(Closed) Excluding FSIL from my wedding

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
572 posts
Busy bee

hmmm. IDK why you were excuded from her events, but I don’t think I would’ve asked her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man to begin with if all that had happened before. That said, I think you’re mistake is picking and choosing what you want to include her in. If you asked her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, she should be invited to everything that you’re doing with your other BMs. Because that there, would then make you the “bad” person. 


Post # 3
2181 posts
Buzzing bee

andielle : Yeah, I have a hard time believing the hotel absolutely refused to provide a spare rollaway bed for one of the rooms. 

I think you need to include her in all the bridesmaid activities at this point. Doesn’t sound like you enjoyed being left out very much, and the biggest issue here is the two of you not being close–she doesn’t have a history of cruelty towards you. She’s probably trying to act interested in the wedding because she’s aware that you two don’t have much of a connection yet. If you didn’t want her to intrude on your friend time then you should have found your backbone and told her she wasn’t a bridesmaid off the bat. Now you’re just going to look like a passive aggressive dick if you try to make it so that she’s the only one not involved.

Post # 4
69 posts
Worker bee

I have experienced snubbing different and also similar to yours…and it hurts… so I feel you. And it’s hard to really, truly take the high road – especially on your wedding day. I have struggled and shed many tears over it but have made the decision in my case to take the high road…and you know, I feel so much better.

Maybe consider what it might feel like if you could take steps toward mending this situation…you might be surprised how freeing it can be. She’ll be you SIL forever it’s not just about this one day. 

Post # 5
24 posts
  • Wedding: April 2017

I fully feel you – and I do think you should do what you feel right. On one hand I wanna say, go for it. But on the other the same way I would encourage you standing your ground, I’d maybe suggest you standing up for yourself in a more powerful way… Say right to her face how you felt and how you are feeling. Way more liberating and see where it goes. Tell her it sucked, and now you feel odd about your own wedding plans which you dont need. What do you think?

Post # 6
3332 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

If she’s a bridesmaid, I think you should treat her the same as the others. IT sounds like you’re being petty because she didn’t include you (not right on her end), but two wrongs dont make a right.

While it might not be correct, I think if you act like this toward her, its going to turn FIs family against you. They will side with her about how ‘mean’ you’re being, and you’re going to 100% look like the bad guy. I’m not saying you should base your decisions off of what other people will think, HOWEVER these other people are going to be your future family. I’d be cautious about what foot you start out with them!

Post # 7
7643 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

andielle :  I think I remember your old post.

But, the point of a bridal party sleepover is partly so the bridesmaids can all get ready together. So since she’s a bridesmaid, I think you should invite her to the sleepover. But also give her the option of not attending because she’s a mum. (And give her a time she needs to be there if that happens).

As for if she asks about the bachelorette, I’d probably say something along the lines of, “I wasn’t invited to yours so I figured you wouldn’t be interested in attending mine”.

EDIT: I looked back at my old answer 5 months ago, and I wrote, “I’d also invite her to the bachelorette”. On 2nd thoughts, that might be better. You can exclude her from everything else and still invite her to the bachelorette. If she knows no one else and gets bored, that’s her problem.

Post # 8
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

If she’s married and has kids, I highly doubt she’d even want to spend the night before the wedding with you guys anyways. I know I wouldn’t, even if we were close (I might do it anyways just for your sake if we were close). 

Id give her the invite but make it very open and understanding that it’s fine if  she doesn’t come. 

Post # 10
6659 posts
Bee Keeper

You know how you felt when you were excluded. Do you think you will ultimately feel good about having made someone else feel this way?

The decision should have been whether or not to have her be a bridesmaid, not whether or not to treat her as a bridesmaid once you’d already asked her. I know I never regret doing the right thing. She may decline anyway. 

Post # 11
717 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Treat others how you want to be treated. Giving her the treatment she gave you is childish and you are stooping to her level. Be the bigger person. 

Post # 12
6883 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

andielle :  So since she treated you in a childish way you are in turn going to do the same. And how old are we?  That sounds so immature and petty.  Be the bigger person, and either include her in everything or not have her in your wedding party

Post # 13
6447 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

You made the biggest mistake by asking her to be a bridesmaid. You didn’t have the courage to tell her no then, but you want to deal with the looks and the whispers from FI’s family over this, potentially for years? That is an awful way to start your marriage, and will likely erode your relationship with your Mother-In-Law, Father-In-Law and any other siblings your Fiance has. There is no way to gracefully exclude her from almost all the activities, and it won’t go unnoticed. You should have either intended to have her be a full-fledged bridesmaid or not be one at all because what you are planning to do is hurtful, immature and unforgivable. 

Post # 14
2326 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess

this is the most passive aggressive thing I have ever heard of. YOU let her invite herself into your bridal party, even though you don’t even like her. That is on YOU because these are your boundaries that you are letting her step all over. 

So now you want to intentionally not invite her to the activities involved with being a bridesmaid? For what purpose? Revenge? Spite? Pettiness? Bravo! This person may be in your life a long time, and it would behoove both of you to be grown ups and try to get along. Probably not the smartest move, but hey, it’s your wedding. 


Post # 15
1815 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

As a person with a child, I would think she probably wants to go home and spend the night before your wedding with her kids. I would probably tell her that ahead of time. If you hide it, it seems mean. Just say ‘I’m having all the single girls stay with me the night before the wedding at the hotel. I’m assuming because of your children you will not want to be there, so I’ll need you to meet us at 10:00 am at XXX to get hair done’. I would say that ‘asking’ her if she wants to stay the night with you guys is the more polite way to go – but at least by telling her is nicer than hiding it. You could say ‘if you’d like to join us we’d love to have you’ – that would be taking the high road – but if you really don’t want her there you can leave that part out. 

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