Post # 1
If you look at my older post from two years ago, its detailed there. but here it is in a nutshell. I broke up with the man i thought i’d marry. I was deeply in love with him and he hurt me big time! He is now dating a woman who he told me he had no interest in whatsoever! It took me seeing a therapist to get over it. I was sooo angry, hurt, confused and devastated. I am miles away from the hurt now, although some things still linger – mostly the fact that i miss what we had (prior to the cheating and hurt, we had a really great relationship!), and me having a really hard time consistently trusting men. Breaking my trust really changed me. However, I am dating a wonderful, wonderful man now, who knows and understands me completely, and is showing me daily that he is trustworthy! I am really falling for this guy (think “Aiden” from Sex & the City!)
In the two years since we broke up, he’s contacted my best friend 3-4 times asking how im doing and what im up to. She and the ex remained friends, which was fine by me. However, when he learned that I moved on and am dating, he made the comment that he’ll “never like any guy that she dates!” My Best friend ended the conversation there and stopped taking extended calls from him. She realized he was only calling to keep tabs on me. He also recently messaged her asking for my address so that he could return some of my things (baby pictures or something). I told her that if he calls or contacts her again, that she should say this exactly: “if there is anything you need regarding Dara (me), please dont ask me. Reach out to her and let her decide!” I thought surely, he wouldnt reach out to me directly.
Fast forward a few months, the Delimma: Yesterday, I got a direct message from him on fb (we are not “friends” there). Here it is:
“Hey Dara. Long time, I know. I pray that all is well. I was hoping that We could possibly get together and speak. I am actually going to be in your area tomorrow afternoon/evening. I was hoping that we could get together. Please let me know if this is possible. Please give me a call at your earliest convenience (555) 554-5555.”
I didnt reply. It’s been two days and the curiousity is getting to me. I have no idea what it’s about. Im thinking it’s the apology that i used to want sooo badly, but im thinking now i dont need it. Ive moved on. But i cant help but feel curious.
Would you reply? What would you say?
Post # 2
I wouldn’t reply. You don’t need an apology and you’ve moved on, like you said. I think this is only asking for trouble/drama.
Post # 3
I would send a reply that basically says “thanks for your message; I am doing well but am not interested in speaking with you. All the best to you, [your name]”.
I also had an ex come out of the woodwork recently, and he stirred up similar feelings within me. Getting that message from him got me all mixed up, so I sent a quick response and continued feeling mixed up for about a week. And then it faded just as quickly as it arrived.
So you don’t want to entertain this, and you definitely don’t want to meet up with him lest anything stupid happen. Just thank him for his kind wishes and send him on his way, and then wait a week for the mixed-up feeling to pass.
Post # 4
Laydeeofsong: I honestly wouldn’t give him the time of day. And not out of meanness (is that a word??), but out of having moved on-ness. Okay, I made that word up. He hurt you badly, so much so you had to get therapy. Exes are exes for a reason.
Post # 5
Honestly, I wouldn’t go meet with him unless you tell your current Boyfriend or Best Friend that you are going to go meet with this guy, and your Boyfriend or Best Friend is OK with that.
That being said…sometimes you just need a bit of closure, especially in a situation like that where he cheated (I know how that is from experience, and my ex-FI cheated, we broke up, and he reached out 2 years later, it really helped give me closure). If you want to meet speak to this guy to see what he wants, I would agree to go grab a coffee or something. Don’t do dinner or lunch, because if you get uncomfortable with how it’s going, you need to be able to just get up and leave.
I would give him a call and see what he wants, or even just message him back and see what his intentions are in reaching out to you. If he wants to give you some stuff he has of yours, then arrange that…but if he’s trying to weasel his way back into your life you should nip that in the bud and tell him you want no further contact.
