Post # 1
So we will be moving to the US from Canada. My ex is a high school teacher. We have a beautiful bright 5 year old girl. He hasnt seen her it’ll be 2 years this Christmas..So no interest whatsoever but he pays his required support 650 a month..
So I obviously need his permission to move with her. Which he is willing to give if J will adopt her or he is released from financial responsibilty. He agreed to “give” me a grace period of 6 months to get settled get a job etc. I asked for a year. Hed be saving 85.800 if you figure payments for 11 more years..and he wants to fight over 6 mon..
Obviously I need to go to court pretty clear he has only interest in himself but I dont have the 10K needed to retain a lawyer etc. (esp paying immigration fees) but more then anything we want to move together asap and get married and X knows he can tie us up in court for a long long time…
Fiance makes ok money, ill make ok money. I just hate X so much..I feel bad for Fiance having to foot most of the bill for our daughter. It will prob impact whether we choose to have a child of our own.
So do i sign whatever he comes up with and then 6 months after we move do i start legal proceedings. I honestly feel like im doing this under duress..is that what its called? I feel blackmailed..I want to move forward , my Dirty Delete loves my Fiance so much hes the only dad shes ever known..I know child support orders are always changeable..
Im just a total mess.
Post # 3
I’m really sorry this is happening to you. I would definitely get an attorney involved, see if the court can appoint you one, or at the very least locate a family advocate for you and your daughter. You may be able to locate one through the child support enforcement agency you deal with. A decent man would do the right thing for his child. Would he maybe agree to reduced payments in return for giving consent for you to leave the country?
Post # 4
ugh, what a terrible situation.
Honestly, if you don’t need the the money and can get by without it I think I’d take the route to get ex out of my life ASAP and never have to deal with him again even if it does mean loosing out on cash.
Does your Fiance want to adopt your daughter? That’d be the best I think. I mean if he’s gonna marry you and live with you two it’s gonna be his daughter in a way anyway, so you shouldn’t feel too bad about it, that comes with the responsibility of marrying someone who has a child. I hope he treats you and your daughter very well.
Post # 5
I know this isn’t easy to hear, but I would take the six months that he’s offering and never look back. I know it’s easy to let money (and 6 mos x $650 is a considerable amount!) cloud your judgment, but think of it this way: after this you’ll be free of him!
It’s obvious that you’re moving on with your life, you’ve met someone new who loves both you and your daughter, and you’re getting married! Focus on the good ahead, and leave the bad in the past. It’s not worth the energy or the money that it would take to fight him over the extra 6 mos.
The furthest I would go, if I were in your shoes, would be to threaten to take him to court, see if he’ll compromise at 9 mos, and if not, let it go.
From another angle: whether his motives are good or not, consider how much else he could have done to make this hard on you – refused to let your Fiance adopt her, refused to let you move out of the country, not offered any “grace period”, taken YOU to court and forced your hand into paying the lawyer bills, etc. Overall, it seems to me like there’s a lot of positive you can focus on, even if the extra 6 mos is frustrating.
Post # 6
THe 6 month “grace” period was my thinking not his. Who knows how long it will take US immigration to give me the ok to work..THe 650 a month was more of a cushion for us till i get on my feet and her. Maybe a school fund you know..
Its just frusturating bc I know no judge would stop us from moving..I mean what can he say he hasnt seen her in 2 years and all the emails saying have her just let me off the hook financially..obviously he could careless…hes selfish always been. (ha reminds me of the time of her 3rd bday where the cake was too expensive and he suggested guests should bring their own desserts..swear to god…lol)
It would be totally different if it was alimony or something or if he was struggling. Its really not my money its my daughters and if someday she wants to go to cheer camp or something..who am i ripping off in the long run…
Post # 7
@JoshsTammy: It will prob impact whether we choose to have a child of our own.
If this man is marrying you, you AND your daughter become his family. She will be BOTH of yours… and if he doesn’t feel that way I’d say thats a red flag.
Regarding your ex, I would NOT plan to sign whatever and then take him to court in 6 months. It probably wouldn’t work and its also just plain dishonest. That’s not an example to set for your daughter.
Sounds to me like the best option is to take him up on his offer and have your Fiance adopt her. You’re starting a new life with him, moving to a new country, she has no relationship with her dad anyways… why not just start fresh with a family of your own creating? Why force yourself to continue to have your ex be a part of the process?
Post # 8
What if you put the $10K you would spend on a lawyer and drop it in her bank account instead? That would be more than the $3900 you would get from him in the extra 6 months 🙂
I know it’s a tough (and very emotionally heavy) decision to make, but unless you’re planning to sue him for lawyer/court fees, or if you have a lawyer who will help you pro bono, the math seems to point to it not being worth the fight.
Post # 9
@JoshsTammy: You have them in writing! Go to court. (what a pos, dumping that poor little girl like that)
Post # 10
@Atalanta: < — exactly what I was thinking/going to ask.
I kinda look at it as this: it’s a small price for you to pay to never have to worry about dealing with this BS and you will truly be able to leave that part in the past and move forward in your new life.
If you can afford it.
Post # 11
Fight for what’s fair! This is not right and you and he know it. Like I said, see if a compromise can be worked out, maybe reduced payments or have him set up a college fund, but him just walking away scott free because you moved on is bullshit.
Post # 12
@KatyElle: Thanks so much KatyElle 🙂
Post # 13
I see you deleted your post so I will delete my response in turn
Post # 14
Sorry if I was snippy. Everyone wants whats best for their child. Obvioulsy 650 a month for the next 11 years can make a huge difference in making her life as a child and her future by paying for a huge chunk of her college..
I dont want this coming back in my marriage later to bite me in the [email protected]@ you know. I see how the US economy is and what if Fiance loses his job or I cant find work…Its very scary…thats all
I feel very blessed Fiance is so good with her and has basically helped out emotionally raising her..Its a lot to ask of anyone…I just wnat whats best for everyone…
Post # 15
I don’t think any of us ever thought you wanted anything but the best for your daughter! I can only speak for myself, but I just know that if I were in your shoes, it would be really easy to let myself try to get the extra money, and lose sight of the fact that I’m actually spending more than it’s worth in lawyer fees. Ultimately the child support goes to support her, but so does your income, you know?
If you choose to take him to court, maybe you could consider where the “break even” point would be for the finances (i.e. how much child support would cover the cost of the lawyer + benefit your daughter) and ask for that many months payment, not just 12.
Or he’s the selfish type who doesn’t want his payments to “benefit” you, maybe you could make arrangements for your ex to set up a college fund or something for your daughter, something she/you won’t have access to until she’s 18. Do you think he’d go for something like that?
Post # 16
I don’t know what the laws are in Canada, but many states here would not let him out of child support, regardless of whether he sees the kid or not. Can you at least consult with a lawyer? Often they will give you a consult for free.