Ex-friend contacted me 6 years later. I hate who she brings out in me.

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
1561 posts
Bumble bee

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sboom :  You can 100% put it in the past and still cut her off and tell her you would rather not meet and move on with your lives. You don’t have to be taking the high ground by meeting up with her. In this situation it very well could be the high ground to not engage in what is probably going to be a useless exercise. She is going to want to catch up, apologize again most likely, and be friends again in some way. Id say you are better off not going there with her at all. Doesnt’ make you bitter or the bad one to not engage. Id say cut your losses and tell her you changed your mind. 

Post # 17
475 posts
Helper bee

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ladyjane123 :  This. So much this. Who said that taking the high road meant meeting up with everyone who has ever done you wrong? You’re happy, you’re engaged, you’re about to embark on a new chapter in your life and you don’t need this girl dragging all of that down or these toxic feelings she brings up.

I can guarantee that you guys meeting up is more for her than for you. (Probably some step in her therapy or some shit.) 

Tell her you changed your mind or something has come up and you can’t meet and continue your life facing forward. Throw that rearview mirror out and don’t look back. 

Post # 18
990 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

You can forgive someone and still not want anything to do with them. 

I would not want to find out for myself whether or not she has changed. Why put yourself in the position to get hurt again? She has shown you enough of who she is. If she’s so much improved, then she will have an easy time making new friends.

Post # 20
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I’d just say I couldn’t make it and leave it at that.

Post # 22
1707 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

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sboom :  I think the best course of action here is to go, and explain to her in person that though you appreciate her reaching out, you don’t wish to rekindle your friendship because it brings out a part of yourself that you don’t like. You wish that wasn’t true, but you have to do what’s best for you and that is to part ways. You wish her all the best and that she deserves happiness, and you hope she finds it.

Post # 23
201 posts
Helper bee

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sboom :  I see both sides.. On the one hand I see the value in burying the hatchet.  Heavens knows I have at least one ‘friend’ from college I’d be very curious to meet up with and just be cordial with.  But a lot of that is my own curiosity (I never found out why she hated me so damn much.. she claims I did something but would never tell me what.)

That said, an ex of mine was quite toxic.  Not abusive, just toxic.  He fed my eating disorder and would get very upset if I ever talked about it or tried to get better (our breakup was literally precipitated because he caught me reading a self help book for eating disorders and was upset I wouldn’t stop when he asked me to).  It’s not that he wanted me to have an ED (I don’t think?) but its that he wanted to pretend it didn’t exist and was very upset that I couldn’t just do that for him.  Anyway, those details are irrelevant, the point is years later he wanted to meet up.  I originally said sure or something of the sort, but later thought beter of it.  I couldn’t see what I would possibly get from meeting with him.  I let him know I had changed my mind, he asked me why, and I told him pretty honestly that our relationship was toxic and I didn’t really see the value in opening myself up to that again.  He was shocked, he asked me to explain what I meant, and I did, and he then apologized and said that he clearly had some self-reflecting to do.  That’s the last we ever spoke, but it was actually much more deeply satisfying than any pretend-nice coffee date would have been I think.  

Anyway, all I’m saying is–telling her the truth as to where you are right now in terms of wanting to see her, and why, may not be as bad as you think.

Post # 24
1427 posts
Bumble bee

I believe the past should stay in the past. You have some good memories and also some pretty rotten ones where she used your most tender, revealed feelings against you. Out of choice. No matter what the reason was, she chose to be cruel. Best not to rehash it all.

You sound like a kind person who wants to keep things cordial or at least civil. She might have her stuff sorted out but what if she doesn’t? She brings something out in you that you don’t like and are not proud of so personally, I would move forward without her in my life. She will be there with your shared friends and you can be pleasant- but let it be.

Post # 25
15 posts

I have to echo what everyone else has said. I, like many others here, have an ex-friend that while i don’t think she’s a bad person was a toxic relationship for me.

