Ex took a class with me this semester

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 18
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee

coffeebean4444 :  I don’t want to get him in trouble. I’ve never been able to do it, and even now I think the guilt would be too much. it’s not reasonable, but it’d be really difficult and painful for me to do that.

He won’t get in trouble criminally or otherwise.  Universities are unfortunately rampant with negative female experiences, alcohol-involved questionable sex acts, etc. You can give them a brief explanation as to why you need to be separated from him, and they will shift him to the other lab. Period. He’s not going to be cited for academic probation or be removed from the school, he will be removed from YOUR class.  You need to do this and stop making excuses for yourself. 

You keep finding more ways to put him back into your life, and have only so far been able to avoid that for a few months maximum. You struggle with basic things like not saying happy birthday to him (not necessary to say to an ex, especially an abusive one). So of course, what do you think you are going to feel “guilty” about doing/not doing? Saying hi to him.  Then meeting him after class. Then suddenly he is using you for sex again. NO not a relationship. Just a f*ck because he knows how to press your buttons.  And then you will be devastated and won’t be able to switch out of the class when he ignores you. I said the same thing when I suggested that you not “drunk” call him on his birthday, because everyone around you can all see both your inability to remove him from your life and your lack of desire to do it. 

You need to fix your lab schedule before you cause yourself another problem and more hurt. This is something you need to stop before it even starts, because you know from experience that you are incapable of resisting making poor choices when a choice is given to you. And this will NOT end well. There will never be a time when he falls head over heels in love with you, changes his ways, and turns into a loving or healthy partner. He’s using you when you make yourself available, period. You deserve a chance at a healthy life, and certainly a chance at a career and education that isn’t ruined by him.

 

Post # 19
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

notmeeither :  honestly, I don’t think the school can remove him from her lab. I didn’t read into the OP’s background story but unless something happened on university campus AND was reported and well documented they likely wouldn’t be able to move him. It also gets into a bit of “he said, she said” which is really unfortunate for OP and really any other person who has been put in a similar situation. But it also protects the other party from false accusations (not saying that what OP mentioned didn’t happen, but as far as the university goes, they can’t do much with moving him out of the lab because of this). 

However, OP, they may be able to move YOU into a different lab if you feel comfortable disclosing this to your advisor. That could be another route to try!

Post # 20
Member
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

mkbee :  I am sure it varies from school to school but we had a similar situation in my graduate program – a friend was placed in a pedagogy section with a student from another department who had been verbally abusive to her after their break-up two years prior. She went to the professor and the ex was moved to another section without explanation. It is part of the core mission of all reputable colleges and universities to provide safe environments for their students and they are not going to care about he said, she said. It’s an easy swap and if possible, I imagine it will be accomodated.

Post # 21
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee

Bmkbee :  Yes, you are likely right.  I think it is very likely they will accommodate a transfer for her though if that is her “he said she said” policy.  They will separate them, though, and make sure both of them are able to maintain their course studies. 

Sadly, OP makes a lot of excuses for ending up in situations with this guy anyway. She really struggles with removing him from her life, and it breaks my heart for her.

Post # 22
Member
1528 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

coffeebean4444 :  sorry I really don’t think that the chemistry department will go above and beyond to separate students just because they are ex lovers if there isn’t at a minimum some sort of campus police incidence (or worse). Honestly I would take the lab your in, ask the TA (and/or professor) to station yourselves as far away as possible and you realistically will hardly notice he’s there (unless you TRY to notice him). Every hands on lab I’ve taken (I have a BSc and a doctorate) I’ve hardly noticed people who weren’t in my direct vacinity. 

Post # 23
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

coffeebean4444 :  my husband is a professor and has sadly dealt with similar issues a few times. Definitely talk to your TA and professors including the one whose section you’re trying to get into. You don’t have to give all the nitty gritty details, just that there is a negative history and that you need to e separated from him. Good luck.