Please update if you talk to him, I’m curious too! lol
Post # 6
I do not feel like it would be healthy for either of you at this point to meet up. I think if he had something really important to say, he would have shed more light in his message that he sent. It just seems like he is trying to lure you in with the curiosity of what he might say. It seems like you have been in a good place, and there is no need to reintroduce the man who caused you so much hurt and pain. Maybe just call and wish him well, play catch up, and tell him what a great place you are in with your new man. =] I feel like you will open yourself to new hurt or reopen past hurt if you meet up with him though and we don’t want that to happen to you.
Post # 7
- Wedding: September 2015 - Contemporary Art Center of Peoria
I struggled with this too for a long time. I finally realized that I missed the person my ex used to be, and he was no longer the same person, just as I am no longer the same person. We could never go back to how it used to be. Simple as that.
I agree that you should not even respond. He’s not worth it. You’ve moved on, he’s moved on. Even if there was no “offical” closure; being happy in your life now is closure enough!! 🙂
Post # 8
Laydeeofsong: I guess I am not as nice as some people on here.lol I would not ignore it because I don’t want him to message again. I would tell him to back off and then block him. I would tell my friend that if he tells you to give me a message, don’t. Of course i would say it nice to my friend but I would also be sure she understood completely. And then continue moving on. Would make you feel a kajillion x stronger knowing that you just proved to yourself that you do not need him. Takes the who question away and you will be one step further from his control.
Post # 9
Don’t reply. Don’t engage him. Don’t meet up with him.
You’ve both moved on with your lives and you know he’s no good for you.
Post # 10
ive been there and it sucks. i didnt go as far as needing a therapist, but i was defiently close to being in your shoes! me and my ex ended on horrible terms i found a new bf a few months after he found his gf. after 2 emails from me and a nasty phone convo with my bf he finally left things be. well about a year later he tried to contact me again and wanted to meet up. Needless to say i never met up with him. Why? it wasnt going to change my feelings towards him, nor did i want to see him and hear what he had to say. Does it peak my curiosity? yes i think about it every now and again. but i think i am better off having no contact from him rather than wondering what if i did?
So if you think you cant live without knowing what he wants; then meet up with him. if you think itll pass as time passes then dont. really is it going to change your feelings towards him? he probably wants to just get in your head now that you have moved on!
Post # 11
Thanks, Ladies. My gut was to respond by saying something along the lines of,
“Thanks for the message! I hope you are well too. However, Im not interested in meeting or speaking about anything. Wishing you all the best. Take care!”
Im teetering between that and not responding at all (Meeting is certainly not an option)!
I guess, aside from the emotions im feeling – which are at bay for the most part, I didnt want to come off as bitter, because im not. I also thought that replying in that way, might make it clear that i no longer want contact or confusion w him.
Post # 12
Nothing good can come of this. You’ve taken great strides to repair the damage he did to you.. do you really want to go through this again? If you haven’t spoken in years, you two probably don’t know much about each other at all.
Let it go and find someone who makes you truly happy.. and who doesn’t cheat on you!
Post # 13
Reply, but don’t meet him. Say, “Hey, hope you are doing well, I am fine, but I’m not interested in meeting up with you. Take care.”
If you don’t reply, it leaves the meatball dangling out there, you know? Send someting short and sweet that politely lets him know you are not open to rekindling anything.
Post # 14
Laydeeofsong: I’d respond with “unsubscribe” and block him. You don’t need this. Also, I think Carrie should have focused on Aiden because Big wasn’t that great. Seriously.
Post # 15
I agree with PP: either ignore the msg, or, just in case he convinces himself you never got the message and continues trying to reach out, reply thank you but you’re not interested in meeting up or in future contact, but you wish him the best.
I swear, I truly believe exes have a sixth sense, they KNOW when you’re actually in danger of getting over them and happy with with someone new, and will reach out at the very worst time.
Here are the facts: you don’t need an apology from him. He lied to you and cheated on you, and neither you don’t owe him the opportunity for him to make an apology. You are better off not being in contact with a person like him, so don’t try to convince yourself otherwise.