as well, one of them is slightly similar to your friend. From my experience, I recommend not getting together with her. You’ll get together, you’ll think the friendship might come back and be great again and then very briefly after that they’ll say/do something that shows you it’s just never going to work. Don’t feel guilty. You will have less and less time for friends as you get married and life goes on. You’re going to want just a few extremely good friends to spend the very little spare time you’ll have with. Getting together with her is likely to make it more difficult for you to “get past” anything. Just focus on moving forward, that’s really the only way

Post # 6
Member
6166 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

Definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting a different result. Why the hell do you want her back in your life? Do you want her to mess it up? Stay far, far away from this person. Wish her well and then block her. Find better friends. Congrats on your wedding! 

Post # 7
Member
1751 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

I have a friend, my best friend now, that our friendship started out as a weird competitive thing. We were freshman year roommates, but became friends(ish) after the first year. But our relationship was always strained, and there was definitely competition, as we eventually set out on essentially the same career path. But I had more practical experience than her, so she was constantly trying to one up me on pretty much everything, and I definitely fed into that. Now, it never got to the point that your friendship did, but it was definitely not a healthy relationship.

It helped that we took some time apart. I wouldn’t say our friendship ended, but there was definitely a period of a year or two when we definitely were anything but close. What ultimately happened was we both grew up, and both went through therapy. We became different people than we were before. Better people. We were able to move on and support each other through some really rough times. 

I think this could be an opportunity for some closure for you. I’m not sure you can revive this friendship, and I’m not sure that you should. But maybe meeting up with her again after all this time, you’ll see she is a different person, and you can let go of the person that you were when you were friends with her. Or maybe you find that she is still that same person, and it’s just best for you to bury that part of your life and that part of you that she brings out. But this will be the deciding point, because if after 6 years, everything still snaps back to the way they were before, there is no changing that. And if there is no changing that, you have to accept that, and let that toxic part of you die with the friendship.

Post # 9
Member
1003 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I think those feelings are natural, and don’t have to be harmful as long as you don’t feed into them. When you start to feel competetive or bitter or whatever towards her, acknowledge that you’re feeling it, tell yourself you will NOT let your actions reflect those feelings, and move on. You can’t always control your feelings, that doesn’t make you a bad person in the slightest. The thing you CAN control is your actions. So do what you need to do, whether that’s avoiding her forever or reconciling enough that you can be around each other without awkwardness, and forgive yourself for whatever feelings pop up from time to time.

Post # 10
Member
10605 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

So, I had a best friend all through middle school/high school I was close with. Shared a locker all through school and our parents were friendly for a while so we spent a lot of time together despite being very different (she was one of our head cheerleaders, I was decidedly goth and had pink hair).

After high school we stayed friends, all though not as attached at the hip. Things started going down hill when she got engaged to her on/off high school boyfriend who we went to school with. She called me to tell me he proposed and I was so excited for her because she was happy about it. I thought I would be a bridesmaid as I was her self proclaimed “BFF” but she eventually told me she couldn’t have me as a bridesmaid because her grandma had picked her bridesmaids. Hurt a little but it was whatever, I went to her wedding anyway and celebrated her marriage as a friend should.

Not long after that she invited me out randomly to a theme park with herself and her husband and some people. I went and at one point in the night found myself alone with her husband (who I had known for years as we went to school together.) He took it upon himself to tell me that I was going to hell unless I accepted Jesus Christ into my life and that it didn’t matter if I was a good person or not because I had not accepted Jesus into my heart. It was extremely offensive but I tried to be polite and non confrontational with him. Ultimately, I didn’t tell my friend as I didn’t want to cause trouble since they had just gotten married. 

A few months after this a few days before Christmas Eve I found out my long term boyfriend I had moved in with two months prior was cheating on me. I called my best friend as one does in these situations and she told me how sorry she was, that she was off work for the next week and would come over the next day and help me pack my stuff. 

