- 5 years ago
I can’t help but feel my SI is more concerned with his ex-wife’s feelings than he is with mine. Here is a little background…
SI and the ex-wife have two boys (1 in elementary school, 1 in jr high) and have a cordial relationship and communicate frequently related to the boy’s activities/school etc. My SI and I have been in a long distance relationship for the past 2yrs due to his deployment schedule. We have been together just over 4 yrs. When he is home (he works 60 days deployed and has 60 days leave), his boys spend almost all of his time taking care of his kids. His ex has been in school trying to finish up her Masters Degree so he is basically Mr. Mom to give her a break. SI and his ex live very close to each other, as in the same subdivison.
His ex was seriously dating a man who was killed in a car accident about 18 months ago. It was horrible but she seems to have recovered and decided to return to school and start a new career. She has dated on and off since he was killed.
I think his kids are great and I love spending time with them. So here is my issues, when he is home and we are together I have mentioned attending the boys activities with him such as soccer games or boy scouts or after school activities. My SI is not comfortable with me attending when his ex wife is there and her parents which is almost 90% of the time. He says he feels like he is “rubbing” our relationship in her face and making her feel bad because she is single. I have meet his ex multiple times and we have always been friendly. I think the real issue is that he feels uncomfortable if both of us are in the same location and uses the excuse of rubbing our relationship in her face.
This same issue has come up for holidays and birthdays. My SI will go over to his ex’s house to open presents with the boys and their grandparents. Prior to the death of her boyfriend, he (boyfriend) and his two children were invited to soccer and holidays etc.
My SI says this is because her now deceased boyfriend had children the same age as his children and played together. He did complain to me that he was unhappy that his ex’s boyfriend attended the parties but never said anything to his ex. I am excluded again because he thinks it would hurt his ex’s feelings.
This past Christmas, SI was in NYC for a work related event and decided to fly the 2 boys and his ex out to NYC for the holiday. I was not invited. I had enough leave to take time off of work and could easily have flown to NYC to be with him for Christmas. I was very hurt by this and have told my SI that I was hurt. He said that he wanted to see his sons for the holidays and they are too young to fly alone so he had to have their mother fly with them. He said it would just be too awkward to have his SI and ex wife there at the same time. I know that they saw the sights and did tourist type stuff together. It’s been 3 months and I am still hurt by being excluded. I also know that he is very uncomfortable answering my calls or text messages when his ex is around, again because he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings.
I don’t believe that he still has feelings for her or there is any sort of relationship between them. The split was a mutual decision, they got married young because she was pregnant and just grew apart.
I feel like this is always going to be an issue and his concerns for his ex’s wife’s feelings will always be more important than including me in his and his sons lives. I have told him many times that I feel excluded and my feelings are hurt.
Is this how it is when you are with a man that has children who wants to maintain a good relationship with his ex so he can spend time with his kids? Do I need to just suck it up? Am I overreacting? Is this like a LeAnn Rymes / Brandi Glanville deal with the kids and the new serious girlfriend needs to just stay away from any kids events that mom attends?