Post # 1
So I haven’t been here long but I wonder the following: How often do you read post about women “ruining” the surprise, or pushing too much, or money issues (etc.) and wonder if he is telling the truth or just avoiding saying “I don’t want to marry you”?
I feel this is a difficult question because some guys are being completely honest and some aren’t. How on earth is a girl supposed to separate the two?
Are their clues?
Do you even look for clues or close your eyes, say you love and trust this dude, and ignore any evidence to the contrary?
If you don’t believe him, does that mean you love him any less?
Note: I know somebody is going to take this personally. It really isn’t meant to be (though if it walks like a duck…) I am just curious.
Post # 3
@subtlebee: I think that all can be valid reasons, but I think things like “you messed up my plan and now I don’t want to marry you anymore” is a bunch of hooey. If they say something like “You messed up my plans so now you’ll have to wait a couple more months so I can plan something special” then that’s okay I guess.
I used to think that pressure was a bunch of hooey too, but after my friends told me to back off my SO and looking back on how much I harassed my SO I think that pressure is sometimes valid and sometimes not. It is hard to want to do something when someone is breathing down your neck to DO IT DO IT NOW! Guys just need to be ready on their own, and all the pressure in the world isn’t going to hurry it up. Some might cave and say okay fine let’s get married, but I don’t think anyone really wants that. Pressure just slows them down from getting there on their own sometimes, but other times it’s just the kick in the pants that they need.
Money issues can be valid too, but not if he is spending money on buying a new boat etc. and he says he doesn’t have money for a ring.
So, I guess it depends on the situation – everyone knows their SO best, and so they need to judge the situation on their own.
Post # 4
@MariaW: ok, but how do girls know when its an excuse v. truth. A guy can buy stuff and still save and a guy can say it’ll be a few months and just come up with another excuse. How can you avoid wasting time waiting/walking away because you pegged it wrong?
Post # 5
@subtlebee: I don’t know, I guess it depends what your relationship with your SO is like, and the kind of person he is. Sometimes it’s really obvious, and other times it isn’t – I’d say only you can be the judge of that. There are also all these ideas of how things shouldn’t be this hard or this way or whatever, and if he really wanted to do it he would move mountains and fight dragons and such, but that isn’t how it is for everyone. I’ve had friends have zero problems with waiting only to have everything fall apart months later, and others who had a miserable time with waiting, and had to break up and issue ultimatums and what not, who are extremely happy now that they are married. I guess my point is that there are many different paths to get there, and that sometimes things are a little more complicated, and that’s okay.
Post # 6
“How can you avoid wasting time waiting/walking away because you pegged it wrong?”
Be in a mutually respectful relationship where you don’t play silly games with each other?
Just a thought.
Post # 8
The only way i think to tell an excuse with the truth is to trust your own woman’s intuition.
Post # 9
Haha, how ’bout all 3!!!! He complained for the longest time about not having enough money to buy me a ring, despite my reminders that he technically had almost 6 years to save up for one. He also would tell me he had a “plan” and that he didn’t want me to keep “pushing” the issue and mess it up. He wasn’t thrilled with the “pressure” I was putting on him.
Thankfully he has said he’s going to propose by the end of the year, and I believe him. He actually told his grandfather, to try to cheer him up (SO’s grandmother passed away in July, grandfather is 92 and not doing well unfortunately). So now I’m just trying to be patient and avoid bringing it up so he can keep his “surprise” a secret 🙂
ETA: I don’t believe he used those things as excuses, per se. They are all valid reasons for waiting to propose. That and of course the fact that he’s scared of marriage and of change. Not a good combo!
Post # 10
I would have to say if your SO is serious about marrying you, then he should be willing to have a timeline that he sticks too. If he tellls you “before New Years” and New Years comes with no ring, then I would doubt his commitment. If he says within a year of graduating college and that time passes with no ring, I would doubt his commitment.
Even if age is a factor and they don’t want to get married before they’re 25 or 30, then they should be able to talk to you about that and both of you agree on a timeline.
If marriage is important to me and I was ready and he wasn’t, we would have to agree to a timeline that he stuck too. Otherwise you risk wasting the best years of your life on someone that will never commit.
Post # 11
If someone wants to get engaged/married then I don’t think there ever is a truly valid reason for not doing it. All an engagement technically requires is 4 words. (some think a ring – and even if that’s the case, you can find a ring on the cheap to “seal the deal”). As for marriage, it requires two people being present at a courthouse during the hours of 9-5 and somewhere around $50 for the marriage license.
Post # 12
@subtlebee: It really depends on so many factors, age of the couple, stages in life, career and financial standings, length of relationship. Every individual is ready for marriage at different points, or want to accomplish certain things before taking that step. Some relationships have more open commuincation about the future on a regular basis, some don’t.
In my opinion, there will be signs showing the difference between a relationship headed for marriage or a relationship where the guy or girl is just comfortable and stalling ending things. Only those invovled in the relationship can even try to determine where things stand.
I think if you really can’t tell the difference between being in a healthy relationship that has marriage in the future or a dead end one, then chances are you’re inot with the right person.
I knew within a few months that me and my Fiance would end up getting married. We were always open and honest with eachother and had no problems discussing marriage, kids or the future for us in general.
In that type of relationship, you are going to know pretty early on if age, life stages, finanacial standings, etc are going to be something you need to take into consideration.
Post # 13
To me, they are all excuses. My opinion will not be popular, but here it is:
There isn’t much romance in me, so I don’t see the necessity of a surprise proposal, or a ring that costs more than what you can afford right now.
I believe that as soon as both people agree that they want to spend their lives together, they should be engaged. In that case, there is no pushing since both are ready and do it right away. No surprise proposal to be ruined. No need to save money for a ring. About a year (or less or more, whatever you want) to plan a wedding within your means, again, money is a non issue.
So, yeah… All excuses to me. If you’re both ready to commit, nothing should stand in the way.
Post # 14
@MariaW: that is very well said. even though it is helpful to read about others experiences, every situation is just soooo different.
it also comforts me knowing even if I had the surprise proposal I wish I had a year ago, it’s no guarantee thing would have worked out for the better. Not to take away from those who had it, it is definitely the nicest way to start out a marriage. But I am going to try to stop beating him up for draggingg it out, it is not helping anything.
Post # 15
@MrsWBS +1 As a friend told me once, a man that wants to get married would even be open to heading to the Justice of the Peace tomorrow if so desired…but I agree there’s a difference between needing additional time/money to do things a certain way vs. stalling. Another girlfriend realized her beau was stalling after 5 years. He basically gave her a list of things he wanted her to accomplish before they got married…and some of the items were damn near impossible (in her opinion) and it finally hit her that he doesn’t want to get married.
Post # 16
@Waitingtoexhale: I wrote somewhere on here about how I felt that waiting has taken away something from the whole proposal part of things, but to be honest (and it’s just been a few days) I don’t know if I feel like that anymore. I never thought I’d find someone as wonderful as my SO. I thought I’d find someone nice that I loved and everything, but he has exceeded everything I ever imagined, and I now think that whatever happens will be just perfect for us. =)
P.S. I wouldn’t beat your SO up anymore about the proposal part of things. Like I said, it’s nice, but not THE thing needed to start a good marriage. Then again I’m not engaged so really I don’t know how much I would trust me. I just know that I’m SO much more happier now that I’ve laid off the whole thing, and I do feel like my SO is getting there in his own time, and once he’s there we can hold hands and move on to the next step together. And if for some reason or another he doesn’t get there, my life will still be wonderful and I’ll still be amazing and having had him in my life will have made me a better person.
Sorry for the long post!