Post # 30
Sounds like you have made your mind up already to be honest. There are options for you and him but it sounds asthough you either are not communicating your frustrations properly with your fiance, that he would disregard your parents in such a way. Or you have already made up your mind and was just using the Hive as a sounding board. Which is perfectly fine.
I literally just last week cancelled our wedding. My parents were going to pay, they are fairly well off and could have afforded it. But my mother railroaded the entire thing and I also came to the conclusion that I did not want to live with the guilt of having had them pay that much money, when it could have been put to better use. My situation is different from yours yes, my mother was being truly horrible, but we also felt that in reality if we wanted to truly own our wedding, we should be paying for it ourselves.
Now thats just in our situation, had my mother been loving and kind and excited about the wedding it would have most likely gone ahead.
But what I am saying here is there are choices. Manage your expectations, you do not have to elope away somewhere to elope. Just hop down to the registrars office with close family and friends and get maried there. Limited cost to your parents, go out for a nice meal afterwards, granny and grandpa can be there. And the most important thing of all… you will be married.
You may not be able to go on a honeymoon this year, your wedding may not be the big white dress and nicely decorated reception that you dreamed of, but if you believe that it can and will be fun it will be. Just because there is an image of weddings held by society it does not mean you have to go that route.
You need to talk with your Fiance more about how you are feeling about this. Unless ofc you have made your mind up and were just sounding off. Which as I said is what the hive is here for. I have done it everyone has.
I don’t think you are being selfish I just think you have not managed your expectations. You say you feel bad about them spending the money yet you do not seem willing to have them not spend the money. So decide if you can live with it. 10K is more than enough to throw a great wedding if you a wise to your budget.
Post # 31
Why was your fiancé so dead set on the traditional way of paying for things? Is it because the bride’s family pays for most things? I get this strange feeling that he is trying to put all the responsibility on your family and that is not fair.
I think that you need to find a venue (or a cheaper one than you have now) and get a per person price, then sit down with both sets of parents and have a frank talk about what they are WILLING to pay for, not what you WANT or EXPECT them to pay for.
Poof, you have your budget. If that means that you get married at the court house and then have a small dinner at a restaurant than that’s what you get, but don’t expect people to foot the bill for extravagance when they don’t have the money for it.
Post # 33
I think I let my Fiance just talk me into the costs. He knew we couldn’t afford it, so he was expecting my parents to pay for it knowing his parents wouldn’t really pitch in. And then in return I began expecting his parents to pay for “what they were responsible for.” ANYWAY, now I just need to get out of this situation. I’m definitely going to look into those rose petals! I think the issue now is I’m stuck with this venue that offers a lot, but as I mentioned before, will come out to be more expensive than I’d like. Especially now. So back to research it is. And then sitting down my Fiance and approaching the issue without him getting super upset.
Thanks! And honestly, I don’t mind if people put me in my place and tell me if I’m selfish. Sometimes I need a reality check. Call me selfish, but offer advice. Don’t just call me selfish and not help – lol. But thanks SO so much for your advice! And I also LOVE Harry Potter and can’t wait to one day visit the park! So I hope you guys have an awesome time!
You’re right. I understand what you’re saying. I like “extravagent” but to me at the end of the day, I just want to be married. My fiance is the one who’s a little more picky (funny, right). But I’ve gotten my reality check (thanks to all you guys!), so it deifnitely seems I’ll need to sit down and give him one. But side note, we’re going to pitch in as much as we can. We were already planning on paying for the rings, paid for our e-session, and I def wanted to find a way to pay for all the extras that didn’t come with the venue.
Thanks for your post! There are definitely some deeper rooted issues in regards to the fiance’s parents. I don’t want to get into it, but that was a majority of the reason I got so upset. This all just happened yesterday so I’m still trying to wrap my mind around everything to figure out what our options are, etc. In addition to what we’ve already committed to. Ideally, this would have all been figured out in the beginning.
Post # 34
I think he was trying to put it off on my parents knowing his wouldn’t be willing to pay a large sum. But great advice! I’m going to give it a week for our emotions to settle down and first and foremost talk to him. And then head to the parents to see what they’re willing to do. And figure it out from there. That’s what we should have done from the beginning. GRR. Oh well.
