Post # 1
As the title explains, my ex just got married (on Sunday) to the girl he left me for. It’s been two and a half years since he called me up and told me he was going on a date with someone else. A couple of months after they got together, they moved in together, and after 8 month of dating they were engaged. When I first found out they were engaged, I was pretty sad, but also worried for him because they were moving so fast. Now that they are actually married I feel kind of… Panicky?
I don’t have feelings for him anymore (clearly, since I’m “waiting” on my bf), so I think my panicky feeling is coming from not feeling good enough; he left me and then almost immediately got enagaged to this other girl, because she is “perfect”. I feel like if I wasn’t good enough for him to even break up with me in person, and I’m not good enough for marriage, will anyone think I am good enough? (this from the guy that said he would never get married and if he did he would be 40… He is 22 and just tied the knot).
A lot of this is probably from the fact that there was no closure, and this breakup was truly out of the blue. The feeling of having that rug pulled out from under me still haunts me a little, so I guess I am panicked that the current bf might do something similar. When I actually stop and think about it, he would never do that, but that’s what I thought about my ex, too.
I’m not really sure what I need from you guys… Commiseration, perhaps? Reassurance? I just want to get rid of this panicky feeling.
Post # 3
I think that it is understandable that you are feeling like that and it doesn’t have anything to do with jealously. Do you think your SO would be open to sitting down and discussing how you feel – that you were blindsided in your previous relationship and whilst you trust and love him a little reassurance wouldn’t go astray either…
Good luck and ((hugs)) i’m sure this feeling will pass and it has just come up because of your ex only got married on the weekend and all those feelings were brought up again.
Post # 4
I think that when you find the person you know. For him this was probably the case. We all have ex’s and we have them for a reason; They weren’t the one for us.
There is someone out there for you, perhaps your current bf. You can’t punish him for someone else did to you. We never know what will happen of what someone else could do to us, but that’s one of the best parts of love, giving all of yourself to someone and hoping that they won’t break you. Don’t doubt him, live in the love you have now and see where it takes you.
Post # 5
@Novella: thank you for your understanding! i thought for sure someone would say that it’s jelousy/latent feelings, so I’m glad you get it. That is a really good idea to talk to my bf about needing a little reassurance from time to time. He’s not a very expressive person about his feelings, so it definitely makes sense for me to talk to him about this.
Post # 6
- Wedding: April 2012 - St. Philip Catholic Church/Arcadia Brewing Co.
I understand this feeling totally! I was the one who broke it off with my ex, and hadn’t even met my Fiance when I heard he was married. I had no feeling left for him but the fact that he was married! and So soon… And what was I doing!? all of those thoughts swirled around for awhile but I managed to push them down and just go about my life. And what do you know? It’s worked out!
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I think talking to your SO is a great idea. Best of luck to you!
Post # 7
Can I get new-agey here? I truly believe things in life happen with a purpose. It has nothing to do with your worth or your judgement. You weren’t in harmony with him, although at the time you weren’t aware of it, and you are feeling more of that disharmony now, as you give away more of yourself to him. Stop reliving who you were back then b/c the experience you had has changed you and helped you become the woman you are now… a woman who is more aware of herself and able to be in harmony with the right man. What this other guy did is not a reflection of you~ don’t let his choices define you. Honor your experience, but don’t let it keep you living in fear…
“There comes a time when the pain of continuing exceeds the pain of stopping. At that moment, a threshold is crossed. What seemed unthinkable becomes thinkable. Slowly, the realization emerges that the choice to continue what you have been doing is the choice to live in discomfort, and the choice to stop what you have been doing is the choice to breathe deeply and freely again. Once that realization has emerged,you can either honor it or ignore it, but you cannot forget it. What has become known can not become unknown again.”
~ Gary Zukav ~
Post # 8
The exact same thing happened to me, but now I have realized what a crazy asshole he is and that the girl he left me for is bananas and bitchy (kaaaaaaarmaaaaa). I never really received closure from this realtionship either, but…oh well. Now, I’m married to an amzing, stable, supportive guy.
Things will get better! Promise!
Post # 9
I understand too. not too get all foo foo on you but what I would do is write your ex a letter spilling EVERYTHING out. how you got sacked in the stomach how it all felt and how you just wanted to let him know and that you don’t need to hold on to those feelings anymore and you just wanted to officially close it off. then burn the letter and let the feelings go. I used to get that panicky feeling too and I spent a long time reminding myself, that it happend once and that it would never happen again. that I would never let it happen again. it took me a long time but EVENTUALLY it subsides. There are times now ten years later that I will over react to something and realize its a carry over from a past relationship. Though now the realization is enough for me to drop the feeling.
Post # 10
thank you ladies for your outpouring of support! i’m so glad to know i’m not the onlt one who has felt this. i love all the ideas on how to let this toxicity go and move on with a new hope for my future.
this is why i love weddingbee! virtual hugs for all of you.
Post # 11
@purpleginger: You are not alone, 2 of my exes are now engaged to the girls they ended up with directly after me. (Thankfully neither of them cheated on me with them, but they both felt that the relationship was lacking… and I felt like it was me) It’s a good thing tho… if I had stayed with either of them I wouldn’t be with SO right now, and I can’t imagine my life without him. So just think of the positive, EX left because the relationship wasn’t right, which freed both of you up to meet the right person 🙂
Post # 12
It’s understandable, especially in a situation like that. Even if you are over the person, part of you still wants to know why you weren’t that person for them.
Post # 13
This happened to me. I dated a guy on and off for 4 years. Everytime we broke up he would tell me he was not ready for major commitment and that when he was I would be the one. The last time we got back togehter it was short lived a few moths but he went back to school and a month into that he tol me he had met someone and wanted to move on from our on and off roller coster. Even though he had met someone one else I always assumed he would come back. Fast forward 6 moths later and I saw on his FB that he had posted engagment photos. I was crushed. i moved forward met my now Fiance but about a year after that I saw once again on FB that he had gotten married. I had this awful feeling like how come he didnt even want to commit to me??? What was wrong with me?? What did she have that I didnt?? It took me a while to see that the relationship was just wrong for the both of us! I met someone that is perfect for me and treats me like gold. i have never been happier but I still get that twinge of jealousy if someone mentions him etc. It is natural.
Post # 14
I feel the same way! My poor SO is paying the price for what my last 3 exes did. All exes were decent, but all refused to discuss marriage after 2+ years. It sucks. I am terrified that my current SO will follow the same path, which is why I consider myself “waiting” after only 5 months with him. I realized I am expecting things to unroll too soon. It’s like I need to know everything about his intentions to “make sure” I don’t get the shaft again.
What I won’t let myself understand is that my last 3 exes were commitment-phobes and confirmed bachelors. NONE of them have had a Girlfriend since me. One has been single for 7 years! My son’s dad has never dated again and my most recent ex says he will never get married or have kids. None of them were in a LTR before me either. THAT should say something.
My SO is nothing like any of my exes… in the very least. A lot of times we tell ourselves things that have no logic. Try to let go of the negative voice. It will wreck your self-image and cause you to act nutty in your current relationship (it has for me already). I found some great tools online to help me remove my beliefs and replace them with new ones.
Post # 15
I understand. It’s like you’re wondering why they knew that person was the one for them and you weren’t. I think about this sometimes too.
Post # 16
@purpleginger: I totally feel your pain, I had an ex that married the next girl that came along as well. I jokingly nicknamed “the vulture” since she was circling the carcass of our relationship as it was taking its dying breaths. Obviously it was for the best since you’ve moved on, and I can honestly say looking back I can’t even imagine marrying him myself.