(Closed) ex-wife makes me wonder

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee

My fiance refers to his first wedding as “a mistake I had to make so I would learn some things”.  (His family hated her as well.)  Pretty much every guy I know my age (and a number of the women) has been married twice and has used the experiences of the first marriage to make better choices the second time around.  If what your fiance says about his first marriage is that they both made some mistakes and he’s learned from it, then I wouldn’t worry.  If all he says is that she’s crazy, then I would be concerned.

 

Post # 18
Member
4634 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

My SOs ex is totally different from me, and my exs are different from him.  But I totally get this feeling sometimes.  You’re not crazy 🙂

Post # 19
Member
913 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Most of the previous posters are talking about their SO’s ex-wife/GF but I’ll go ahead and give you the story from the other side. My ex husband was truly awful. I don’t think he was crazy or weird but he was narcissistic, arrogant and manipulative. Our short marriage was a disaster. I found out after the fact that my entire family hated him. I didn’t marry him because I loved him, but because I was impulsive and at that point in my life I thought getting married was just what you do. STUPID.

It wasn’t until I met my FF that I realized what love really feels like. It sounds so cliche but it’s true. And that made me wonder even more what the hell I was thinking with the ex!

So, don’t take it personally. He made a mistake and it was before he ever met you.

Post # 20
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2001

i would’t call her a mistake  but more so that forever doesn’t necessarily have to mean ‘forever’ with a person. they outgrew eachother, and naturally the way that it looks, what he and she had , their forever, was a short period of time and it lead your forever which was far more conrete, stable, and love ridden than theirs was.

We all have to go through some ‘questionables’ until we reach the right one. the one we’d go through anything for because we know that this truly is the one we were meant to always be with. wish you luck darling xx

Post # 23
Member
2491 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I am SO HAPPY you started this thread! I feel the same way! My Fiance was married once before to some woman who was crazy. Everyone hated her, but was nice to her face, and they were THRILLED when they got divorced. I am 99.99999% sure that my FI’s family loves me (his mom and I talk all the time and his brother and I hang out once in awhile which they didn’t do with the ex), but I still wonder, sometimes, if they might think similar things about me… or if somewhere, deep down, I’m a manipulative, controlling person too….

 

Good to see I’m not the only one 🙂

 

Post # 24
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

how did he “pick” both of us when we are so different? I don’t want to be crazy!

don’t compare yourself to your SO’s ex.   it’s entirely possible for him to love different people with very different personalities!

like you, my husband’s ex girlfriend was crazy. I used to hear so many stories about what a raging b#$#! she was, and many people have told me how much they like me better. the thing is, when he thinks back on it, he wonders why he ever went out with her at all (they were together for 3 years, lived together, and were discussing marriage).  but when he was in the middle of the relationship, he did not see clearly how f-ed up it was.  it’s not like he liked crazy girls, he was just blind to it! 

anyway, it’s easy for me to see I am not like her. my reactions to things are entirely different from her reactions.  and I get along well with his family and friends. it’s not fake or forced, we genuinely have a good time together. I think I would sense the tension if they didn’t like me.  that’s how I know that I’m different from her! 

Post # 25
Member
3683 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Nobody liked my DH’s first wife either.  He says that all the crap he went through because of her made him appreciate what an awesome person I am.

Post # 26
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Try reading ‘I Hate His Ex’ by Alex Moore. I’ve just read it and it has really help me sort out loads of problems within my relationship. It is definitely worth a try! 

Post # 27
Member
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Oh my God, I think this all the time.

FI’s ex was a fucking freak. I’m sorry, that makes me sound like a bitch. But she was. I dress conservatively, and in a professional manner. His ex literally dressed like a stripper. My bitchiness aside, she did dress like a stripper. She was kind of gothic looking- I’m NOT in the least. She dropped out of college, I’m in grad school. 

We’re nothing alike and it makes me insane. I need to read ‘I hate his Ex.’

I’m slowly getting over it now, but it was a huge issue in the beginning of our relationship. It was hard for me to imagine to how he could say he was in love with me, when he married her. Why was SHE so good? Does that make me equal, or better? Or does Fiance have low standards, and I’m just equally as useless as her. (Okay, that was catty- I’m just rehashing how I used to feel.)

Post # 28
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I was the same way….my fiance’s ex was strange….his friends and family did not like her at all….she was very much a leach to him (kind of expecting a free ride)….My fiance is JUST NOW starting to admit her faults….(we’ve been together 9 years )….

And she is rather crazy…when they split she moved to a different province, she left BOXES of her stuff in his apartment and left her cat (the cat liked him better anyways)….

When I moved in with him, I was annoyed with the boxes (we are not a free storage company) but I loved the cat…..I would post pics of her on facebook and tag my fiance…she actually told him that she did not like that I was taking over the “Mommy” role in the cat’s life….yup, she actually said that….

When we bought our house I told him that her stuff either gets sent to her (remember this is 5 years later!!!!!!) or I’m personally taking it to the dump….(the cat got to stay)….he finally mailed her some things (really, how badly do you need things that you haven’t had in 5 years????) and threw the rest out….

When the cat got sick we had to make the difficult decision to put her down…..he called to tell her out of courtesy and I could hear her ask for him to send her pics of the cat…you know, the pics she complained about me taking??????

Now they have no connection left so it does make it easier…..I think her complaining about me taking care of her cat really opened my fiance’s eyes….

 

Just be glad that the EX’s you guys hate are EX’s…..and think about it…your fiance has UPGRADED to YOU!!!!!!!!!

Post # 29
Member
11348 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

DHs ex is bipolar I who refuses any treatment.  No meds, no therapy.  So he knows from crazy.  

 

He stayed for years due to the sickness and health vow.  Eventually, she destroyed him financially and cheated constantly.  That did it.

Post # 30
Member
11348 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

@smcs28:  

 

Yes, he calls me an upgrade, too.

Post # 31
Member
7899 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

There’s nothing wrong with you. In my sitaution, I was your Fiance and my now-DH was you, and although my ex was a disaster, Darling Husband is perfect. Sometimes we make mistakes and get caught up in the dream. Now your guy has found the real dream, not the make-believe one that covers up the crazy.

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