- 3 years ago
While this post could get really long, I’ll try and keep it as succinct as possible. My fiance and I have been engaged for about 3 weeks. We’ve also simultaneously been going through a bit of a rough patch. We are both sober members of AA, and have been sober for years now (me, 3 years, him, 10). A year and a half into our relationship, he started acting “off” and wasn’t as sweet and attentive. We also started fighting every single weekend. Months later, it emerged that he is battling a demon from the past and past trauma that stems from an old addiction he never dealt with (but hasn’t acted on in a while either) and it has been impacting our relationship.
We’ve lived together since the end of January, and it’s been a struggle. I didn’t know until March what was really going on and he finally got honest with me. It also meant he was “new” in recovery again, which is something that I can empathize with since I know what it’s like to recover and be in early recovery. Anyway, about 2 months ago, I moved out to stay at a friend’s house and give our relationship some breathing room and give him some time to work on his stuff. It was a mutual decision that we thought might help protect our relationship.
He came over one night and asked me to move home, and told me everything I’d wanted to hear. He seemed sincere, and I know he loves me. Then, he asked me to marry him. Not exactly the proposal I was hoping for, but I said yes, with the faith that we would work through things. And he is working his butt off to recover and get well. As I know from personal experience, it’s just not an overnight matter.
It hasn’t exactly been easy. I know that living with someone is hard, but I have this expectation that it should be easy. I also have an expectation that we should be over the moon with each other right now because we’re newly engaged. It isn’t all doom and gloom, but it isn’t all rainbows and unicorns either. I feel like if I could shake this expectation, it might help me get real with our situation. The expectation is making me resentful and sad.
Unfortunately, I don’t have many friends that I can turn to in this area. I don’t know what it’s “supposed to look like” or if that’s even a real thing. Does anyone have any advice? If, it turns out, we should be giddy as teenagers, and we’re not, I think that tells me something. If that’s not a realistic expectation, it would be helpful for me to know, too.
Can anyone help shed light on expectations in this area? Thanks!!