Post # 1
My fiance & I are supposed to be getting married in Sept. only 2 months away and I am having second thoughts. We have been engaged for about a year and a half, together 3 yrs. When we first met we were completely different, now we live together and he has changed a lot. We have lived together for a year. The first few months I caught him masterbating, looking at old pictures of friends that were girls and missing his old life. I understood bc we moved to a different state and such, but he swore he would never do it again and I admit after about 3 months of living together he did change for the better.
What truly bothers me is that not until after 4 months of being engaged did he stop talking to his ex gf. He claims they were just friends. I had asked him several times to stop talking to her, but he refused to. Finally when I said I would break up with him, did he stop. However, he did not delete her from his friends list on facebook saying he just didn’t delete anyone. I understand they shared a lot in common: they were in the army together, they played music etc. I am the opposite, I am very girly. I just don’t get why he wouldn’t stop talking to her.
He also had a card she gave him hanging up in his room and did not remove it until after a yr and a half of us being together. (he broke up with her 4 yrs before me met me) He also had all her old emails saved in his inbox until a yr after we were together and I finally said delete them. And again according to him he just didn’t delete anything.
We have had many fights over this and I truly love him with all my heart. Like I’v said he has changed a great deal for me. He moved to another state for me, he wants to marry me, he isn’t even speaking to his parents bc they dislike me (im jewish they aren’t). I just feel extremely insecure over this issue.
I could use some advice.
Post # 3
have you thought about couples counseling? i know it’s suggested all the time when it comes to emotional issues on weddingbee, but you guys might really find it beneficial since it seems like there are a lot of issues–moving to another state, family issues, trust issues, etc…it’s not just one thing, and maybe a counselor could help you all address the situation as a whole.
Post # 4
Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like he’s hanging on to his past and doesn’t seem to be able to move on. If these things bother you, he should be taking that into account. Saying he won’t remove an ex from his facebook because he “doesn’t delete anyone” sounds like bs to me. Bottom line, you, his Fiance, are uncomfortable with it and that should be more than enough to have him delete someone from facebook. If my Fiance had old emails from exes in his box and refused to delete them, he and I would have a serious issue and that would be unacceptable. It seems like you’ve tried to confront him numerous times about it and not much seems to be changing. It might be time to start setting some limits and sticking to them.
Post # 5
Thank you guys for the postings. The emails went away pretty quickly. It was her as a friend on fb that was annoying, he wouldn’t delete her. I’v set limits and that is why he has gotten rid of his facebook (about three months after we moved in together). I am just not happy now bc it still bothers me. Like i said he has changed & he is a completely different person. When we first moved in he said he thought about her once a month or so, meaning not often. He swears to me she was uneventful in his life. Just a 6 month relationship, his first and he had nothing to compare me to so thats what he did. Im just terrified I am making the wrong choice.
We have been to a counsler, several actually, not much has helped.
Sometimes I think its me, that I should just get over it, he loves me right, otherwise he wouldn’t be here, he wouldn’t sacrifice everything he has for me. Other times I think what guy would refuse to delete someone and keep all that crap?
Post # 6
This kind of sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. He’s given up his entire life for you: his family, friends, his home. That can create a perfect breeding ground for resentment to build, if you let it. Continuing to demand he give up more and more isn’t helping, either. Honestly, it seems to me he’s more than proven his love and devotion to you, is it really that huge of a deal for him to have an ex as a facebook friend? I keep old emails and stuff from exes too, that doesn’t make me any less devoted to my Boyfriend or Best Friend. Those are memories that i’m fond of, they don’t need to be erased permanently because I’m with someone new. Likewise, my Boyfriend or Best Friend has old cards and letters from his exes (albiet, not hanging up). I accept that we both had lives before one another and we both have fond memories from those lives. That doesn’t mean we’re going to run out and cheat.
I think it might be time to focus on him a little and try to think of new things for him to bring into his own life that he can enjoy for himself, without you being involved. Be it a class, a band (you mentioned he used to play, I’m not sure what), something. It just seems like this guy needs an outlet, stat. You can’t be his entire life, that’s just not healthy.
Best of luck.
Post # 7
Do not blame or doubt yourself here. Instead take some time to reevaluate your relationship and just why you are feeling the way you do. I understand you not wanting him to stay in contact with the ex if you caught him pleasuring himself while looking at pictures of this ex. It makes perfect sense to me that red flags are waving and sirens are blaring in your head. I mean why hold on to these things that make your fiance so uncomfortable, you aren’t just dating, you are getting married, he doesn’t need to hold on to them.
If I were you I would examine those feelings you have, and think long and hard before saying “I do.” Set aside the moving to a new town, set aside all that has went into the wedding plans, there is something way more important at risk — your happiness and security in marrying him right now.