That was the last I ever heard from her for over five or six years. She just disappeared from my life. Then last September she messaged me out of the blue and asked if I wanted to meet up for breakfast one day. I accepted, thinking maybe I could find some closure or perhaps she had realized she did a shitty thing and maybe wanted to talk about it. Turns out once I got there that she wanted to see me because our 10 year reuinion was coming up and she wanted to make sure I didn’t mention to her husband how she used to sleep around behind his back in high school/before they were married. After that day I again never heard from her again.

I tell you this long drawn out story to say, don’t be me. Just let the friendship go with all the feelings that go along with it. You don’t have to hold on to the past or those toxic feelings.

Post # 11
Member
1491 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
sboom :  I only read your OP and not any of the replies yet, but holy shit, bee, that falling out wasn’t “the straw that broke the camel’s back”, that was a freaking log made from the trunk of the crowning glory of the redwood forest!!!

You had been given such a rare opportunity to tell someone who really, truly, deeply, jawdroppingly wronged you, to fuck off.  It’s still not too late.  Meet her for coffee or whatever and tell her just what you think of her. She deserves it. What will you lose? Certainly not a wonderful friendship.  

Edit: Missed the part where you had already met her for coffee years ago. Well, I wouldn’t meet with her again then. There’s nothing you stand to gain from it and from the sound of things, much to lose (stirring up negative competitive feelings, etc.)

Post # 12
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

View original reply
sboom :  I have a story about a friend i had a falling out with and now we are like best friends and so glad we are , I hate to admit it was over a stupid guy who was playing both sides me and her. This guy was someone who was manipulating both of us at the same time and we both didn’t realize we were basically hooking up with the same guy!! crazy right?. So this went on for 2 months and (stupid guy) ended up telling my friend he was committed to her and that I was trying to steal him from her and that caused a huge storm between me and my friend. My friend was seeing other guys and dating a few other guys , I on the other hand was only seeing (stupid guy). So me and my friend got into a huge fight 2 years passed and she contacted me and apologized and realized I wasn’t trying to steal the (stupid guy)  that he was playing both sides on purpose to tear up our friendship. She later on realized this and so did I and we spent 2 years wondering why would she or I date the same guy at the same time..  Crazy story but this guy had every intention of messing up our friendship , It took a few years but he ended up losing the battle me and my friend are back to normal and are closer than ever… I swear guys can be evil !!!!!   

Post # 13
Member
1642 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
sboom :  i wouldn’t worry about it too much if I were you. It happens. Lots of people cut out toxic friends or family members. You just keep it moving. 

I have a friend Julia that all our friends group fell out with over the college years. She was an only child, incredibly selfish and insecure. She woudl go after any guy i liked as if me liking him was me giving her a reference for him. She even YEARS later ended up on a trip with friends one of whom was a guy I just started dating. She was still so incredibly insecure and a jerk that she ended up making out with him on that trip i wasn’t there for. She even posted PHOTOS of them making out when they all came back!! Sick. She has zero friends left from her childhood bc of her behavior. Icing on the cake was how in college she ended a life long friendship with a girl we were both friends with that she new since kindergarden age simply because she, “didnt feel she was getting enough out of the friendship” Mind you, that friend had a broken leg, and a dad in the hospital at the time she ended their friendship. That friend is so incredibly sweet and didn’t deserve to be treated that way. 

I think of Julia now and again curious what happened to her. I am living on the other side of the country now and from her social media she is still single and looks like she can’t get her life together so she repeatedly creates, then deletes social media pages each year. 

It happens, you will probably always wonder about her, and be mad at her but so what? Worst thing you could do is invite her back into your life again. You should reach out to her and tell her that you don’t want her in your life and that you wish her well. END. 

Post # 15
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

View original reply
sboom :  I know i just wanted to share and sometimes it’s misunderstandings that end friendships , imo your experience with this old friend isn’t worth rekindling.  You sound like a good person and she took advantage of your kindness and hurt you so much , I would meet up with her and tell her you think its best you don’t keep in touch and what she did to you is unforgivable despite her excuses of needing help or mental illness. Some people use that excuse to go overboard and expect to be forgiven. 

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