(Closed) Exactly how much does your SO's physical appearance mean to you?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 77
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Laurenskii:  DH and i are the same way. He has told me before several times that if I got fat and stopped caring what I looked like he would leave me.  I would do the same with him. I mean he is 5’11-6′ 150 lbs….Im used to him being small and rubbing his abs.  I like those things! lol

Post # 78
Member
511 posts
Busy bee

@missamysmiles:  “Using gaining 100 lbs as an example doesn’t work for attraction either – because gaining 100 lbs is about changing who you are and what you value (health and fitness). 

The best scenario is if you were in a fire and you face was brutally burned, or half your body… and it drastically affect your appearance”


Wow, I agree 100% with this. I was feeling bad because I might leave my boyfriend if he gained 100 pounds because all our hobbies revolve around fitness and he’s a doctor and gives lectures on wellness so health is extremely important to him. If he gained 100 pounds it would mean the core of who he is changed. We go to the gym together every day, we go hiking almost every evening, we bike on weekends. For him to gain 100 pounds means he is no longer the man I fell in love with but it has nothing to do with the physical.

To change it to “if he was burned in a fire”, I believe I would absolutely still stay with him. I love who he is. It helps that he’s absolutely drop dead gorgeous, but I truly believe I would still think so even if he was disfigured in an accident. 

Post # 79
Member
8037 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

I think looks are definitely important, but I think it also depends on circumstances.

Like gaining 100 lbs and knowingly not doing anything about it is one thing… gaining 100 lbs because of meds you’re on and trying hard to lose it is entirely different.

Looks do have a huge impact on life. Take for example when one person in a couple is disfigured… it’s sad, but often the couple ends up divorcing. I doubt it’s to do with looks alone… but what losing one’s looks does to the person. It can change someone.

My Fiance and I both try to look after ourselves, and I don’t see either of us “letting ourselves go”, but you can’t predict the future, right. Yeah, if he gained 100 lbs I definitely wouldn’t be as attracted to him, and vice versa. Neither of us have exactly perfect bodies now, though… I’m definitely not with him just because of the way he looks or because I’m attracted to him.

Post # 80
Member
4371 posts
Honey bee

Physical appearances are important to both of us, and we are both committed to keeping our physical self in good shape for our age. I think it would be unfair of me to ask that Darling Husband is just as attracted to me if I added 40 lbs., absent any medical condition. I would love Darling Husband no matter what he looked like, but if he put on 50 lbs, I can’t say that our physical relationship would not suffer.

Post # 81
Member
794 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - Backyard Forest

@lionsheart:  

I’m glad that my scenario change helped you! I just wanted to point out that the topic name doesn’t correspond with what OP was asking. 

I think that if someone drastically changed who they were as an individual (which for most people, gaining 100 pounds would likely indicate that), I think it would cause obvious relationship issues. I also think OP’s Fiance had a great response, that if without the offering of support to change… then sure it would affect things! We all change with time, but it’s hard for 180’s not to affect feelings. 

But when there is a circumstance that changes only what you LOOK like… then I think it wouldn’t change feelings for most people who are in a healthy, loving and commited relationship. 

 

Post # 82
Member
468 posts
Helper bee

My SO once ended a relationship with a girl because she gained over 100lbs over the course of their relationship.  They were having other issues as well, so it wasn’t all about her apperance, but it was a factor in the decision to break up.  She wasn’t having any health problems, but she had a really unhealthy life style. He just wasn’t attracted to her anymore.  She has since attained a SUPER unhealthy weight.  

I honestly think I would be very unhappy if my SO gained 100 lbs.  I can’t imagine that I would still be attracted to him.  Physical attraction is very important to me.  I don’t know what I would do in that situation, and I hope to never be there.     

Post # 83
Member
9681 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Laurenskii:  I don’t believe in unconditional love in the sense that you can treat me however you want and I will sit there and take it. I won’t be abused or mistreated but my love runs a lot deeper than what’s on the outside. I would question the validity of a marriage where someone would leave if the person became “unattractive.” MrPanda99 is an amazing man and I am attracted to HIM, which is not strictly tied to the body he is in. I’d worry if it was. 