Post # 35
I agree with Bakerella. If I was in your situation, I think my Fiance and I would choose and fabulous local restaurant, gather our immediate friends and family, have a ceremony and then a beautiful dinner afterward. You could do it for a very reasonable price. You forfeit your deposit on the venue but in the end I bet it could still be cheaper.
Or, if you want to stick with your venue, I would forego other things. Does the hall provide centerpieces? Can you limit your flowers? Do you really need programs for the ceremony? Can you make your own invitiations? Cut costs in certain places. Also, your Fiance should be realistic about what parents can afford.
I am also interested to know if his parents charge you for rent and utilities. If not, I bet they think that they are providing enough for you as it is and this is why they do not feel they should pay for the honeymoon.
Post # 36
I’m going to see what I can do with the current venue & where I can cut costs and take it from there. And yes, we are paying for living with his parents. We were paying a significant sum of money for a while until my fiance cut back to part-time so he can focus on school. So I’m definitely covering for my own expenses right now for living there.
THANKS EVERYONE FOR THE FEEDBACK! You guys all succeeded at putting things into perspective for me, and I’m going to take all of your advice! I was able to vent, express my concern, and I appreciate all of you for listening!
Post # 37
“I’m going to give it a week for our emotions to settle down and first and foremost talk to him. And then head to the parents to see what they’re willing to do. And figure it out from there. That’s what we should have done from the beginning. GRR. Oh well.”
This, to me at least, still sounds as though you both have an expectation that your parents should be paying for (at least part of) this wedding. I understand wanting to be married, and that waiting until you’ve saved up enough to pay for it yourselves might take awhile and is less than ideal to you, but that’s sometimes what has to happen.
DH and I were engaged 2 years by design because we knew we had to save. We set up a high-yield savings account and searched for every deal we could. Any monetary contributions that were given to us were surprises when they were offered and we considered them gifts, not obligations from our parents. I echo the sentiment that you have the wedding you can afford to have, preferably without going into debt – not the one you think (or your Fiance thinks) the parents should “traditionally” pay for. Those guidelines are more than a little antiquated and chauvenistic, IMO.
As far as the honeymoon – we had saved up for an amazing Mediterranean cruise, and then the economy tanked and my husband lost his job. That money was better kept in savings just in case. And we have yet to take that cruise, because no one owes us a honeymoon – we’ll take it when we take it.
Perhaps, if there is a compromise to be worked out with parents on the subject of money for this wedding, you could negotiate a break in your rent until the wedding? Given that you have student loans and a wedding simultaneously? Are your Future In-Laws unwilling to pay for some of this because they have a disapproving stance on how this is being handled – or do they (as your Fiance seems to) think that the bride’s family should pay?
Sorry this got so long. I wish you luck figuring this out with your Fiance.
Post # 38
I really like that idea – see if FI’s parents will ease up on the monthly rent and allow you to put that money toward the wedding.
Really, it sounds like you and Fiance need to have a talk more than anything. It sounds like the miscommunication and expectations were coming from him – not directly from his parents (that they’d be willing to pay for certain things).
Post # 39
So I haven’t been wanting to ask for a cut in our rent, because I just feel bad doing that. I know this post ends up sounding a lot more selfish than I actually am, but in reality, I don’t expect anything from anyone. I think my fiance ended up setting up those specific expectations for me for the wedding, and I was so excited about the whole thing, I didn’t take time to think about it. I know in the end, my dad had offered me that money, and he will refuse to not let me take it. So it seems the only thing I can do now, is crunch some numbers and figure out a way to cut the costs in half and give them a pleasant surprise. It’s too late to delay the wedding and what not, because he wouldn’t let us after promising me that money. In the end, he’s actually happy we’re not putting the engagement off for too long. He’s a HUGE pessimist, so sometimes his reasonings don’t make much sense to me, because I’m the compelte opposite. But otherwise, I need to look into a high-yield savings account. I was definitely planning on saving all the money I get for Christmas & my birthday and putting it towards the wedding, and having my Fiance do the same. As far as why they don’t want to pay for it – his mom said they went to the beach for a week, so they don’t see why they should pay for anything more than that for us. His family has a timeshare at Myrtle Beach, but they all take family vacations to it every year. So I don’t know. I guess what also upsets me is my mom wanted to SERIOUSLY limit the guest list from the beginning, which we can do from our side. But my Fiance was telling me he has a large family and then his mom busted out a crazy list! She swears most of the people won’t show up, but seriously. Is it safe to assume that?
