Post # 1
Ok, I am new to the boards but I need some advice, desperately.
I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years. I am 37 and he is 32. We have both been married once before and have children. I have 2 and he has 1. We live about 35 miles apart and spend weekends and usually one night during the week together. My children love him, and his loves me. Everything is good there. They all are wondering when we are going to take the next step.
We have talked about getting married and he says he wants to marry me, but he is one of these men who just drags his feet on everything. It takes him forever to make up his mind to do something. I am just the opposite. I make up my mind and then I work towards getting what I want. I am very driven.
I am just so sick of waiting on him to make up his mind that it’s time. I hate that I have no control over this. It is totally killing my self esteem. I don’t feel like he has “chosen” me. I feel like I am auditioning for a part I’m never going to get. I am getting so resentful over this, that it is ruining my relationship. I don’t know how to stop it.
I want out lives to begin together. I feel like we are in a limbo phase. I hate only seeing each other on the weekends. That leaves little time for friends and family. Frankly, I am exhausted over all the packing and commuting and I just don’t know when it’s ever going to end. I am sick of talking on the phone for hours during the day. I want him to be here with me so we can have every day time with each other.
I have watched several other friends of mine who started dating when we did get married and move on with their lives. I am so ready for that to be us. I feel like if he is not 100% sure at this point, he is never going to be. He knows everything about me, there is nothing more to learn. I have told him all this. He knows how I feel. We have even talked about the kind of wedding we want but in my heart of hearts, I think he likes things the way they are.
I just don’t know what to do. I keep thinking about that song ” if it don’t come easy, you gotta let it go”..
Post # 3
How long have ya’ll been divorced? And how long have you been dating?
I know that it took a bit for my SO to come around about his feelings for me, especially because his ex-wife left him and he had some healing to do before he felt like he could comfortably talk about a new future.
Post # 4
You do have some control. Propose to him.
Post # 5
@Torrid: We have been dating 3 1/2 years. He has been divorced for 7 years and I have been for 6. It did take him a while to tell me he loved me and he does talk about a future with me. I just have no idea if our timelines are anywhere on the same page because he just says it will happen someday. About every couple of months here lately, I have a meltdown over this situation.
Post # 6
@Talishazwi: I know I could do that, but that’s just not the way I wanted it to happen. I don’t think he would like that either.
Post # 7
@camauren: You need to have a long discussion about timelines, then. You guys need to come to an agreement, because being together for 3.5 years and being divorced for even longer is plenty of time. You need to have a frank discussion about your wants and needs.
But there’s also the possibility that he may not want to get married again. Some people just never get over the event, and it can poison future relationships.
Post # 8
3.5 years seems long enough to know, I’m sure it’s the jittery been divorced feelings holding him back. And I agree, he may never be ready again. All I can suggest is a conversation where you tell him that it’s not fair to you or the kids to keep dating without any idea where it is going. If you truly think that it’s not going anywhere, maybe it’s time to start rocking the boat. You say you are tired of not seeing friends/family on weekends, well, start making plans with them that your SO can join or not.
You might also considering moving closer to him so you don’t have the commute (but honestly, I don’t think a 35 minute commute is really bad at all. Before my bf and I moved in together, we were 45 mins apart by T. I’ve also lived in CA where everything is far apart.) How old are the girls, how would they feel about being uprooted? I’m less enthusiastic about this because if things between you work out it means 2 moves in the upcoming future.
ETA: I know you said you don’t want a proposal to happen by you proposing, but you also don’t like the current situation you’re in. You may need to decide which is worse. (That said, if he doesn’t want to get married, you proposing won’t change that.)