(Closed) Excited to get engaged yet dreading it at the same time :-/

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
933 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I told my boyfriend he has to ask my mom for blessing before he asks me. So that’s why it’s taking so long for me now.  But when it finally happens, I will know that he & she have worked it out.

Post # 4
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I know it sucks to say this but…if anyone wants to f* with your happy moment…F* ‘Em. Why are you going to let someone who is a Negative Nellie ruin your happyness? You do not have to inculde her if you know she is going to make your life impossible. Send her an announcement & an invite like everyone else and have her be a distingushed guest. keep it Family Professional. If she wants to throw a tiffy then explain that it is YOUR (Plural you) wedding and your SO and yourself will do it YOUR way. This is a happy moment. 

I am sure your mother understand how her behavior effects you. When you show that you will not stand for her F*ery then she can withdraw. Pay for everything yourself. Have the wedding YOU want. You are obviously a Grown-Ass-Woman, who has done great things for yourself and by yourself without much emotional support from this woman (obviously emotional support is the #1 thing we ask from our Mom’s).

Don’t let her negativity effect your happy moment. You deserve it.

Post # 5
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

First of all, it sounds like you have your sh*t together!  Congratulations.  

Here’s what I would do.. Announce your engagement (to us first, obviously!) and play it by ear from there.  

At the first sign of her disapproval or trying to take control, remind her that a wedding really is about the couple, contrary to her beliefs, and that you can prove it to her by eloping.  Mothers LOVE weddings, and if you hold the threat of elopement over her head, it would certainly shut her up (or just set her off more! haha)

If possible, try not to borrow any money from her.  Make cuts in the guest list or decor, but do whatever you can NOT to take money from her.  If money=power in her mind, then avoid that like the plague!  If you absolutely need money from her, lay down the ground rules immediately.  A gift is a gift.  When you give someone a gift, even if it’s a gift of money, you relinquish control of it forever.  It would be like if you gave someone a blender, then forced them to use it when you wanted on the settings you wanted and only to make the foods that you wanted.  haha.. Ok, it’s not exactly the same, but you get my point.  

 

 

Post # 6
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@KJM33:  It’s exactly the same! My mom is offering to commition my wedding dress to be made by the woman who made both mine and my sister’s  sweet sixteen dress. I told her i would think about it but if i want to buy a dress in a store or botique then it is my parogative and it is in my right to buy the dress myself if i want that particular dress bad enough. But the more i research, the nicer having my dress made specifically for me looks.

Post # 7
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

Sometimes family isn’t who we are born with, but who we choose. How is your relationship with FMIL?

Post # 8
Member
2831 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@SpartyGirl:  My mother is not like this but if she was I would not want to include her in my planning. This IS  your wedding and your FI’s weddingn. Not hers. If you can’t afford the wedding you want without her help then you should change your views on what you want. If you really do want a grand wedding with the help of your mother then you just have to suck it up. You can’t be fighting with her the whole time.

I’m sorry that your mother is like that. But you never know! She could be fine and you are working yourself up over nothing.

Post # 9
Member
2831 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

And I’m sure that your FI’s family will be happy for you too! Not just him 🙂

Post # 10
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

My best advice would be to tell us bees and then keep quiet for a day or two after you get engaged.  I wish my fiancé and I would have kept it to ourselves for a couple days before making the obligatory dozens of phone calls to family and plastering it on Facebook.  I mean, everyone was excited, but those who knew it was coming (*cough* my parents *cough*) were very blasé about the news and it was my first bridal let-down.

Live in your engagement bubble for a couple days–go to a celebratory dinner, spend all day in bed being ridiculously happy, and THEN deal with your mother later.  She may surprise you but this way, if she doesn’t, you still got to enjoy being newly engaged!!  🙂

Post # 13
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@SpartyGirl:  So resolve you and your SO to have a drama-free family. The great thing about getting married is that you get to start your OWN family. one that can be whatever you want.

Post # 14
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee

@SpartyGirl:  I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. My heart goes out to you and I can definitely relate on some level.

My mother has borderline personality disorder. When my SO and I started talking about getting married my mother reacted very oddly (not really for her but compared to how what you would expect). She started making comments to others (when I was standing right there) like “Sweetheartchic is stupid enough to want to get married” and “Her boyfriend is nice… for a first husband.” 

It’s sad because there will always be a part of me that wants to share that kind of stuff with my mom but I know I will be setting myself up for disappointment. I actually am seriously considering not inviting either of my parents to my wedding at this point.

If it is going to be more stressful to involve your mother, my advice would be to not include her. If she really wants to be a part of your wedding she keep her mouth shut and support you in whatever you do. If she doesn’t, don’t give her the opportunity to poison one of the most special days of your life.

Post # 15
Member
699 posts
Busy bee

@KJM33:  i looove your idea….eloping is majorly cool, and way less expensive then a wedding. matt & i might do that

Post # 16
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

It sounds like you need to stand up to your mom. She can play nice or she won’t be involved. 

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