(Closed) ex has me where he wants me..child support..long sorry

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I’m really sorry this is happening to you. I would definitely get an attorney involved, see if the court can appoint you one, or at the very least locate a family advocate for you and your daughter. You may be able to locate one through the child support enforcement agency you deal with. A decent man would do the right thing for his child. Would he maybe agree to reduced payments in return for giving consent for you to leave the country?

Post # 4
Member
4771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

ugh, what a terrible situation.

Honestly, if you don’t need the the money and can get by without it I think I’d take the route to get ex out of my life ASAP and never have to deal with him again even if it does mean loosing out on cash.

Does your Fiance want to adopt your daughter?  That’d be the best I think. I mean if he’s gonna marry you and live with you two it’s gonna be his daughter in a way anyway, so you shouldn’t feel too bad about it, that comes with the responsibility of marrying someone who has a child.  I hope he treats you and your daughter very well.

good luck.

Post # 5
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I know this isn’t easy to hear, but I would take the six months that he’s offering and never look back. I know it’s easy to let money (and 6 mos x $650 is a considerable amount!) cloud your judgment, but think of it this way: after this you’ll be free of him!

It’s obvious that you’re moving on with your life, you’ve met someone new who loves both you and your daughter, and you’re getting married! Focus on the good ahead, and leave the bad in the past. It’s not worth the energy or the money that it would take to fight him over the extra 6 mos.

The furthest I would go, if I were in your shoes, would be to threaten to take him to court, see if he’ll compromise at 9 mos, and if not, let it go.

From another angle: whether his motives are good or not, consider how much else he could have done to make this hard on you – refused to let your Fiance adopt her, refused to let you move out of the country, not offered any “grace period”, taken YOU to court and forced your hand into paying the lawyer bills, etc. Overall, it seems to me like there’s a lot of positive you can focus on, even if the extra 6 mos is frustrating.

Post # 7
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

@JoshsTammy: It will prob impact whether we choose to have a child of our own.

If this man is marrying you, you AND your daughter become his family. She will be BOTH of yours… and if he doesn’t feel that way I’d say thats a red flag. 

Regarding your ex, I would NOT plan to sign whatever and then take him to court in 6 months. It probably wouldn’t work and its also just plain dishonest. That’s not an example to set for your daughter. 

Sounds to me like the best option is to take him up on his offer and have your Fiance adopt her. You’re starting a new life with him, moving to a new country, she has no relationship with her dad anyways… why not just start fresh with a family of your own creating? Why force yourself to continue to have your ex be a part of the process?

Post # 8
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

What if you put the $10K you would spend on a lawyer and drop it in her bank account instead? That would be more than the $3900 you would get from him in the extra 6 months 🙂

I know it’s a tough (and very emotionally heavy) decision to make, but unless you’re planning to sue him for lawyer/court fees, or if you have a lawyer who will help you pro bono, the math seems to point to it not being worth the fight.

Post # 9
Member
14496 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@JoshsTammy: You have them in writing! Go to court.  (what a pos, dumping that poor little girl like that)

Post # 10
Member
3142 posts
Sugar bee

@Atalanta:  < — exactly what I was thinking/going to ask.

I kinda look at it as this: it’s a small price for you to pay to never have to worry about dealing with this BS and you will truly be able to leave that part in the past and move forward in your new life.

If you can afford it.

Post # 11
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Fight for what’s fair! This is not right and you and he know it. Like I said, see if a compromise can be worked out, maybe reduced payments or have him set up a college fund, but him just walking away scott free because you moved on is bullshit.

Post # 13
Member
3142 posts
Sugar bee

@JoshsTammy:

I see you deleted your post so I will delete my response in turn

Post # 15
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I don’t think any of us ever thought you wanted anything but the best for your daughter! I can only speak for myself, but I just know that if I were in your shoes, it would be really easy to let myself try to get the extra money, and lose sight of the fact that I’m actually spending more than it’s worth in lawyer fees. Ultimately the child support goes to support her, but so does your income, you know?

If you choose to take him to court, maybe you could consider where the “break even” point would be for the finances (i.e. how much child support would cover the cost of the lawyer + benefit your daughter) and ask for that many months payment, not just 12.

Or he’s the selfish type who doesn’t want his payments to “benefit” you, maybe you could make arrangements for your ex to set up a college fund or something for your daughter, something she/you won’t have access to until she’s 18. Do you think he’d go for something like that?

Post # 16
Member
994 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I don’t know what the laws are in Canada, but many states here would not let him out of child support, regardless of whether he sees the kid or not. Can you at least consult with a lawyer? Often they will give you a consult for free.

 

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