Post # 1
This is unfolding like a Jerry Springer episode. Seriously, I shouldn’t have to be thinking about this right now! To those of you that followed the story – it’s taken a turn for the worse and getting more and more complicated by the minute!
Recap: I get an email from someone to call the ex’s Mom. I knew it must have been important and called right away (she doesn’t have my number). When I called her, she started balling as soon as she realized it was me: saying how thankful she is that my Mom accepted her even after all her son has done. I hadn’t spoken to my Mom and had no idea what she was talking about, but she and I were close once and after hearing her crying, of course I was genuinely concerned for her. She tells me she called my Mom and asked if she can live there! My Mom has 2 spare rooms that she sometimes rents out to senior citizens to accompany my grandparents (that also live with her). I agreed that we’re fine with it and tried to imagine that she was just someone in need, and if it wasn’t for the fact that she was the ex’s Mom, it’ll all be good. Plus, my Mom likes the fact that someone can be home sometimes with my grandparents. FYI: my grandparents are healthy and active, with the exception of my grandpa that’s a little senile and hard of hearing. Back then my only concern was what I should tell my future-in-laws.
Note: I know a lot of you had said to think of her as my friend instead of my ex’s Mom because that’s what she is, and she herself hasn’t talked to her son in close to 10-years. But her and I also haven’t been close and I’ve been trying to distance myself even before th Fi and I had gotten together BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID ANY POSSIBLE COMPLICATIONS. She also is and was in no way friends with my own Mom because they hardly know each other.
She told me she’s planning to move in mid April.
Then: Then all the sudden, in the midst about telling my Mom about our new home we just bought(!) she tells me the ex’s Mom called to let her know her flight is to arrive on Wed night — as in 2 days ago! I have no idea why the date is now pushed so soon but I decided I didn’t want to let this overshadow the fact that we just bought our first house!
Note: I called the ex’s Mom (let’s call her K) on Tuesday, to wish her a safe trip and to tell her that we decided to finalize a few days early Tues instead of Thursday. She cried, I thought it was tears of joy. She had known we were set to finalize on Thurs and I find it odd that she suddenly plans her departure the day before. But it might just be a coincidence.
Post # 3
She’s now moved in! I’m gonna summarize this: 1) she keeps mentioning her son?!!!!! 2) she keeps changing the subject whenever I mention anything wedding/honeymoon/house or anything Fi related!!! 3) I found out she hasn’t applied for retirement yet, she just got the letter saying she can apply, but she won’t qaulify for retirement because she is out-of-status ???!!!
MEANING: She straight-up left her job to move into my Mom’s house not even knowing if she’ll have any income?!! My Mom that she’s only talked to 3 or 4 times in the last 10-yrs and only met once!
And my poor Mom now has been sucked into this mess! When I talk to K she seemed really thankful and keeps mentioning how everyone is so nice to her and how grateful she is -ALL GOOD- but she also keeps mentioning her son! Not in a good way just saying his name out of nowhere or referencing our past. She even told me my Mom offered to help her get a cellphone under her plan?!!! WTF, I called my Mom right away and told her NOT to do that.
So many things that just happened ALL-THE-SUDDEN and it’s fishy!!! I mean who ups and leaves without having any plan what-so-ever? She claims she’s now reunited with her daughter but yet she hasn’t told her daughter exactly where she is right now! She also has 2 very good friends also in California and yet she couldn’t ask them to stay there?!
I don’t want to sit here worrying about this on the first weekend after we bought our home, but I couldn’t sleep last night after knowing the news! It’s like my Mom inherited a new kid. And I haven’t even gone into the fact she’s out-of-status because that means her only hope would be if her daughter were to petition her to get it fixed — and it apparently takes years (yet another thing I looked-up last night)!
Now I feel mislead and that she tricked my Mom into staying with her. Am I supposed to just step back and let my Mom deal with this alone? I have no idea what to do because my Mom is too nice to ever throw her out on the street but it really looks like K won’t have an income and my Mom can’t support her nor should she!
This is the weirdest and worst-case of the past biting back if I ever heard of one! I appreciate any kind of advice you may have. I’m sorry if this is so long!
Post # 4
I’d calmly let your mom know what you found out so that she can make her own decision. It’s possible that your “friend” has enough in savings to cover herself for awhile. Maybe she just wants to be around some connection to her past since her own son won’t talk to her.
Post # 5
I must have called my Mom 6 times last night and she’s overloaded with info. She was also at work too (because of time difference). K does not have savings. When she told me about her plans to move in April, it was because she was waiting for her tax returns. She lived in an expensive high rise in Waikiki and it took up all her income.
I’m trying to stay calm and focused and concentrate on the fact that someone just needed help — that’s all. I’ve decided to not panic (lol) and let her work it out herself at least for the first week. But K definitely needs to talk to her daughter and work out the mess. Her daughter is the only person that can help her, (literally speaking, she’s the only one that can petition her Mom to fix her status).
