Post # 1
I’m in a weird situation with my SO’s family… I really like his younger sister and have gotten along with her famously for the last two years that I’ve been dating SO, but I can’t ignore the weirdness that has been happening lately. She continues to be friends with an ex-girlfriend of his. Granted, she’s who introduced them, so it’s a complicated situation.
I’ve never met the ex, but I’m feeling her presence in a hurtful way at some gatherings. The sister’s friends seem to resent me, and she’s holding me at arm’s length, probably to save ex’s feelings. People closer to sister than my SO make comments about the ex around me in a sly way, as if to see if I’ll get upset/cry/leave the room etc. It really just makes me feel like I’ve been dropped in the middle of a situation that I have no context for and being punished for something I didn’t do. 🙁 How do I try to salvage my relationship with his sister? The ex seems to be trying extra hard to insert herself into the sister’s life lately, especially via social media, where she knows I’ll see it (I’m not friends with her via any media, but we have friends in common). How do I rise above and focus on my relationship with my SO and his family???
I feel like sister should value her family’s feelings more than her friend’s and drop the friend! Is that crazy and unreasonable?
Post # 2
well, yes it is a little crazy and unreasonable.
If I introduced my brother to my friend and they dated and broke up, I don’t think I would drop my friend like a hot potato, you know?
Can you just limit your interaction ? I mean I never see my SIL’s friends or any of my inlaws friends all that much, and they arent at family gatherings, thats for sure. I think wants your SILS friends gets a new boyfriend or something you will find her coming around less…
How old are you guys? Does she live at home? What comments are people making? Why do you see the friends so much?
I think some time and people growing up a little will solve this problem, really.
Post # 3
Yes, that’s unreasonable imo. If they were friends before, why should they stop being friends. Even if they became close after they started dating, I still don’t see a reason to break up a friendship just cause it didtn work with her sibling. Just cause she’s friends with his ex doesnt mean she shouldn’t get along with you too, unless there’s some reason she actually doesnt’ like you. As for the other people making comments… Ignore it? Play along as if you dont give a rat’s ass (cause you shouldnt)? If they’re just tryign to get a rise out of you and it doesnt work, surely it must get old sooner or later. Who cares what the ex is tryign to do with his sister? Ignore it. It has nothing to do with your relationship.
Post # 4
It’s not crazy or unreasonable. For the ex to be showing up and more present two years later would make me uncomfortable. But it’s also out of your control. I think that you will just have to put up with it. It stinks right now, but if you continue to be yourself, and not get “baited” into the drama, the sister will eventually let things go and be able to accept you. She may only be having a hard time balancing the friendship and the friend’s feelings toward you/her brother.
If anything, you should talk to your SO. He can reassure you and he can also be aware and be able to talk to his sister if he thinks that would be the right thing. For now, I don’t think you should actually “do” anything but be you.
But also, privately, stay very aware if things are popping up now that haven’t been that way before. Make sure things are good between you and SO and that he is on the same page as you to avoid any “threats” against your relationship. Even if they come via his sister’s facilitation. If it’s only that the sister and friend are interacting more and not that she’s trying to get closer to your SO, I’d just stay out of the drama and let things simmer down.
Post # 5
Honestly, I was in this EXACT situation. I introduced my friend and exBIL. They got married as my ex husband and I were divorcing. I was still a part of her wedding and was with his family the entire day. I still talk to her, hang out with her, etc. She didn’t drop me just because my relationship with her husband’s brother ended. If she stopped talking to me because of some new girlfriend of my exes, that would be ridiculous.
However, I also think it’s crappy that his family is throwing it in your face. This sounds super juvenile and immature. I try to stay out of my SO’s family drama, no matter who it is, so I’d ask your boyfriend to talk to his sister and see what’s going on. Does he know about this? Has he witnessed her behavior?
At the end of the day, family drama can make or break relationships, so I’d be asking myself if that family is one that I want to get involved with. If it is, see if your boyfriend will stand up for you. If he doesn’t, prepare yourself for the drama because it isn’t going to stop.
Post # 6
Well, I would agree with the comments to ignore, ignore, ignore, but it’s getting brought to the forefront recently because the sister is about to get engaged. It’s not a surprise proposal, more like a check the box to formally begin wedding planning. She’s already discussing venues and dresses with her family and boyfriend. Hence me being around her friends a bit more lately.
My SO and I are engaged, and I was planning to include her in my bridal party, but I am just not sure at this point… she’s going to be a permanent part of my life, but I don’t want to throw any more drama into the mix by making her include both me and the ex in HER bridal party.
