Post # 76
Also want to add – lol since this is a topic I have lots to say about- that a guy is totally allowed to have his own timeline, his own goals. We all are. So he’s totally within his rights to never want marriage or to want to finish school before thinking of engagement or to want to live together first or to not want to be engaged until he’s 30. But what he needs to do is communicate honestly and clearly where he stands. You don’t believe in marriage? Fine (seriously, no snark) but this is something you make clear in the early stages of dating, this is not a fourth-year-mark conversation.
If you have open and honest conversations with your partner about where your head is at, what your own timeline is, what your own goals are, then your partner has the necessary information to make her own decision based on what you’ve told her. But it’s unfair and even cruel to simply tell her what she wants to hear simply to stall her while you continue to get your own way.
Post # 77
RobbieAndJuliahaha : +1000
The problem with so many of these men we hear about on the waiting boards isn’t that they’re noncommital; it’s that they’re not honest about it. They won’t just straight up tell their partner, “I’m just not ready for marriage and I honestly don’t know if ever will be. I can’t give you a timeline because I truly don’t know if I’ll ever want to marry you. I know it’s not what you want to hear, and I understand if it’s not good enough for you.”
They don’t say this because they know if they did, their gf might leave, blowing up their world. So they take the coward’s approach and beat around the bush, complaining of feeling “pressured” or needing to save more money for some fancy ring their gf has repeatedly said she doesn’t even care about – always dangling the carrot to buy themselves a bit more time so they can continue having their cake and eating it too.
Post # 78
And to just keep waiting YEARS for a proposal? That does something to your mind to the point that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. ” He won’t marry me so no one else will” and the woman won’t dump the jerk for fear of not finding anyone else. People can be dating, engaged and married in the time frame some of these women wait. Patience is not always a virtue.
Post # 79
tiffanybruiser : “The problem with so many of these men we hear about on the waiting boards isn’t that they’re noncommital; it’s that they’re not honest about it.”
This is exactly it. Your entire post hits the nail on the head. They’re enjoying having their cake and eating it too, so they dangle the carrot to keep things the way they are. It’s an incredibly selfish mindset to do this to someone.
Post # 80
Right after I got engaged I was at work and chatting with three volunteers who had been married for over 120 years combined at that point. Every single one of them said the proposal happened because the woman put her foot down and said it was proposal or bust. This is not a new phenomenon, people!
Post # 81
babeba : I actually don’t know any couples like that.
Post # 82
RobbieAndJuliahaha : this!
One problem though is that sometimes these people don’t know they are not being honest since they are tricking themselves. When something doesn’t make sense to you, it’s easier to put it down to something like not being ready. Sometimes it’s about being a jerk, lying, making excuses or “eating cake” but sometimes they are just lying to themselves and not going deep inside to understand the reasons and looking for logical answers that they can believe.
Post # 83
Yeah I don’t think they’re always lying or manipulating. Sometimes they don’t know what’s holding them back or they are too cowardly to break it off themselves.
Post # 84
It can be extraordinarily hard to break up with someone when the day to day is mostly fine, but something just feels off. You wonder– will that feeling come eventually? And then when that person asks you, you don’t know how to explain it. Is the problem that person or you? Some people really aren’t the marrying kind. Some people haven’t found the right person yet. How do you know which one you are?
So on some level, I get it. I don’t think they’re trying to be malicious. But if you care for someone you need to be honest with them about where your head is at so they can make an informed decision.
Post # 85
RobbieAndJuliahaha : Yes, yes and yes. I would apreciate much more man’s honest answer ( even the one that would upset me) rather than hearing a bunch of excuses.
Post # 86
rez123 : sharkey38 : curiouscat2017 : Agree, not every guy who doesn’t know what’s holding him back is being deliberately deceitful, he may genuinely not know- or to give him the benefit of the doubt, not even realize…..like that infamous thread on here where the Bee turned down the guy’s proposal after waiting too long had changed her feelings.
But the guys who say shit they don’t mean, making timelines they don’t intend on keeping, taking their partners window shopping for rings insincerely as a means for buying time, shutting them up, even gaslighting their partners by turning it into their fault for bringing it up and ruining it- these guys are a different breed than the genuinely-does-not-know-why-he’s-not-ready guys. I guess the big difference would be deliberate deceit vs honest hesitation. If a guy is hesitant, that’s fine, he just has to own it instead of selling the poor misled OP a fancy shut-her-up-for-now package of lies and empty promises.
Post # 87
allenb : Yes, exactly this. Even if it wasn’t what we wanted to hear, at least we’d know.
Post # 88
It seems all the shows we’ve been watching lately have had weddings in them.
So I asked him “when’s our wedding going to be”
He said, “when you propose..”
Yeah right… he would freak out if I did that
Post # 89
nikke2bee : I would call his bluff and actually propose! Haha.
Post # 90
allenb : I’ve heard excuses 1 & 3