Excuses men use to delay marriage

posted 3 months ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Member
3034 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

 

HannahGreen :  that’s kind of sad. You have to keep quiet so maybe he’ll propose after 10 years? Hmmm. Have your walking shoes ready.

Post # 47
Member
2260 posts
Buzzing bee

I once talked to a guy who had a girlfriend, and 2 kids with her. About getting married, he said “my brother got divorced and there’s no way I am going through that.”

Of course it is silly if that is the only reason, everybody is different. What I thought was sad was how much this guy must have been holding back in the relationship, from his girlfriend and the kids. Not a wedding, but emotionally. 

Post # 48
Member
375 posts
Helper bee

My ex used to say a lot of these. I hate reading them and thinking about how he strung me along and the reality was, he wasnt truly committed to me. That was the bottom line. He didnt want to marry me, but constantly said he did. That was the worst, why not just be honest about it?? If I had felt he was truly committed I would have given up marriage if he was that opposed to it. Why the constant lies and looking at rings and talking about it, just be honest instead of making me feel not good enough to marry. He used the “I want to do it MY way, not feel pressured” It was like 6 years, enough already! Or another one was when one of our friends would get engaged he would say “They’re not as committed as we are” or “we have a bigger commitment, you have it all” and occasionally I would get “Nothing is ever good enough, you always want more”

I mean sometimes waiting is legit, waiting for a life event or something, but usually I read the waiting boards and feel terrible for the women because i lived through it and know how shitty it makes you feel about yourself. I love that my boyfriend now is excited about marrying me and I know how truly committed he is to me. 

Post # 49
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

The only way this garbage stops is if women stop being so nice and call out the garbage or just straight up leave. Than it’ll change. But until we stop making excuses for dimwit idiots who think we were born yesterday, nothing will change.

Post # 52
Member
325 posts
Helper bee

I was engaged to my abusive ex.  But when we fought, he would “take back” the engagement and say we fight too much, YOU need to work on xyz, etc. Meanwhile, he was unemployed and doing drugs.

Another thing to look out for is a guy who feels “pressured” by the conversation and wants to do it on his own timeline.  Red flag.

Post # 53
Member
1314 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I think the main problem is that so many people are codependent and are not able to see their self-worth if they’re alone. Kids have started “dating” younger and younger and they have no experience being independent individuals. There’s a post on this site where a Bee talks about having been in a relationship with someone since they were 13.

If people valued themselves, knew their self-worth, and had developed important life skills as an individual, they would be less likely to need the validation and social acceptance that being in a relationship offers. Then, if that well adjusted person was in a relationship that kept them from being alone and single, but was not meeting their needs and wasn’t the lifelong partnership they desire, they would be strong enough to end it and move on. Too many people latch on to the first person who dates them, and then they’re unwilling to let the relationship end. Eventually they end up in a sunk cost fallacy.

This has only gotten worse with social media and the constant exposure to celebrities and the wide availability of viewing what other people portray of their lives, which is all too often not actually reality.

My hope is that one day men and women alike will be empowered to be happy within themselves, rather than seeking happiness solely in others. This will enable them to learn to prioritize their own health and happiness, able to make relationship decisions without the worry of what others will think if their single, and the worry of how their life will be perceived by others.

Post # 56
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

Happened to my best friend.   5 years in to dating a lot of people asked she wasy were getting married soon.   She just said she didn’t want to get married and he made excuses.  

He confined to mutual friends he didn’t want to marry my friend.     She knew it, she told me it broke her heart and she felt worthless but she loved the guy.   Other people asked where was the ring and he replied “We bought a house together, that means more then getting married.”

One time I asked him why he hadn’t proposed yet (this was going on to year 10 of their relationship) he said it was because my friend wanted a $6000 ring and he didn’t want to spend that kind of money.  

I knew my friend was happy with a cheap ring from a mass produced jewellery store.  My friend told me she would love to get married but because she loves the guy to much she was willing to just settle as a life partner.  

Honestly I don’t know what happened but later on in the year he proposed to her.   They went together and bought a ring, got married within 6 months.    This was 4 years ago.

At a community event I was chatting with them and a person who  knew the guy asked what was happening and the guy announced he was married and that he had been with my friend for 10 years before he proposed.  

The person asked “Who was holding out you or her?”   Guy blushed and said “It was me.”  He fessed up to it.

They are happy and more in love then ever but it was hard sitting on the sidelines watching my friend being sad.  

Post # 57
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee

knotyet :  people in my grandparents’ generation generally got married around ages 18-22, so I’m not sure how the current generation is less independent than the ones that came before them. 

Post # 58
Member
1086 posts
Bumble bee

Well… I had a guy say “we can’t be together because we fight too much… and my parents NEVER fought. You don’t get married to people you fight with”.

Odd thing is… we rarely if ever fought (I was a pushover). Think the last and maybe only time we “fought” we got in a small tissy over him being lazy about not looking for stuff right in front of his face and always making me stop what I am doing to walk right over to him and find it. Dude was so butthurt for telling him to not do that anymore he started hitting himself in the head. LOL. This guy also said that his family told him to not marry an only child… since he was an only child.. because he had to make compromises and wouldn’t always get what he wanted. WEIRD dude. Don’t know what I was thinking!

He is married now… but that poor girl must put up with a lot of stupid behavior and antics. I feel lucky he found her and cheated on me with her! That is a serious statement. 

Post # 59
Member
1198 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

If anyone says “it’s just a piece of paper”, ask them how they can say they supposedly love you so much but won’t even get a piece of paper to make you happy.  Oh so it’s NOT just a piece of paper? My point exactly.

Post # 60
Member
1314 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

curiouscat2017 :  Think of how things have changed from past generations. In our grandparent’s generation, you had to fend for yourself. Technology wasn’t what it is today. People had to work hard for a living, usually including a lot of physical labor, there was more emotional maturity and more expected of people from a young age, the life expectancy was shorter too. The average age for a child to move out of a parent’s house has steadily increased. I know some married couples who are still on their parents’ phone plans.

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