Post # 7
The sister and the ex were friends before your SO dated the ex. Why should they end a friendship? That is silly.
Post # 8
Also, FWIW my SO is being super supportive. His breakup with the ex caused a LOT of damage to his relationship with his sister, and so it’s a very sensitive subject. I think he’s having a difficult time balancing between supporting me and being kind to his sister’s feelings.
Post # 9
Yes, it’s crazy and unreasonable. They were friends first.
I don’t know what led to the breakup, but it’s not surprising that friends of the ex aren’t particularly warm to you as the new girlfriend. Hopefully that will change with time as they realize that you’re a nice person too.
Without any specific examples, it’s also really hard to tell how much malice is involved vs. how much is just your perception. Can you give some specific examples of the comments the friends are making? What exactly is the ex doing on social media? Etc.
If you want to focus on your relationship with your SO and his family, just spend more time hanging out with him and his sister without all of her friends around.
Post # 10
I was in a similar situation with my ex (his ex was best friends with his brother’s girlfriend of 9 years and was basically a part of the family as she was the one who introduced her to the brother), and it was exhausting. I don’t think it’s fair to ask the sister to stop being friends with the ex, but I don’t think it’s right for you to be made to feel uncomfortable. You are her brother’s soon-to-be wife. That warrants infinitely more respect than a friend, in my book. I’d talk to the sister. Take her to coffee and just say, you know… “Hey, I’m so excited to become your sister, and to help one another with wedding stuff. I just want to clear the air in case something went sideways or was misunderstood with SO’s ex. I would never want to step on your toes with a friendship, of course, but it’s gotten a little uncomfortable for me for XYZ reason. Can you provide some context or help?” That way, you’re being proactive but fair. If you’re not close enough with sister to do that, maybe talk to SO first. He may be able to run interference. Also… I was uncomfortable with the ex in my former situation because I was uncomfortable with my then-boyfriend. Could that be at the root here too? Maybe explore some of your own relationship stuff to make sure you’re sturdy on that front. Good luck!
Post # 11
About the bridal party: there’s no reason you shouldn’t ask her to be in your bridal party. Just say that you’ll understand if she doesn’t want to reciprocate the offer because she’s planning to have the ex in her bridal party. Open communication can go pretty far in heading off awkward situations.
Also, if they’re so close that the ex is in her bridal party and the breakup caused damage to her relationship with her brother, there’s *really* no reason to think that she should stop being friends with this girl.
Post # 12
Reluctant to include more details because I wouldn’t want her stumbling on this in her own wedding research! :/ …..
Sufficient to say that the incidents are small enough to be socially acceptable, but obvious enough to me to hurt my feelings. I get where everone is coming from. Gotta look inward and take the high road!!
Post # 13
Yes, it’s crazy and unreasonable. Honestly, it sounds like you’re overreacting. She talks about her friend (the ex), and she should be allowed to do so. Of course the ex is going to come up in conversations with the sisters friends, she’s their friend too. And as-for the social media thing, it seems like you’re reaching. Just because the ex posts on the sister’s facebook page, doesn’t mean they’re doing it to spite you or rile you up. This sounds like an overreaction. Just try to focus on your relationship with your SO.
As for the bridal party, personally I never understood why people invited their future siblings-in-law to be in their bridal parties anyway. I wouldn’t include her, not because she’s friends with the ex, but because she’s not a close friend of YOURS and therefore shouldn’t be in your bridal party.
Just my $.02.
Post # 14
He put the ring on your finger, not hers…remember that.
That being said, you gotta take the high road, as much as it hurts sometimes. Don’t cry, leave the room or make any scene, (practice your poker faces in the mirror).
I get why your Fiance is trying to be sensitive to his sisters feelings but if he can talk to her and tell her to cut any crap, that might help (or backfire, you know them best). He can’t control her friends (who sound immature, btw) and neither can you but you can control your reaction.
Post # 15
eventually you’re going to have to accept it if you plan any future together.
My SIL is my ex husband’s little cousin. My cousin is married to her older sister’s ex boyfriend, whose also the younger brother of another cousin’s husband. We have lots of cousin~nieces/nephews going around. It almost seems incestuous. Only in South Carolina!
I promise it has been very awkward. I have to be careful of what I say around my SIL and I think my younger cousin, who’s married to her older sister’s ex, still doesn’t like them alone together. Even though the older sister has been married twice since dating this man and the obvious of just trusting her husband.