I wish you all the best, its a tough spot to be in I’m sure but you owe it to the both of you to be certain.
Post # 8
he wasn’t pleasuring himself to her, but was to porn. he did have a picture of her up on facebook and when i asked him about he said he didn’t remember having it up. he did have 100’s of pics up there.
i just dont know if he was truly over he and its just as simple as he says he was just friends with her and simply didn’t delete anything
Post # 9
I think the important thing to remember here is that she is his ex for a reason. They obviously had something in common or they wouldn’t have ever been together in the first place. At some point they both must have agreed that they weren’t meant to be together for a lifetime, but that they still had enough in common to remain friends. Remember, if she had been the one for him, she wouldn’t be his ex. You’re the one he has chosen to spend a lifetime with. He loves you. That’s why he’s marrying you and not her.
Post # 10
Wow, I would not be ok with any of that. If he loves you as much as he says he does, he shouldn’t be acting this way, and it will only get worse with time. I would say you need some serious counseling or to move on to someone a little more faithful.
My man hasn’t cheated, looked at porn, he doesn’t even LOOK at other girls (atleast when we’re together). You deserve the best.
Post # 11
I have a question. All the stuff he hasn’t deleted because he “never deletes anything”, is that true? Did you only see stuff from her hanging around for a year, or intermingled with other e-mails? I think if he truly doesn’t delete his e-mails you are probably overreacting. If it seems like he lied, and did only keep her stuff, you’ve got a bigger problem on your hands.
Also, I don’t think it’s a huge deal to have an ex as a fb friend. (Unless he’s chatting or sending private messages.) But I will admit having a card hanging up for a while is strange. It might be different if he was in the same apartment for years and it kind of got forgotten about, stuck behind other stuff on the cork board…
Post # 12
it seems he’s done everything you’ve wanted him to, just maybe not as quickly as you wanted him to. I guess I don’t see where the problem with him is, then.
I agree with everything Lezlers said. I also think that rather than him, the problem seems to be more your feelings of insecurity. Maybe counseling (with or without him) will help you get to the bottom of why that is. Only then can you really change things. Otherwise you ultimately risk pushing him away by becoming more controlling over things that are only the symptom, not the disease. It sounds like he’s done a lot so far.
Post # 13
Sorry, I should of been more clear. He was at my house when we were dating a year or so into the relationship and he was checking his email. I saw a folder with the ex’s name on it. I asked him what it was and he said all her old emails. I said that it was odd and he should have a folder for my emails. He deleted all the old emails and put a folder up for me.
The card was on his dresser for 5 yrs. when I went into his room I asked him who it was from & he said her. When I was comfortable enough with him I asked him to throw it out. He did after almost 2 yrs of being together. I know he procrastionates and is lazy, but that pissed me off. Funny thing is when we moved to FL anything card I gave him happened to disappear. Which I understand can happen, but its very depressing.
I love him with all my heart, I just want to make sure that what I am doing is right. Since we have been here, after the first 3 or so months things had its ups and downs. He doesn’t bring her up, unless I do. I understand I am completly insecure with it, but I feel I have a right to be. It’s almost like I was a way for him to get over her. Maybe I should just leave it all in the past and except that he is with me? Maybe like he says he just compaired me to her bc he never had anyone else and I was a way to get over her (Im saying)?
Post # 14
I’m sorry but I think it was wrong to insist he throw away the card. You could ask him to put that stuff away somewhere, but demanding he throw away memories isn’t fair. It’s also very controlling behavior from you. He deleted all the emails as soon as you mentioned something, I’m still not getting what he’s doing wrong here. There’s also nothing wrong with looking at porn, I really don’t understand why some women get so weird about it. They’re men. They like porn. Welcome to reality. Hell, I like porn. Doesn’t mean I’m unfaithful (that was more to the poster who mentioned it, I’m not sure if you have a problem with it or not. If you do, I think that’s more of an insecurity you need to work on yourself.)
If you check out the other threads I post to you’ll see that I’m the first to be posting when I think someone’s man is legitimately acting sketchy. I honestly don’t see anything wrong with your guys actions though.
Post # 15
I totally get why you’re upset, but I think you might be overreacting based on reading your post and all the comments. Like, some of my BEST friends happen to be ex boyfriends, but they’re an ex for a reason.
I’m not saying you should ignore your gut feelings, just try to put yourself in his shoes 🙂
Post # 16
@lezlers: just wanted to second everything you said. I don’t see anything wrong with his behavior. We all have past lives and past good memories. Why should we throw all that out if it’s not interfering with our present. I have pictures, notes and other memories from ex boyfriends in a box in our house and i’m friends with some of them on facebook and catch up occasionally. SO has never had an issue with it because we know we are committed to each other in the present.