I just go about my life as if my ex-friend doesn’t exist. I hope she’s happy the way I hope strangers are happy. We have mutual friends and I do run into her from time to time and I’m polite the way I would be to any other friend of a friend I barely know and have no interest in getting to know better. Leave it at that and I’m very happy with how things are.

Cut the fat. You don’t owe her anything. If she tries to reschedule just be busy or literally don’t respond. 

You have to do what makes you your best self and this woman isn’t it. Don’t let her get into your head again.

Post # 26
2308 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I had a falling out 7 years ago with my ex best friend over her wedding. 

I wish her well and wonder where she is often. I even miss her 

However I don’t need someone like her in my life. Simple

Post # 27
4854 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I wouldn’t meet up with her. Her only real reason to contact you for a meet up would be to try  rekindle the friendship. She already apologised in your last coffee x amount of years ago so she’s definitely not apologizing again. Renewing friendship is most likely her motive but she deliberately hurt you and whilst its good that she has worked out her behaviour pattern and the motives behind it, an epiphany doesn’t really cancel out the way you’ve treated people as a result. She shouldn’t really expect you be OK with her behavior because she’s worked out why. She hurt you and its OK to still feel raw about it. Your feelings of competitiveness I think would be normal in this circumstance. Nothing wrong with having negative feelings. Its what you do with them that matters and you’ve realised they are unhealthy and have seen them for what they are and tried to act in healthier way with them.  I wouldn’t meet up with her its counterproductive for yourself and sometimes too much water had flowed under the bridge to allow any kind of positive experience to come from it. 

I’d just be honest with her in a text.

I was a bit surprised to hear from you the other day and agreed to meet up with you because it was sudden and I didn’t really get a chance to work out what I really wanted to do. On further reflection, I don’t really think that this planned meet up would be beneficial to either of us. I don’t really have a desire to pick up the friendship where we left off and I still carry a lot of negative feelings around our old friendship. I honestly don’t want to meet up with you. I’m in a different place in my life and I would just prefer for you to be a person  from my past that I was friends with for a while. Despite all of this I wish you well and hope that you understand. 

Post # 28
28 posts
  • Wedding: September 2018

I think you might be able to get through your toxic feelings by accessing some compassion for your friend. Because this woman is clearly screwy, and years later she is still dealing with being screwy and years into the furture? Probably still dealing with the same issues.


And that is tragic.


Reading your OP reminded me of this British series I saw a little while ago called Fleabag. I recccommend it to you because it stars a female antihero much like your friend. She struggles with close relationships so much, acts out promiscuosly and in the end pushes away or greatly harms the people close to her.


Your friend didn’t care about that boy. And it wasn’t you she was competing with, it was him. It was all the hims. She was threatened those guys would take you away from her. The last guy was the biggest threat ever so she acted out in the biggest way ever.


In the process she pushed you away and lost you anyway.


Now imagine thats a pattern you repeat over and over in your life. You were able to walk away and make healthier choices. She is stuck with herself and has to spend hours in psychotherapy dealing with what will probably be lifelong issues.


By accessing this compassion I by no means suggest that you rekindle a friendship. You can feel compassion for someone from a SAFE distance. Feeling compassion for her won’t make you immune to being drawn into her BS if you keep her around for a long time.


But it might help with the feelings you have inside yourself when you think about her.

Post # 29
689 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Hi OP, I PMed you.

Post # 30
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

 I did something similar once with a friend I had a falling out with. It went ok – she reached out for some reason or another, and we grabbed coffee. I knew she was pregnant, so I brought her a little baby gift. We caught up, cleared the air, and that was it. I do run into her on occasion, and we can say  hi, and it’s not super awkward like it once was. 

Honestly, it was more for her than me though. I could have lived without it, but I knew she needed it for some reason so i went – 90 minutes out of my life I could give to someone. Just be careful though that you dont’ slip into nostalgia and start contacting her again. It’ll never be the same, and it’ll just turn out worse or awkward.

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