I don’t know what she has planned or if she planned this all along, but I feel mislead. It seems like no one has gotten the whole story from her. Not us, not her daughter, or her friends because she told me they don’t know exactly where she is.
If she’s been hoping to reunite with her son, her chances are not slim to none. By The Way, her son ex-communicated with her even before we divorced, so I have nothing to do with it what-so-ever!
Post # 6
I hate this. I hate the feeling in my chest because of this. I don’t like having to try to meditate about doing the right thing while battling with being taken advantage of. This sucks!
Post # 7
Yikes, I’m sorry. What a tricky situation. It sounds like both you and your mom are very helpful and compassionate people, and are doing a really generous thing for someone who’s in need. But I can completely understand why you’re worried, considering the circumstances. Do you know her daughter at all? Since she’s the only one who can really do anything about it, could you call her and fill her in on everything’s that’s happened? If K’s not the best communicator, her daughter might not realize that she could really use some help. It’s possible that if she understood what was going on she might immediately invite her mom to come live with her. Either way, I’m guessing that K’s probably really grateful for you kindness, even if she’s being pretty clueless about bringing up your ex all the time! If you don’t know her daughter, maybe you can gently remind K about her daughter and her 2 friends in California and suggest that she contact them. I wonder if she didn’t mention this to other people because she felt embarrassed, but knew that it was safe to tell you because she knew that you’d be kind enough to help. Good luck!
Post # 8
I am super confused as to why all of this is happening because I haven’t followed all the drama very closely, but I hope this works out! It sounds like a monstrous headache.
Post # 9
Weird weird weird!! This lady is very fishy. I would definetly tell your mom all the things you found out and help your mother come up with a solution for this lady. Whats her medical background????? If shes not stable then what would you guys do if something happened with her? I bet she doesnt even have insurence since she just up and left her job. Im sure she lost all benifits. I would almost get in touch with your ex and tell him whats going on. Even if he doesnt talk to her it is still HIS mother. But I understand if you really dont want to do that. If anything you need to call her daughter and tell her exactly where shes at. Someone needs to take control of the situation because it sounds like this lady isnt stable. And I have a feeling K might take your mom for all shes got. Especially if K is mad about you getting re-married she will probably take out her bitterness on the closest person. Every action has a reason behind it. And she has hers…shes just not telling you guys about it. So its your job to find out now. I wish you the best of luck!!!!!!!!
Post # 10
I just spoke to my Mom for almost an hour and she said she laid it all out to K last night. My Mom even told her that she shouldn’t mention the ex’s name to me. THANK YOU MOM! My Mom noticed things are fishy and let her concerns be known.
We’re urging K to meet with her daughter in northern California ASAP. The ealier they start the process with fixing her legal status, the better. As for me contacting her daughter myself, I don’t want to do anything that’ll endanger their already fragile relationship. I’ve only met her daughter once (I stayed at her house for a weekend) but that was a long time ago when I was still with the ex. As for contacting the ex, I thought of that, but that would be at the very bottom of the list of options and something I’ll try to avoid at all cost.
My Mom will take her to the bank to open an account and get a pre-paid cellphone and anything else she needs on Saturday – tomorrow. I have no idea about Medicare and everything else because it all ties in with her legal status.
Before we hung up, Mom and I were able to laugh it off and joke about how she’s all the sudden adopted a kid. At least she knows what she’s gotten into now and I’m super glad to hear she’s handling it. It will only get more complicated with time and everything is riding on K’s daughter.
Thanks to everyone that’s responded – it truly helps to write this out and your input gives me perspective!
@WeeBirdy you’re right, maybe K just feels embarrassed to tell anyone else her situation. Your post gave me some peace, thank you.
Post # 11
have you ever thought for your mum to contact the ex and not you? he should be looking after his family!
Post # 12
Umm…I have no idea why anyone would suggest contacting your ex…obviously he was done with her 10 years ago. He’s not going to start caring now. I’d just NOT ever do that. What a can of worms! Sounds like your mom has it covered. Way to go Mom!
Post # 13
Whoa, that’s a lot to process. I can’t imagine what is going through your head. Sounds like too much drama, especially during a happy time for you guys. I hope it all gets worked out soon!
Post # 14
Wow. I just spoke to my Mom and all is good. My grandma has fallen in love with K and my Mom has too. It’s only been less than a week since I last spoke to them and the mood was oh-so-very-different then!
I spoke to K last Saturday … we had a “talk” and I was planning to be all firm but ended up just crying. She assured me she does have a plan and that now is the time to speak to her daughter about fixing her situation. She knows the urgency of it all. She also knows I was worried sick about everyone involved. She’s planning a trip to see her daughter by the end of the month.
I haven’t spoken to her again but after my talk with my Mom I was relieved and surprised that they’re all getting along so well. Now I really have to explain things to the in-laws … but after hearing how my grandma loves her, it won’t be hard explaining it all.
It’s an odd situation, but I’m just super glad that it’s taken a turn for the better!