Post # 24
Member
9044 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I agree with pp’s about talking to your professor, TA or administration to see if you can swap.

Is there any way to reach out to other students to see if anyone else is willing to swap? You don’t need to tell them the real reason why unless you are comfortable and can always just say scheduling difficulties.

I swapped a mandatory allocated lab with someone who needded it once. They had a kid and the whilst they could technically make the lab they were allocated it meant having to put her kid in before school care which she would strugle to afford (single mum). Since the swap wouldn’t effect my schedule at all it was really a no brainer for me to swap. It also left my afternoon free to pick up more shifts at work, something having a mornng free wouldn’t allow.

 

Post # 25
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

coffeebean4444 :  serial posting. I double checked with my husband, and he said the tipping point for him is if being in the same class as your ex creates an unsafe environment for you. 

Post # 26
Member
249 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Honestly, i dont really think it’s fair for the OP to cry to the prof or TA about someone who she, herself has been struggling on boundaries with. She made those decisions to sleep with him, etc… they signed up TOGETHER. He isn’t stalking her… & it would be kinda garbage of her to make him look bad bc she cant control herself or her emos… He might not get criminally in trouble but who knows???

In my head I’m equating this to a LEGITIMATE, CONSENSUAL, sexual act, (no alchohol involved,) in which a girl has sex with a dude, girl wakes up, regrets it, bc to her he’s gross & she shouldve had higher standards, hates herself, & then calls it rape.

He’s not HARMING her by existing in this class, & he’s not going to abuse her in front of anyone. Leave it alone. Don’t drop the class, that would be allowing yourself to use him to mess with your future. Signing up for another lab is the most you should do.

Post # 27
Member
9044 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

made2comment :  Did you miss the part where the OP said that this relationship was physically and emotionally abusive? For an abuse victim being in the same room as their abuser is harming them. He is already using the student to student communication system to contact her. That is classic abuser 101. He had zero reason to contact her. If you can’t understand how that would effect OP then I don’t know what to say.

You seem to have zero understanding of the abuse cycle. Victims go back often, victims consentually sleep with their abusers because it is extremely difficult to escape the cycle. You are victim blaming.

 

 

Post # 28
Member
249 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

j_jaye :  no, i saw… & now that u explain it that way, that part about him being in the class kind of  makes sense.

But it just seems like getting him kicked out of class is bs to me. & how the heck would HE know that her consensually sleeping with him & staying at his house for a bit (im trying to remember her other post accurately,) is bc its part of the abuse cycle??? I didnt know, so that really just doesn’t seem fair at all. May be he thought ” oh we’re cool now and I can open up the lines of communication” ? Seems like a lot of excuses, as a previous poster in here said. Excuses to not take ownership of her own behavior.

Post # 29
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

made2comment :  you literally just said abusers that don’t understand the abuse cycle shouldn’t be blamed for being part of the abuse cycle. You’re also doing a lot of victim blaming. That’s disgusting and idiotic. Furthermore, the advice regarding talking to her professors mostly center around the OP moving labs. Lastly, I didn’t read nor say any comment advising OP to name her ex. 

Post # 30
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee

Hi OP, I don’t know the condition of the breakup, and assuming he doesn’t try to actively hurt you emotionally or physically by getting into this same class (in this case it’s abuse and it’s a whole other level, then forget what I write here), this might be actually a chance to also learn to act professional.

In my job I have the obligation of working well as a team with people I despise and cannot stand from time to anothern thankfully it’s only a project among the five I’m working on in the year. You might eventually encounter similar situation in the future, having to work with an ex-boyfriend, an ex-best friend, someone you simply doesn’t feel good around…

It’s a limited time only (a class), so probably it’s now the nice time to learn to separate the professional world (your study right now) and your personal life (love, friendship, family, etc).

God forbid, if ever you get into a divorce/bad break up in a job, you might be better equipped to handle this kind of situation.

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