Ex wife in our lives

posted 6 months ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
972 posts
Busy bee

You are correct. It is attitudes like ours that make coparenting situations comfortable. But it does take a certain level of maturity, that a lot don’t exhibit. And my sons father has abused our child, tried to kill me, cheated on me, etc. you have to put the negativity away and still parent together. princessanon0125 :  

Post # 47
Member
2773 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

  Leanne1 :  you said you feel insecure. So what’s the backstory? When/how/why did they split up in the first place OP? Is she remarried?

Post # 48
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

princessanon0125 :  Absolutely it should. Unfortunately, many bioparents either disgree or care more about their own feelings than they do their children’s happiness. In an ideal world, everyone would get along. It’s just not feasible or realistic in many cases.

Post # 49
Member
2029 posts
Buzzing bee

One thing I’d add to that is, it’s not only not feasible for some but it’s not always healthy. Co-parenting is a broad term, but it’s used a lot to set the bar as the ideal situation and depending on a couples background, might not be the best. If there’s been abuse, manipulation, etc… everyone coming together is truly challenging.

 

We do do more of a parallel parenting style. Basically everyone mostly agrees on the big issues, but when the child is with us— they’re with us save for maybe a FaceTime here or there. Same when they’re at their moms house. There’s not constant contact, all the adults can sync up as needed and discuss schedule changes, grades, sports, etc… but there’s not constant updates and is always sitting together at events cheering on. Differences have been put aside for the most part, I’d say.

 

Occasionally it happens, but not always. We’re happy to keep our lives separate and cordial.

 

as far as the OP— per your updates that’s way too much contact. That’d be a dealbreaker for me, personally. Having now been through it for years with my blended family I could see that causing a lot of strife.  wineosaur :  

Post # 50
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

fromatoz :  Great point. FH parallel parents with his ex, as well, at the suggestion of our therapist. It’s the only way to avoid constant conflict and strife. We are all cordial, but we leave each other alone, by and large.

Post # 51
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Leanne1 :  My fiance has a son with his ex. They were never married. When we started dating I told him there would need to be some boundaries because his ex was comfortable sharing details of her personal life and involving herself in ours.

Since then, we established custody through court (my fiance has full placement, she gets 3 weekends), she doesn’t really call or text ever and she is having a baby with her boyfriend. So I don’t deal with anywhere near the level of communication you deal with.

I understand my fiance’s ex is not “typical” in that she is mostly not involved with the exception of  her weekends. However, I do not think a divorced couple needs to talk daily about the kids. It seems excessive. Can you suggest to your husband keeping it to a couple times per week (unless extremely important?)  You can support him having a healthy co-parenting relationship with her while asking some boundaries be set. 

It isn’t easy dating someone with a child from a previous relationship, it can bring up a lot of insecurities and I completely understand.  

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