Post # 106
Every waiting post lately has been all “leave him” and it’s just sad to see
I really don’t think that is quite true. While it IS true there are a lot of ‘leave him’ posts, they are not replies to women whose SO’s are 23, or still in college ,unemployed etc etc. They tend to be to women who have been waiting anxiously and often resentfully for YEARS , commonly reaching seriously low levels of self esteem.
Many seem unable to fathom the idea that they are co-equals in their shared life journey , and believe the nonsense that trying to even raise the topic is ‘nagging’, ‘ pushing’, ‘pressuring’ and so forth . They cry when alone , they are miserable and unhappy and deeply envious of siblings and friends whe are engaged and married They know their reproductive biology is finite.
I seriously dunno about suggesting that they hang on , keep faith etc until the man is good and ready (maybe ) usually while he has everything he wants out of the relationship except, of course, he wishes she’d shut the fuck up about marriage…..
I think that’s what’s sad to see.
Post # 107
Really interesting discussions. Outside of these boards, I’ve known a number of men / guy friends who didn’t propose until they’ve been together for 10 years and others who didn’t propose and they broke up. I have no idea what they said to the women when they asked about marriage or pushed for marriage, but I know the majority of those relationships had/have issuesz And I do know either through the guys or the women themselves that the women had been asking them about getting married for a long while.
It just seems like the guys are hesitant about the commitment when the relationship still had issues. But at the same time are conflict avoidant and still see a lot of good things about the relationship that they don’t want to initiate a break up. Because of the weird tradition that men are supposed to propose, they also don’t want to initiate that, they want to wait and see if things get better before they do.
No doubt some of those posts on the boards are men who have commitment issues. But I think most of these cases I saw in real life are just a combination of incompatibility (at least to some degree) and insisting on working it out.
Post # 108
Maybe this is too formulaic for some, but I generally think that if you’re at the point in your relationship where you’re picking up on someone’s “excuses” not to marry you, it’s time to have a serious talk, regardless of the possibility of marriage. Even the most iron-clad logic can seem like a flimsy cop-out when you feel insecure in the relationship (or in yourself), and a genuine flimsy cop-out can be a real indication of incompatibility. Either way, it’s an indication that something has to change.
And I know this is probably a wildly unpopular opinion on here, but in my opinion the same goes for situations in which you find yourself laying out your feelings to strangers on the internet rather than to your partner’s face—that in and of itself is a red flag. Both of these things seem to indicate a lack of equality and safety within a relationship.
Post # 109
When they say “I’m not ready yet” but they’ve been with their girlfriend for years, own a house and a dog together and basically get all the benefits of marriage without having to commit. That drives me nuts!
Post # 110
These are all the excuses I heard from my ex…we had known eachother for 15 years, were together for 2 and lived together for 1.Everytime we talked about it we fought and he got very defensive and angry. I ended up leaving him.
– I dont have a timeline, you cant put a timeline on things like this
– You are so impatient, you need to just learn to to patient
– It costs so much to get married and have a family let me make more money
– At one point he actually tried to convince me that I did not actually want the marriage, house and kids life, I should focus on building my career instead
– Last but not least, the classic “marriage is just a piece of paper”
Post # 111
Excuses men use to delay the marriage: The man is hiding a secret:
–He is actually bisexual and he is trying to figure out what gender he likes the best.
–He is actually gay and he is afraid to tell the truth because he might get rejected by his own family.
–He just wants a companion with benefits.
–He is waiting for someone better to come along.
–He is already married and living a double life.
–He has no intention of marrying her. He is using her for financial reasons.
Post # 112
“I just switched to a new team, trying to finish xyz project, and this guy in my team is not collaborating…”
After 3 years together: “we need to get to know each other better.”
Post # 113
“I don’t have enough money for a ring” was my ex’s excuse. Yes he did have a low paying job, but he spent $40 on a cardboard game card. Someone who is struggling financially will anything possible to save up for a ring. 4+ years later he isn’t even engaged (yes I stalked his social media) and he has been seeing someone for quite a awhile. I met FH after he met his gf and I’m engaged to someone I love and someone who made the engagement happen.