(Closed) Ex Girlfriend Issue popping up. Advice Please. Please Read

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
9674 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I understand why you feel the way you do and I would probably feel the same way.  But I think he told her to be nice and kind and not have her finding out second-hand and getting upset.  It was a nice, although slightly misguided, intention on his part to spare her feelings.

I personally would not want my Fiance staying friends with exes who want to get back together with him.  But since you were ok with their friendship I think you should just let this go.

I’m sure he didn’t mean to hurt you and he probably thought you would never find out.  Make it clear to him that from now on you expect clear communication so you don’t have to go through that kind of embarrassment again.  And have him cut ties with her now, he can find other friends who aren’t in love with him.

Post # 5
Member
2831 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I would not be too worried about it but I would ask that he cut ties with her. Let him know you found out he went to her first and you don’t feel comfortable with it. You don’t want any issues in the future with her so I would really cut ties.

Post # 7
Member
9674 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@caseybop1:  I understand that part of your being upset, I really do!  He should have told you but maybe he just didn’t think to ahead of time and then forgot.  Try to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Edit:  Just saw your last post.  You could be right!  If I were you I would talk to him about this.  I hope he will agree that their friendship needs to be put to rest now.  I’m sure he’s trying to be nice but it’s not doing any of you any good to coddle her if she still wants him back.  He’s going to have to be straight with her and tell her to move on.

Post # 8
Member
990 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

My Hs sweetheart and I are good friends. He is a bridesmaid in my wedding! but We have a rare relationship that we can Bs with each other and be close. Nothing sexual at all just friends who keep each other in check. He proposed to his EX and bfore he did he called me for advice and a blessing. He asked me what I though of his plan to propose and told me how he wanted to do it. It was very romantic and i think I might have been hurt if he hadn’t called (not about the blessing but bc we r so close and confide everything with each other I would want him to confide in me here) I understand where you are coming from but I think you might be slightly overreacting.

Post # 9
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I agree that him not telling you about talking to his ex-girlfriend before proposing is indeed worrisome. I would tell him how you feel about this and that you don’t want to be worried about such communications in the future.

Post # 12
Member
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

i can totally understand how you feel.  i respect that he doesn’t want any ill feelings with his ex but if she is not over him, that could be unhealthy.  she could take his kindness for more than it is (some girls are like that).

i would calmly mention to him that you did find out about his chat with his ex and that you were a bit hurt to find out that he lied to you but you were also a bit humiliated when your friend told you.  i wouldn’t get too much into it but he should be aware of your feelings.

what i don’t understand is, why would he seriously care about his ex’s feelings if he proposed to you?  he wanted to tell her first so she didn’t hear from someone else…who cares?  he shouldn’t that’s for sure.  he needs to tell his ex to move on with her life.

Post # 13
Member
9674 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@caseybop1:   That sounds like a great way to bring it up to him.  He sounds like such a good guy and doesn’t want to hurt anyone.  I’m sure nothing like this will ever happen again if you ask him to be more open with you.

Post # 14
Member
4663 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I think you are handling this really well. Kudos to you for being so levelheaded.

Post # 15
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

From everything you’ve said I think that he was protecting you by telling her. If word got back to her that he proposed to you and she didn’t know he may have had her emotional fallout to deal with. By him breaking it to her gently he is ensuring that everything to move forward with YOU would be good. What couple needs an unstable loathing ex clouding their engagement? If the ex suddenly stopped calling and showing up it sounds like your fiance would be fine with it. It does not sound like he is the one perpetuating the relationship. 

What is your relationship with her? Maybe a one on one of your own could help you understand the dynamic? Maybe that’s way off base but then again this whole situation is a little off base. If I know one thing about personal relationships it’s that if YOU spiral then you will just look like the jackass in the situation, and the real person who is off base and unnecessarily in the limelight is her. Your future husband should not have to mend her broken heart but you can’t let how you feel get in the way of your elation! This was probably a huge lose/lose situation for your fiance and though I’m a huge proponent of the truth he probably “lied” to you because he knows damned well that having to gently explain that he wants YOU for his wife and not her was a necessary evil and he knew that telling you that he shared his news with her would hurt. Hurts all the same but I think that he went into it with honest intentions – not to hurt you. 

Seriously. Keep your friends close; your enemies closer. Time for a happy hour with the ex…LOL

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