Post # 31
I will second The Gift of Fear.
The decision to get a restraining order should be a case by case thing, you’re right. They don’t stop bullets. This is another time that I would consult a DV expert. DV Hotline contact info below.
TROs are effective with people who are generally law abiding. You know, the kind who don’t need them. They are SOP in some jurisdictions in divorce cases, whether there have been problems or not.
You are correct. A lot of men are enraged by them. Many women are killed with TROs in their purses.
Home – The Hotline®
Post # 32
One of the letters said that we are still married no matter what.
This is super scary. I would go talk to a DV group before talking to the police. They will advise you on the best way to proceed and will know how and when to get the police’s attention in your jurisdiction. Unfortunately, the police will usually dismiss stalking fears.
You also need to lock down your online life and take precautionary measures for your physical safety now. You should change all your passwords (every single account…you would be surprised what can be Daisy chained) to complicated single use ones (use Lastpass to generate and keep track of them). You should have two step verification on all accounts that offer it. And you need to read up on situational awareness and how to mitigate the risk of being a victim. Your ex is going to get a lot crazier when he realizes he is cut off from his perceived access to you.
Post # 33
p.s. I would also delete all social media and even change my phone number. And if you have the same phone as when you were living together, I would wipe it and reinstall all apps from scratch. He may have installed a keyboard logger or other tracking software. Same with your computer.
Post # 34
zl27 : 100% this.
Yes, definitely change your email address along w/ your cell number if need be. Bc your ex husband will go ape shit when he realizes he no longer has any access to you.
Do anything you have to do in order to get him to back off & leave you alone even if you have to go to the DV before you go to the police!
Post # 35
Bee, honey, you need to take care of this now without hesitation. You seem like a nice person but stalkers take advantage of this, to them ‘nice’ is a weakness that gives them their foot in the door. He’s COUNTING on you being too nice or feeling too sorry for him to take action. You can’t rationalize or reason with someone who is irrational and unpredictable so you have to be pro-active in protecting yourself.
IA with other Bees advice- and the recommendation to read The Gift of Fear. Contact your nearest DV centre, they’ll give you experienced advice and they’ll know the stalker laws for your area (hopefully in your favour- I know in my area that video alone would get you your restraining order). Contact the police, document everything. Keep your family apprised of the steps you’ve taken so they’ll know just how serious this is and won’t be tempted to feel sorry for him if he tries getting to you through them again.
And Bee, you say you’ve never known him to have stalker like tendencies before- but if you were with him for 13 years and then his ex for another 3, you wouldn’t really know how he handles other breakups. You may think his actions are more pathetic than dangerous but this could change in a heartbeat. If you do feel sorry for him, look at it this way- holding him accountable for his actions could force him into getting the professional help he so clearly needs.
Post # 36
It honestly sounds like he may eventually harm or kill you at this rate. You should contact police about this ASAP if you haven’t already.
I’d also be worried about my computer after inserting the flash drive. It’s possible to infect a drive with malware or spyware, so he may even be watching your computer activities from somewhere.
So sorry this is happening to you. It’s terrifying and you should see about getting orders of protection for your entire family because they may not be safe either.
Post # 37
Thank you all for your advice. I’m also thinking about moving away from this area pretty soon, in addition to taking neccessary steps to ensure my safety.
I ran my malware/spyware software after I installed the drive. He’s not too tech savvy but probably knows someone who is. Thanks for that advice as well.
My email was very straightforward i.e., “Do not contact me. Stop sending things to my parents’ residence” etc. I did do it so that I had a record of me clearly stating my wish for him to leave me alone. He responded and said he will stop and didn’t realize it was making me uncomfortable… . He also rambled on about why is he being treated as the bad guy, but will back off for the sake of our “marriage”. He sounds stuck in 2016, it’s truly scary. He was a big believer in going to therapy or counseling but it’s shocking how he still hasn’t done so…
I just blocked him and don’t plan on responding. I’ll forward it to my bro or dad just in case.
My parents are taking this very seriously and mentioned getting legal involved if need be.
Post # 38
- Wedding: September 2019 - City, State
The first 3 years after my divorce, my ex was contacting me and showing up constantly. Our kids are adults in their mid 20s, so there was no reason for this. I divorced him because he decided to have a long term affair with a co worker, I hired a PI, brought the evidence to him and asked him to leave. He moved in with her for a month, I guess discovered that the grass wasn’t greener and wanted what he had. He was extremely stalkerish for the first 2 years, and then as I refused to communicate with him. It became better. Now he rarely if ever bothers me at all.
I don’t know if this would work in every situation, but cutting off all communication and blocking him may work eventually.
If you start to get scared, definitely go to the police, and document the issues. Carry pepper spray too. Couldn’t hurt.
Post # 39
LadyLuna711 : “He was a big believer in going to therapy or counseling but it’s shocking how he still hasn’t done so”
Or he was just saying whatever could win you back, so he was open to therapy, counselling, whatever it took. Not to work on himself, not to work on your relationship, just promising whatever he thought he could use to manipulate you into taking him back.
And he’s not in therapy now because he’s sick enough not to see himself as sick. He sees YOU as the problem- as in all you need to do is to come to your senses and take him back. In his own mind, he’s not only fine, he’s the victim in all this.
I’m sorry Bee. Please do whatever you can to stay safe.
Post # 40
crustyoldbee : Sorry I worded this pretty oddly. I meant throughout our relationship he was big on going to couple’s counseling (before we even got married). He was the one who brought it up when we had issues. And he used to go for himself when he was younger. So someone who was big on counseling wouldn’t do it for himself. You’re right in that he thinks I’m the problem.
Becca3 : Thanks for sharing your story. That’s what I’m hoping. I’ll get some pepper spray soon too.
Post # 41
somedaymrsj : I meant to reply to this earlier. Wow. Just wow. I’m sorry you had to go through all of that! Your story was truly an eye-opener for me. Thanks for sharing!
Post # 42
LadyLuna711 : Bee do whatever you feel necessary to keep yourself safe.
Yes please get the police involved if you ever feel scared document all of the issues & contact the police like another previous poster mentioned definitely carry pepper spray if need be!