Yes, it is important to stay healthy but I sure as hell wouldn’t leave just because something changed or got hard. To each their own but I’d like to think my self worth and worth to my partner is not tied to a number on the scale. He doesn’t need to look a certain way for me to love him. If he gains weight, he isn’t worthy of my love anymore? That seems ridiculous and juvenile to me. I love who he is and how he treats me, which will stay constant. 

Post # 84
Member
537 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Mr. Hausfrau and I have also had a similar conversation recently. There are two points to consider- the purely physical and whatever underlying emotional change would likely accompany such a drastic physical change.

Considering the purely physical aspect, I think the point is not that you would stop loving your partner. If Darling Husband woke up tomorrow 100 pounds heavier, I would love him just the same, but I would not be attracted to him just the same. Whether our relationship would in this case continue to be fulfilling for both of us long term would remain to be seen (as both love and physical attraction are important aspects for us). We also completely separate physical change in terms of aging from something like a drastic weight gain.

With a drastic weight gain, as PPs have mentioned, it would rarely be the case that “it just happened” without some sort of fundamental change in your partner’s lifestyle. I could imagine that such a fundamental change from the person you fell in love with could have an emotional impact.  

In this sense, I don’t think it makes sense to compare gaining 100 pounds to having some sort of disfiguring accident (burn, etc.). I think a lot of the PPs are trying to explain that, in the case of the accident, it would have no impact on their love for their partner, not least of all because the accident could have been completely out of their partner’s control (unlike a drastic weight gain).

 

Post # 85
Member
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Laurenskii:  My Fiance has told me about a million times that he would never leave me, no matter how much weight I gained or how grey my hair turned and that we are going to grow old and disgusting together. Haha. So sweet.

But for real I love him so much I can’t imagine leaving him over his appearance. I do wish he would get a haircut more often and wear the clothes I buy for him, but he is mine no matter what.

Post # 86
Member
885 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

@MrsPanda99:  Often times a 100-lb gain is the result of drastic changes in one’s habits, and the fact that someone (despite having the help of their partner) refuses to lose weight or does not do anything about it reflects a change in personality that is incompatible with me and the man i fell for.  Therefore, for me the weight gain would impact much more than just the appearance, but also the personality.  I would not just walk out; I would try to help him, but if he refuses to do anything about it, I think that’s selfish and shows disregard for the other person’s feelings.  I do not think leaving someone under those circumstances is juvenile.  I do think that expecting that someone will love you (or you him) regardless of what he/she looks like (and the consequences of the bahavior that would lead to such weight gain) is naive and unreasonable. 

But as you said, “to each their own.”

Post # 88
Member
885 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

@Hausfrau:  THIS.  Weight gain of this sort does not just happen.  It usually comes with other fundamental changes, including personality ones. 

Post # 89
Member
9681 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Laurenskii:  I said, I question how deep love is if something as minor as appearance (and not who the person is inside or how they treat you) is enough to make someone leave. So you love someone but not if they are fat and won’t change? That doesn’t sit well with me. I think it’s offensive to marriage that someone would leave over something like that. My husband is my life partner and looks change over the course of someone’s life. I accept that because I love who my husband is as a person.

I didn’t mean to cause offense, I was simply answering your question. I will check out now to avoid any additional offense.  

Post # 90
Member
885 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

honestly, and I truly do not mean to offend anyone, but all these people with the: “i will never leave him no matter how fat, ugly, etc he/she gets” personality must be reading one-too-many romance novels, and in my opinion are a bit detached from reality.  Never say never.  You have no idea how you would act in a situation until the situation is there (and I often make the mistake of saying “never”. . . just sayin’).

And I predict this thread will get closed/removed before the end of the day. 

Post # 91
Member
9681 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Deleted.

The topic ‘Exactly how much does your SO's physical appearance mean to you?’ is closed to new replies.

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