Excuses men use to delay marriage

posted 10 months ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
6356 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

allenb :  I don’t think #2 is the same as all these others. I think that’s a legitimate reason to not get engaged. Some people are ready for things at different times and just because one partner IS ready doesn’t mean the other one not being ready is automatically bullshit.

And yes, I’ve been with guys who say they’re “not ready” after dating me for years and then suddenly are ready right away with their next girlfriend. It doesn’t mean they were lying to me or purposefully trying to lead me on and give me false hope. It’s just that I wasn’t the one for them and probably didn’t even realize how ready they could be until the right person came along. I say this all the time on here but I actually never realized how wrong my ex and I were for each other until I started dating my husband and realized how amazingly easy relationships can/should be. 

Post # 19
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

if YOU LOVE ME whats the rush. 

Everyone in my family has got divorced 

It cost so much money

I want to surprise you

The first is the one that stung the most becuase honestlly – have no come back other than BECAUsE i want it now!

Post # 20
Member
6356 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

allenb :  I agree sometimes they say they’re not ready when deep down they know they will never marry the person. I know someone who did this and got a lecture from his mother about it! But I think 9/10 they honestly have no idea why they’re not ready. They just aren’t. And they possibly find out later it was because they were with the wrong person. 

Post # 22
Member
4290 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

allenb :  I’ve been pretty lucky in the fact that the only guy I ever wanted to marry wanted to marry me right back with the same level of enthusiasm and within the same timeline.

However, my husband’s brother came to visit this weekend and he’s been with his girlfriend for six years and they have some serious relationship issues that stem from her end that are not being dealt with. She’s initiated the marriage talk, given him the come to me when you are ready to buy a ring speech but I literally heard him say a few of the excuses you gave as examples in the four days he came to stay. Very worrying! My husband pretty much sat down with him for a private talk after hearing all that. Honestly, even if they do manage to make it down the aisle I don’t see longevity in their future. 

On here we seem to demonize the guys lots for the excuses given especially on the waiting board.My Brother-In-Law is a nice guy and I know he loves his girlfriend but sometimes loving someone isn’t enough to make a successful relationship. He’s not hesitant because he’s an asshole hell bent on making her miserable and dragging out what I think is the inevitable. He honestly deep down knows that maybe they are not compatible but still hasn’t worked up the courage to leave because he loves so much about her and doesn’t want to hurt her. As I’ve said they have some huge issues in their relationship from her end. (I actually like her lots so its not a case of taking his side)

Excuses are never good but the person making them isn’t always an asshole. It’s symptomatic that the relationship isn’t right. I’m sure a lot of people who have lived through a relationship where both parties were not on the same page regarding marriage have now moved on to find a relationship where marriage is on the cards without too much fuss or roadblocks and can probably look back on past relationships and can clearly see they were not right. Simply put if you’re hearing excuses its not a good fit and as hard as it is to accept, it’s time to walk.

Post # 23
Member
2545 posts
Sugar bee

azf0019 :  I said that. Because I believe it’s true. 

My husband dated a girl for 5 years prior to meeting me. He said he knew she wanted a ring, but he wasn’t ready. Why? He was old enough. He was waiting, but he couldn’t articulate this sentiment to the gf, and so eventually they broke up. I came along. 5 months later we were engaged.

This is just my story, but there are tons like this. Tons. It’s important to realize that it doesn’t make woman #1 any better or worse than woman #2. It’s all about perception.

Personally, I think men are waiting for someone that they know won’t hang around indefinitely.  This woman will just be gone, she has options that don’t include him.(I never understood the point of telling your SO your walk date. You’re the one who’s leaving, not him) He’s not the center of this woman’s world that she’s counting on to rescue her from singlehood. Far from it.

I was still dating someone else when I met my husband and went out with him. He was not, and he told me this. I replied “Good”. Because it was good- for me, that is. I still remember the small smile on his face with my reply. He knew he wasn’t the only game in town and he was up for the challenge. I know some people will get their panties in a wad about seeing 2 (or 3) men at once. But I highly recommend it. I already had one proposal that I ended, and another that I weaseled out of by saying it was too soon….but I knew that I meant no way ever. I was not in a hurry to tie myself down again.

I know that this is only my experience, and as such it doesn’t count for much, but I’ve seen it over and over with other women I know, and it’s just as sad every time. T his isn’t some Rules $h!t. It’s not game playing. It’s looking out for yourself, first and foremost. When he wants to commit himself AND you want to commit, then you can be exclusive. And buying a house or getting a dog isn’t commitment. 

 

Post # 24
Member
4290 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

llevinso :  Exactly what I was trying to say with my post but couldn’t quite articulate it as well as you did….

Post # 25
Member
1659 posts
Bumble bee

sunburn :  I’ve seen this. Ive seen couples in 3, 4, 5+ year relationships where the man straight up admits to me that he has no plans to marry her and that he is still actively looking for someone else. In some of these situations he ends up marrying her (because, as he admits, the other women he pursued turned him down), and often they break up as he pursues one of the other women. It’s terrible, but I see it. 

Post # 26
Member
1778 posts
Buzzing bee

sunburn :  I totally agree. It’s so sad to see women putting up with being strung along for 8-10 years, wasting their youth on men who are simply using them as placeholders. I think, if anything, this just reinforces the man’s resistance to getting married. Why should he? It’s not like she’s going anywhere—so why not remain comfortable until he decides he’d rather be with “ms. perfect”? 

 

I also agree with keeping the walk date to yourself. I think telling a man your walk date sets you up for a pity proposal, which is just a whole different can-o-worms that no one wants to deal with. I think looking out for #1 is the best thing a woman can do for herself, and always keep the confidence that if this guy doesn’t wanna marry her, there’s a shit ton of other men out there who cannot *wait* to choose her! 

Post # 27
Member
45 posts
Newbee

One of my girl friend’s bf gives the excuse: because my dad left/divorced my mom?

How does that make sense as an excuse to him? Ok so don’t leave your wife.

Post # 28
Member
9354 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2016

He has a lot of “baggage” from his previous relationship. 

He’s very “analytical” by nature and always has to weigh the pros and cons befor he can make a decision. 

He’s never had healthy role models.

 *** Not excuses I heard but shit I’ve read here a million times.

Post # 29
Member
362 posts
Helper bee

I’ve heard “it’s just a piece of paper!” so often from my friends’ SOs!

Post # 30
Member
4018 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

sunburn :  love this mentality. I dated 2-3 men at a time continually when I started talking to my husband. I was marriage minded and didn’t want to give all my power to one man, waiting on baited breath for him to choose ME. I had options, I had choices, and eventually my husband won out because of his persistence and strong focus on marriage and family. 

I hate reading the waiting threads, where women become so weak, biting their nails waiting on a proposal thats 3+ years coming. It just makes me sad to see them in such a powerless position, with such low self value.  

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