(Closed) Excluding FSIL from my wedding

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 17
Member
1169 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Just kick her out of the party.  SIL or not, I’m not having anyone that’s ever called me a bitch at my wedding, let alone in the wedding party.  But you shouldn’t have had her a bridesmaid in the first place.

Post # 18
Member
442 posts
Helper bee

You already made her a bridesmaid, excluding her from everything at this point will only reflect poorly on you. You really should invite her to everything that you invite your other BMs to. If you didn’t want to involve her, you should not have made her a bridesmaid. Now when you obviously exclude her for things, what is stopping her from painting you in a negative light to your FIs family with evidence of your childishness to back it up? It will also confirm all of her negative opinions about you if you stoop to her level and try to use your wedding to get revenge on her personally. PPs are absolutely correct – be the bigger person. There’s no advantage to escalating the drama other than petty revenge.

Post # 19
Member
4534 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

andielle :  she may be mean and a bitch but I think you should just take one for the team and do it for your husband.

People/family/in-laws will judge you harder for excluding her than they would her for the same treatment. You are the outsider and any minute transgression will be judged at a higher level. It would be easier just to suck it up as opposed to have to deal with the fallout after the wedding.

You don’t need to invite her to the bachelorette as that is traditionally for close friends but photos, nails, the sleepover should be some thing for her to be apart of. Just stress that you understand she has kids and you are OK with her not staying the night before. She may take the out you’ve given her, especially if you say it in front of her husband and stress the point that her hubby will be locked up overnight solo with the kids! 😉

Post # 20
Member
1302 posts
Bumble bee

I do not understand letting someone else’s poor behavior be an excuse for you to act poorly. It sounds like you want to get her back for excluding you when what you should do is be an example of how a classy woman behaves. 

She shouldn’t have been made a bridesmaid, but that ship has sailed. If your bridesmaids are invited then as a bridesmaid she should be invited. The upside is that if she’s a mom and you guys aren’t close she probably will opt out of some of the stuff, especially if you make it clear they are optional. 

Post # 21
Member
1220 posts
Bumble bee

I usually agree with the Bees but I’m actually against general opinion here. It is easy to say that you should have held strong and refused to make her a Bridesmaid or Best Man, but you were really put on the spot with the way she asked you about it in front of FIs family and saying no would not only have impacted your relationship with her but with the rest of your ILs. However, you don’t like her, she doesn’t seem to like you and including her in all the Bridesmaid or Best Man events might actually take away from your pleasure at these events.

If there are Bridesmaid or Best Man activities she can’t avoid finding out about (e.g. the sleepover the night before the wedding), then unfortunately you do have to extend the invitation. I like mishybear : ‘s wording for that.

However, if there are activities that she wouldn’t find out about unless you explicitly invited her, I say don’t ruin your day by having her there.  You do need to maintain a cordial relationship with her and ideally it will develop into something warmer over time, but unless you actually will feel positive about having her present, rather than resentful, I don’t think you need to go out of your way to wedge her into this exciting time.

Post # 22
Member
69 posts
Worker bee

Just wanted to add that from what you’ve said about how she has treated you and names she has called you, well just (((hugs))) and I am always aware that there is at least one if not 2 more sides to this story, so just maybe something to consider that in any kind of conflict rarely is one party completely to blame.

And I think you mentioned that your Fiance told you she called you a b____. Just some advice from an older bee…you two need to sort this asap. It does no good for him to tell you these things except to cause hurt and even more divide. The truth is sometimes over-rated.

You think when you marry it’s just the person you are madly in love with, but whether you are close or not, they will be his family forever and therefore part of your life forever. Tough stuff and kind of complicated…my heart goes out to you in dealing with all of this. Remember though, you can never go wrong to take the high road…think Michele Obama…when they go low we go high!

Post # 23
Member
953 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

The important thing to realize here is that if you go through with these plans, you will literally be treating her in the exact same manner that was so hurtful to you. I get that you’re in a crappy position, but is that the kind of person you want to be? If you made her a Bridesmaid or Best Man, grin and bear it and include her in the bridal party activities. 

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