Post # 40
NO! It is NEVER safe to assume that people won’t show up, no matter what someone tells you. If it was, we wouldn’t have RSVPs or the subsequent RSVP drama.
Listen to what we are all telling you – your issue is COMMUNICATION. With everyone – your Fiance (something tells me he is a little clueless when it comes to weddings, their cost and what they entail), your parents, and your in-laws. First and foremost, you need ro figure out what the two of you want and what you can afford and see if they are the same things.
If you are an adult and you are to be married, then you CAN refuse money even under protest, you CAN limit the guest list and you CAN postpone a wedding. There is no such thing as too late to do that. There is such a thing as not wanting to, though – which I can understand.
The trick is, you have to want to step up, take control, COMMUNICATE clearly and effectively and you may even have to be the ones who foot the whole bill if you want that control. Money often comes with strings and expectations attached to it.
We are here to help, but if you ask for it and then don’t take it, don’t be surprised if people get the impression you already have your mind made up.
Post # 41
UGH. Ate my post, then posted both.
Post # 42
Never safe to assume anything. You know what they say; assume makes an ass out of YOU and ME. I wouldn’t assume anyone isn’t going to show up.
Have your parents met each other yet? Maybe everyone, you, your Fi, his parents and your parents should sit down and have a talk together.
Post # 43
No it’s not safe to assume that they won’t show up. These forums and many others that I read are filled with threads of “They told me they won’t come, but they RSVP’d yes! What do I do now?!”.
Honestly when my husband and I decided to get married, our first thought was that we’d be having a courthouse wedding. We had no savings because of a 6k mile relationship and immigration costs, but it never even occured to EITHER of us to ask either of our parents for money. Now my parents (and his!) are pretty amazing people and have savings and gave us a set amount as a gift that we could use for the wedding or savings or whatever. It was totally unexpected with no badgering or wheedling involved. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself or for that matter be happy with my FH’s behavior had I talked my parents into giving us money that they couldn’t/shouldn’t afford to give us. Sorry, but I do have to agree with some of the other ladies on this one.
We took the money that my parents gave us, threw a wonderful wedding for $6600 (in Orange County, CA which by the way isn’t easy to do) and saved nearly 2/3 of the original amount they gave us. Was it easy to do? Nope. I had to do a TON of research to find places that would fit both my vision and our budget. I had to give up some things that I originally wanted because we just couldn’t afford them.
Start looking for deals. Search every which way you can think of. Look for deals on craigslist, ebay, here, ask friends for help, look for a backyard you could maybe use for free or a park you could use for very cheap, etc. And cut waaaay down on that guest list. It’s really nice that his parents want all these people there, but the fact of the matter is that you. can’t. afford. them. Period. End of story. Have the people that you truly want there – family, close friends. If his parents want more then they can fork over the cash that you would be paying to add every single extra guest including tables, chairs, centerpieces, food, cutlery, plates, EVERYTHING. This is the time to put your foot down and tell your FH that he needs to look at the bigger picture and this is a time where he doesn’t get his way. And you both need to treat your parents with the respect they deserve.
Post # 44
Do you need a honeymoon? Do you need one right away? Is it something you could save for and take it on your one year anniversary. Those lists are not set in stone. My Future Father-In-Law is paying for the food, alcohol, hall and rehersal dinner. My parents took care of everything else. I think if you are feeling guilty about the money by all means cut back the guest list and cut out the unecessary things. Then when his parents ask why your not doing this or that. You tell them that you did not feel right putting your parents into debt. Don’t stress it will work out. Just decide what is really needed and what is wanted. Then cut back on the wanted. The wedding will still be beautiful.