Post # 31
I don’t know. What makes you think you need to be friends to “get past” all this? You are both saying it yourselves – life is good for y’all. I don’t see the harm in keeping in touch, but honestly, neither of you benefit from rekindling a true friendship.
Just be acquaintances. Over time, your toxic self will evaporate, and she will learn to love herself and embrace her true personality – which, if she’s in therapy, she doesn’t fully know yet and is trying to learn who she is and where she wants to be. Because of that, I would stay back.
But if she asks you out for coffee, what the hell, why not.
Post # 32
So, after some deliberation, talking it out with a close friend who knows the whole situation, and getting some really good insight from the Bees here, I’ve decided that I will go ahead with the coffee meet up that I already committed to.
I feel that if I don’t go, I’m going to just be curious about what she wanted and that just means she’s taking up space in my head that could be more productively occupied. I’m not worried about getting sucked back into a toxic friendship at all – I have no interest in rekindling the friendship we once had and am confident that I have the mental and emotional fortitude to be honest with her about that.
I do, however, want to be able to update the mental image of her that I currently have with one that I can respect. I want to get to a place where, when mutual friends bring up her name in conversation, I can respond with genuine interest or curiosity rather than having to fake it while I hide this stupid toxic, competitve emotional response that I tend to have. I honestly think that meeting up with her and hearing the work she is doing on herself will go a long way toward getting me to that place.
And while I don’t have any interest in having her back in my life on a regular basis, I do want what’s best for her and if meeting up with me, sharing the work she has done, and getting my validation is what she needs, then I’m happy to give her that. I’m happy to take an hour or two out of my life if that means she is able to forgive herself for her past behaviours and gain more confidence that she is on the right path in life.
Post # 33
I would just go, if nothing more than to satisfy your curiosity.
I had a situation like this with a toxic best friend as well. Although she didn’t swoop in and “steal my guy”, we were incredibly close. She didn’t have much family so I kind of took her in as an additional family member, invited her to our Christmas and Thanksgivings, etc.. but the friendship with her was draining. I lost my mom that year, and yet every time I met up with her or anytime she needed me it was to discuss issues she was going through or things she was upset about. It was a very one-sided friendship. I also found out she was trying to pit my other friends against me, making up lies about things I’ve said about them and stuff. We had a bad falling out and I didn’t talk with her for five years. She contacted me out of the blue one day to go for a walk and get smoothies last year. I agreed because I kind of felt like you… I resented her in a way and I just wanted to get to a place where I felt neutral.
So I met her for a walk, we cleared the air, but we aren’t “ friends”. I would say we are just at a place where we have no ill feelings towards each other, which is exactly where I wanted to be.
I don’t see anything wrong with going. It doesn’t mean you have to be best friends again. Just go, have a chat.. and then continue on with your life as you were. I think you’re also at a different place in your life than you were when you were friends, so to be that close with someone now would take a good deal of effort. I think a coffee and a chat is pretty harmless. If she wants to be closer after that, then decide where you want to go from there (but I would keep someone like that at an arm’s length, to be honest).
Post # 34
Best of luck with your meeting up. If you feel up to it ( and wish to), let us know it goes. Hopefully you will leave with your mind a little bit more settled about how you will react to her presence in your group or even if she is just mentioned by a friend in the future.
Post # 35
Thanks 🙂 That’s exactly the place I want to get to.
Don’t worry – I’ll fill the bees in haha
Post # 36
Some of you asked me to give an update after we met up so here it is:
So, we met up today and it was actually a really nice hangout. i had a glass of wine, she had a coffee and we just sort of caught up on what’s been going on in each other’s lives these past few years. Filled each other in on some of the friends we used to share that drifted one way or the other. Eventually got onto the topic of why she reached out and she said it was because last time she hung out with a handful of our mutual friends she thought “I wish sboom was here. That’d be fun” and that was basically it. She’s not trying to be my bestie again or hang out all the time, but was hoping to catch up and when she’s getting together with those friends she’d like to be able to invite me too.
It was actually really nice hanging out with her today. She is fun to chat with and it was nice catching up. I’m glad I went. And I’m glad she didn’t have any weird motive. It does sound like she has done a truckload of growing up over the years (as have I) and she seems to have grown into a pretty cool, self aware person. It also turns out that she was also diagnosed with ADHD a couple years ago so I thought that was pretty funny. Most of the problems we had as friend’s stemmed from the fact that we were far too similar and that brought out a lot insecurity and competitive bullshit from both of us. Finding out we have that in common too was pretty amusing and also may explain some of the difficulty we had back in the day.
So the TL;DR is that we met up, it was a nice chat, we both agree we are cool and can hang out and enjoy each other’s company among mutual friends, but we aren’t trying to start back where we left off or become besties again.
Post # 37
Sounds like it went well. Good to hear and thanks for the update. Now you can relax about it all.