Ex-friend contacted me 6 years later. I hate who she brings out in me.

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
1961 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I don’t know. What makes you think you need to be friends to “get past” all this? You are both saying it yourselves – life is good for y’all. I don’t see the harm in keeping in touch, but honestly, neither of you benefit from rekindling a true friendship.

Just be acquaintances. Over time, your toxic self will evaporate, and she will learn to love herself and embrace her true personality – which, if she’s in therapy, she doesn’t fully know yet and is trying to learn who she is and where she wants to be. Because of that, I would stay back. 

But if she asks you out for coffee, what the hell, why not. 

Post # 33
842 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I would just go, if nothing more than to satisfy your curiosity. 

I had a situation like this with a toxic best friend as well. Although she didn’t swoop in and “steal my guy”, we were incredibly close. She didn’t have much family so I kind of took her in as an additional family member, invited her to our Christmas and Thanksgivings, etc.. but the friendship with her was draining. I lost my mom that year, and yet every time I met up with her or anytime she needed me it was to discuss issues she was going through or things she was upset about. It was a very one-sided friendship. I also found out she was trying to pit my other friends against me, making up lies about things I’ve said about them and stuff. We had a bad falling out and I didn’t talk with her for five years. She contacted me out of the blue one day to go for a walk and get smoothies last year. I agreed because I kind of felt like you… I resented her in a way and I just wanted to get to a place where I felt neutral. 

So I met her for a walk, we cleared the air, but we aren’t “ friends”. I would say we are just at a place where we have no ill feelings towards each other, which is exactly where I wanted to be.  

I don’t see anything wrong with going. It doesn’t mean you have to be best friends again. Just go, have a chat.. and then continue on with your life as you were. I think you’re also at a different place in your life than you were when you were friends, so to be that close with someone now would take a good deal of effort. I think a coffee and a chat is pretty harmless. If she wants to be closer after that, then decide where you want to go from there (but I would keep someone like that at an arm’s length, to be honest). 

Post # 34
1427 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
sboom :  Best of luck with your meeting up. If you feel up to it ( and wish to), let us know it goes. Hopefully you will leave with your mind a little bit more settled about how you will react to her presence in your group or even if she is just mentioned by a friend in the future.

Post # 37
1427 posts
Bumble bee

Sounds like it went well. Good to hear and thanks for the update. Now you can relax about it all.

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