(Closed) exes at your wedding??

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
314 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I’m completely with you on this one.

My husband has remained friends with his ex (they were together for 9 years). I met her shortly after we started dating, and we run into her occasionally at  parties/social events. But … it’s awkward for both of us (her and me). She’s great, I’m great, we’re friendly towards one another, but “it” is still out there and I doubt we’ll ever be any closer than passing acquaintances.

I know that my husband felt strange excluding her (she also expressed disappoitment at not being invited) but there was no way I was ever going to be okay with her attending our wedding.

As cordial as she and I may be, I always feel a strangeness in the air when we’re occupying the same space and I did NOT want to feel that way at my own wedding. I also didn’t think that our wedding was the appropriate place for her to reconnect with his immediate and extended family. This was the day that I became a member of the family; not her chance to re-establish her previous connections to them. And, this is childish I’ll admit, I didn’t need to put myself through the agony of: “Is she imagining herself in my place?” My husband and I are very solid, and she’s in a serious relationship herself, but that’s just the way it is!

I completely stand by you on this, and your Fiance needs to do the same. Future Mother-In-Law may be friends with these families, but she should consider her FDIL’s feelings about who gets invited to her own wedding and follow your cues on this.

 

Post # 4
Member
166 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I totally agree with you that in most circumstances the exes have NO place at the wedding. If his mom wants to invite the families well I’d tell her to shove it and you don’t feel comfortable with FI’s exes at your special day.

Funny story though, Fiance and I are inviting my ex and his family to our wedding but more as a joke then actually expecting anyone to attend. Ex is the one who technically introduced us so we feel like it’s only fair to extend an invitation to the person who started this whole thing. (Ex was Fiance at the time when I met Fiance #2 and had asked Fiance #2 to be his Bridesmaid or Best Man at our wedding) Funny how life works out.

Post # 5
Member
873 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

If you are uncomfortable with it, then NO WAY.  I would never be okay with an ex at the wedding!! (Mine or his!)

Post # 6
Member
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Well I do know where you are coming from in the aspect of questioning if it’s your wedding or your MIL’s? Keep your foot down and stay firm. Go with your gut it is YOUR wedding and YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TO FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE at your wedding.

As a side note, my ex will be going to our wedding. But Dani knows him and we’ve got to visit and stay with them before in France and they’ve come and stayed and visited us in Seville. So I think that we’ve gone way beyond the relationship and it’s all good.

 

Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

Yep, it’s your wedding and you get to invite who you want! It gets tricky when financial considerations come into it (i.e. Future Mother-In-Law is paying $X and therefore we should invite some people she wants) but really I think you’ve got a pretty good argument for not inviting these people. I assume you have no relationship with these people (the exes or their parents) in which case no need to invite them. I also assume the exes are adults no longer living with their parents in which case how WIERD would it be for them to be included on their parents’ invitation? I would find that so odd especially if it was for an ex’s wedding! Stand your ground, you shouldn’t have to feel uncomfortable at your own wedding 🙂

Post # 8
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

J and I talked about this, and in the end, some exes made the guest list, and others didn’t. For us, the deciding factors were 1) whether the ex still has any sort of feelings for (one of) us (i.e. my crazy stalker ex isn’t invited), 2) whether things ended on good or bad terms (i.e. his crazy ex who used him as a ride across the country to a mutual friends’ wedding then dumped him the day they got home to move in with someone else is sure as heck not invited), and whether the ex treats (the other one of) us weird or not (i.e. his high school girlfriend is my friend, plus friends with ALL of our mutual friends, and we get along great, thus, she’s invited – same situation for another guy I dated).

It’s really more of a case-by-case thing than any hard and fast rule. Go with what you and your Fiance are comfortable with, not what his mom wants.

Post # 9
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I totally agree.  I had an ex who was shocked to not be invited even though he lives out of state and we only have occasional email contact.  I wouldn’t even consider inviting exes.

Post # 10
Member
1490 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

If you’re not comfortable with them, then that really needs to be taken into account. I’m a firm believer in the couple having control over the guest list. As for exes… mine was my man of honor.

Post # 11
Member
314 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

@cheerful: Good on you! I think it’s really nice when exes can maintain a good relationship after a breakup. I’ve never been able to manage it myself, but I do respect it.

Post # 12
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

My fiance and I made a rule early on in the planning process that no exes would be invited to the wedding. Neither one of us want to feel uncomfortable at our OWN wedding.

Post # 13
Member
412 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m friends with one of my exes and another is actually a friend of the family as well.  I would never invite either of them as it might make my fiance uncomfortable.  If it’s weird at all when you see them in person, why would you want them there on your biggest day?

Post # 14
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I think it totally depends on the relationships that each of you has with your exes. If you still are friends with some of them and see/talk to them on a semi-regular basis and it isn’t unreasonable to invite them. Just make sure you both talk to each other about any exes you are thinking of inviting so it’s not a surprise. I thought I might be a little uncomfortable with one of my husband’s exes there (even though she still hangs out in our group of friends), I had so much going on was too busy and happy to be uncomfortable. Don’t forget, there’s a reason they are an ex and you are the fianceé.

Post # 15
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

My fiance’s ex-girlfriend is one of my bridesmaids.  They’ve been such close friends for such a long time and she and I have become close as well.  Do what you want to do for your wedding, but one bit of advice:  if your fiance is close to his ex, you should be as well.  Yes, it can be awkward a bit at first, but once you get passed that, she could wind up being someone who you want to have around. 

Post # 16
Member
1490 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

PlaidBride, I’m totally with you. That’s exactly our situation. My ex is good friends with my husband as well. Thanks for the kudos, million!

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