Ex took a class with me this semester

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 31
1030 posts
Bumble bee

made2comment :  I retracted the suggestion that he be the one to move labs, and said it initially because he was contacting her through the student network re-initiating to tell her he would be in her lab section. Yes, this is someone who clearly has boundary issues and difficulty removing herself from interactions with him. But it is more complex than “ew, get him away from me, I’m acting with immaturity and I want him gone!”

The advice is to reach out to the academic support chain to shift her schedule because she has a lab with her abuser. Yes, she keeps going back to him and debasing herself. Yes, that is 80% her own fault. But there is a long history here that has created her situation that even she doesn’t seem to understand yet. She needs to be removed from a situation that involves interacting with him. Each of her interactions with him keep escalating.

In all other relationships, I too would side with you and anev and say that she needs to be mature and just get on with it and practice being an adult. Lots of people who have dated and broken up have to take courses together and it would be juvenile and extremely disruptive and unfair to try to separate them all.  In this case, contact with OP’s ex leads her to self destructive behaviors (high risk sex in dirty public bathrooms) and self harm (seeing him flirt with another lab mate could send her into a tailspin of suicidal ideation – see previous posts).  I would personally 100% not want her in a lab environment with her emotional trigger (him) when she needs to be focused on lab safety, and has access to classware and various chemicals.

To me this is enough of a concern to at least suggest taking it up with the staff to see if something can be done before she puts herself into the situation. As past posts seem to indicate though, it’s unlikely that she will do anything and will remain in the class to be near him and we will hear the fallout from that later.

Post # 32
6146 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

OP- I think this is a great opportunity for you to change some of your past bad habits and really learn to advocate for yourself. PPs have given you some great suggestions for things you can do with your class and waitlist and getting a lab partner who IS NOT your ex. 

I think you also need to completely ignore your ex. If he comes over to you to speak or tries to message you again, send or give him ONE message “Do not contact me or speak to me at all during this semester. I don’t want anything to do with you.” that’s it. If he contacts you again, he has been warned and you should absolutely notify your professor, the TA, and anyone else you can. At this point, you know you have shit boundaries with people so you need to put some external boundaries in place that protect you while you build up the fortitude to enforce your own internally set boundaries.

Don’t let some dirtbag derail your forward momentum toward a major life goal. You deserve better than that. If you need to tell your friends to create additional external boundaries (and to shame yourself into remaining accountable) then do that. Do whatever you need to do to keep yourself from sabotaging yourself here.

You can also promise yourself some kind of reward if you are able to stick with it for the entire semester- something you really really really want- more than some dick and attention from an abusive asshole.

Good luck!

Post # 35
254 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

notmeeither :  i appreciate you explaining it like that!! It seemed crazy unfair at first, but honestly it makes more sense now. Hopefully OP can get into her waitlisted lab this semester : P

Post # 36
10651 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

At both universities I was at multiple labs for the same course ran at the same time (lectures can have 100s of students, individual labs would fit in the 20s).  If the school you go to runs the same way, can you speak with the lab coordinator (verify you 2 are together) and get swapped with someone else?  I wasn’t even able to pick the specific lab group I was in, so getting swapped before it started would be NBD.

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