(Closed) Expectations Follow with a Blow to the Head. *some serious advice needed*

posted 9 years ago in Money
Post # 46
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I’m confused. Are you no longer taking the money from your parents? 

As for speaking with his mother, I think the best thing to do is sit down with your future Mother-In-Law and your fiance, just so you can make sure everybody is on the same page. Let him do the talking if you are uncomfortable communicating with her about this.

Post # 47
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I agree. You need to sit down with them, explain where you’re coming from. Maybe it might beb etter if YOU ALL sit down and talk together, in a neutral setting. Maybe it will finally make your FIL’s see where you and your side of the family is coming from.

Post # 48
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I don’t understand how people have expectations of others when they aren’t willing to fork out the money. Have you said this to your fiance? These exact words?

Again – you need to communicate effectively, and that’s not happening – at least not from what you are telling us. Calmly, rationally, respectfully – but you need to communicate. I know it can be a daunting thing to talk to future in-laws about serious things, especially when you fear that things could become confrontational, but that’s all part of being an adult, and being married and dealing with in-laws and the new part of your family. 

I agree with the PPs above me – sit down together, probably ALL together, including your parents, and you SHOULD be done with the game of telephone you have going on. I still think you and Fiance need to get down on paper what you want vs. what YOU (the two of you, without outside help) can spend on this wedding before this happens. 

If you’re there with both sets of parents, it’s going to ensure that you know what’s being said from all angles. And – you never know, your parents might see a discrepancy in your Future In-Laws expectations vs. their contribution and THEY might bring it up. They might not.

The main point I think you might be missing here is that engagements sometimes serve to set a precedent for how things will be handled in the future of your marriage – in your relationship, with your in-laws, with your parents, etc. It’s a very good time to look at how you handle real-life situations such as MONEY, COMMUNICATION, Family involvement/interference, and the list goes on. These things are all bigger than a wedding.

Post # 49
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

@weddingstars2012:  I am having my entire wedding for about $3000, no kidding.  It will be a beach wedding with a plated, fancy meal in an oceanfront restaurant.  I will give you some tips that I’ve utilized to keep my wedding so cheap:

The first and most vital thing is to cut your guest list DOWN!  At first, I wanted 112 people.  Now, I’m only going to have 50.  If you feel that people will get mad, consider having a destination wedding.  I live near Charlotte, NC.  I am getting married at Ocean Isle Beach.  Several people won’t be able to afford to travel there in peak season (I’m getting married the day before you!)  This way, you don’t have to feel bad about not inviting them.  You can just say, “I didn’t want to put the financial burden of travel on everyone, so we only invited close relatives and friends.”

My wedding package includes the ceremony (either on the beach or on the lawn at the gazebo), up to 60 chairs for the ceremony, an arbor to marry under, the reception venue, two nights in an oceanfront honeymoon suite (complete with champagne and chocolates), $100 gift card to the restaurant where we’re having the reception, and a discount on a first anniversary stay at the hotel.  Do you know how much all that is?  $700.  That doesn’t include food, but the menu starts out at about $18 pp.  You can customize the menu to what you can afford and you pay for it at the end of the reception (so you only pay for the people who actually show up!)  You just have to look around for good prices.  You have to look verrry hard. 

I’m getting my dress from a consignment shop.  FI’s tux is being rented.  Flower Girl dress that I’m buying is $17 on eBay.

I’m collecting salsa jars to make favors.  Gonna do a candy buffet with cheap, bulk candies.  I will be serving the candy from glass bowls I plan to pick up at Goodwill/Dollar Tree.  Every guest will fill their salsa jar before leaving.

I know a baker who makes gorgeous works of dessert art, at half the price of bakery.  She works out of her home.  I am going to order cupcakes, an anniversary tier, cake pops, cake balls, petit fours, and a cheesecake.  All of these things will still come out cheaper than a full-sized wedding cake.

Someone I know is getting married in October.  She is letting me borrow all of her wedding decor.  This includes centerpieces, chair sashes, table runners, etc.

My reception venue doesn’t allow music, so no DJ needed.

I’m making my own bouquet and arrangements for BMs.

I invested in a professional grade camera.  I will be using mine and my FCIL’s for wedding photos.  Frankly, the pictures taken with my camera come out equally as good or better than pro photogs, sometimes.

I’m probably going to splurge on invitations (about $88).  Then, I’m going to make my own RSVP cards.

Our honeymoon will be the two nights in the suite at the hotel that comes with our wedding package.  That might not be a dream honeymoon, in your eyes, but we didn’t even expect we’d get that much.  So, we’re happy.

It is hard to afford things on your own.  But, that doesn’t mean you can’t have a great wedding on a lower budget.  I would seriously consider venturing down budget avenues.  $10,000 is a lot for your parents right now, you know that.  If FI’s parents aren’t going to help, that’s fine, just let them know that you’ll be cutting down on how much of their family can attend if they’re not going to pay for anything.

Post # 50
Member
611 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

It is preposterous for your fiance or his family to expect your parents to shell out a huge chunk of money while they pay nothing, just because “tradition says so.” Preposterous. I agree with the other PP’s–leave his parents out of the equation for the time being, sit down with him and figure out what YOU TWO can afford. Plan accordingly. It’s not fair to ask for money from your parents, especially when it sounds like his family is the one with all of the expectations about a “real wedding.”

Post # 51
Member
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think it odd that you say you will save birthday and Christmas money to save for your wedding.  That sounds kind of childish.  You should be prepared for the cost of your wedding.  I would feel extra bad if my parents were in the situation yours are in.  If I were you and in debt and they are in debt, I would either postpone the wedding or I would elope.  It doesn’t make any sense right now if you cannot do it.  Just my opinion.

Post # 52
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

“Traditionally” if the brides parents pay, then it is their party and they can invite whoever they want. So if your Future Mother-In-Law wants the finances to be handled “traditionally” then the guest list should also be handled “traditionally” i.e. Your parents could just invite your Fiance and his parents and thats it from his side if they wanted to.

I’ve come up against similar problems. Fiance wants to invite everyone he has ever met, yet doesn’t want to ask his parents if they would like to contribute financially. My dad is giving us $15,000 that he has been saving since I was born, for my wedding. I told Fiance that my Dad gets a say, and if he doesn’t want to invite your 3rd cousins girlfriends next door neighbours dog then thats his call.

I don’t think its selfish to expect both sets of parents to help out. Its only selfish if you push them for money, or more money than they offer. If your parents are happy to give 10k, then thats your budget and you have to make everything fit in to it, simple as that.

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