Ex friend thinks she did nothing wrong. What to say?

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1192 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I’d leave it. She’s bored and using the pandemic to track down people she lost track of, that’s all. I’ve moved countries multiple times, and I promise you this: you always say goodbye to the people who actually matter to you. No exceptions.

Post # 3
Member
489 posts
Helper bee

Honestly, go with how you feel deep down. Not saying bye was super shitty. She clearly wasn’t valuing your friendship. HOWEVER, I understand how her views may have changed during the pandemic. PP mentioned she is bored, which very well be the case, but she might also truly have a new perspective. After my Father-In-Law passed last year, I definitely made more efforts with loved ones and reached out to one of my ex best friends that I hadn’t spoken to in 3 years because I realized she ultimately was an important person in my life. 

SO, if you think she is actually being genuine about being friends with you, you are mentally prepared to take the risk of her being shitty again, and you actually WANT to be friends, I think proceed with caution.

 

To me, it sounds you are kind of annoyed with her, and in that case, don’t force it.

ETA something my therapist said to me a few years when I had the falling out with my friend was that if I want to rekindle the friendship, I need to be able to let go of all the bs and not bring it up. Clean slate. And I definitely wasn’t ok with that at the time. So, if you can’t do that, you are def not ready to be friends again. Just let her know it’s still too fresh and you don’t want to have that tension in your relationships.

Post # 4
Member
1194 posts
Bumble bee

You’ve gone without her friendship for 3 years and been totally fine, I assume, so I don’t see how her presence in your life really adds value.  It’s a non-starter for me, just leave it as PP advised.  It sounds like her recent behavior has kind of irked you so trying  to “rekindle” a friendship from that perspective likely won’t end very well.

Post # 5
Member
4697 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I totally agree with 

View original reply
@xiexie: and to be honest I’d send her this gif in response to her message  because I’m a petty bitch…

 

She seriously told you that she thought you were a friend that she could go back to and pick up where she left off when she wants exactly like you’re some book that she’s half read…. 

It’s easy to lose touch with people over the course of the years. It happens but her response when she left said it all and the follow up of defensiveness when you told her how you felt just now confirms she’s not someone to waste your time with. She isn’t a true friend..

Post # 6
Member
568 posts
Busy bee

It honestly doesn’t sound like you two were very good friends at all. You talk about how she was social and you weren’t but you made it work. For her birthday you talk about socializing with “her friends”. It sort of seems like she had a group of friends and you were an outlier that sometimes she hung out with one on one. It also sounds like she tried to invite you to things with her friends for years but you declined when they were going to bars. That’s a perfectly fine choice, but it isn’t surprising to me that she mayt not have felt as close to you as to her other friends. Maybe “her friends” organized that party and they didn’t think to invite you. You also say that after you saw the photos of the party and reached out to say it was too bad you didn’t get to say goodbye but then you never messaged her again. If I were her, I would assume the friendship had fizzled and that it was a mutual thing. Did you regularly keep in touch via text, facebook or email when you were living in the same city or only catch up when you saw each other?

I have a friend like this. When I invite her to things my friend group is doing she almost always says no. If she does come, she complains a lot about the type of activity we are doing or how I am not spending 100% of my time making sure she is having fun. I’ve stopped inviting her to this stuff because it is honestly exhausting and it makes my friends question why I even like her. When we hang out one on one though it is great. My friends don’t see that part. We were long distance friends for a while and we didn’t really talk very often but when she was in town we would get together for dinner and it would feel like we were picking things right back up where we left them. I think of her more as a close aquaintance that I enjoy spending time with now and then. I don’t think that makes me an asshole. I’ve tried to include her more but it’s honestly not worth the battle. 

Post # 7
Member
7551 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

If you’d like to rekindle the friendship meet her. If there is too much water under the bridge don’t. It doesn’t sound as if you are going to get any sort of apology for past events. 

Post # 8
Member
4210 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I mean I could argue you knew she was moving and never reached out either?

It sounds like neither of you were all that into each other, just let it go.

Post # 10
Member
261 posts
Helper bee

It doesn’t sound like you were that close of friends and that the friendship just fizzled. Or maybe you were situational friends and it just didn’t work when she was abroad. You didn’t go to her birthday parties because they were at bars? That’s strange logic to me and borderline rude. She feels it’ll be easy to just pick things up now that she is ready…also sorta seems rude. 

I think you could still rekindle a friendship, but you’d need to be more aware of the level your friendship is at. I don’t think situational friendships are bad or insulting (the friend you do hikes with, the friend that also likes your knitting hobby, the old work friend you catch up with once a year, etc). However, if you’re not missing the friendship, then you’re fine to just ignore her. 

Post # 11
Member
2473 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
@lovebug17:  She’s been out of your life for 3 years. I’d just let this fade back away. She clearly expects you to put forth all the effort in your friendship, and those “friendships” are a dime a dozen and not worth your time. 

Post # 12
Member
6963 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

View original reply
@lovebug17:  I’ve lived a lot of places and moved around a lot. Sometimes, the hardest people to connect with are the ones where the relationship is based more around slower, quieter, more depthful interactions versus big social gatherings. Parties are easy to throw (or just show up for), while one on one conversations with people are harder when you are trying to prepare for a big move.

That said, it sounds like the way she handled it was pretty shitty and for her to wait 3 years to contact you does seem like it’s just the pandemic bringing you to her mind (or giving her the courage to reach out when she hadn’t before). Are you okay with a friendship (friendly distant acquaintanceship?) based on infrequent casual interactions? In my experience, sometimes, those can turn into something deeper, sometimes they remain shallow. There are a lot of ways to be in relationship, as long as both parties are on the same page and okay with the dynamic.

It sounds like you need some acknowledgement from her of the impact of her behavior on you. It sounds like she isn’t able to offer that yet or at all. I don’t think you should just drop it and behave as though you are cool with her actions if you honestly aren’t. I don’t think you need to do anything more here. If you just let it go, she will probably not reach out again.

Post # 13
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee

I also agree with some of what PPs are saying. I am not a bar person myself but if a friend invited me and I was around I would usually go, and if I didn’t go then I would not consider them very close to me. Perhaps she thought that the friendship was fading away when you did not attend these events that she had for birthdays. Was the farewell get together at a bar too? Perhaps she did not invite you as she knew you would not come. I commute to university so I do not go on nights out with uni friends and generally they stopped inviting me as they probably knew I would not attend. I do not take it personally. It’s my friends birthday this week and two other friends went to her house for it but she did not invite me. We sent eachother a card as we both have June birthdays but that was it and again I do not take it too personally. If it is just one of your friends and you did not do much together when you were  in the same country then I would just accept the olive branch and see if she continues to contact you and give her a second chance. You have nothing to lose!

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