Expecting to much

posted 6 months ago in 20 Something
Post # 2
Hostess
9134 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

It sounds like you need to have a proper conversation with him and explain how important it is to you. I think it you’ve had a kid already then using “too soon” as an excuse doesn’t really fly. That coupled with buying a house. Maybe he is just worried about the financial aspect of him. It it really is about all sharing a name maybe you could propose a cheaper registry office wedding. Either way. The only way to sort it is to have a conversation with him and find out where you stand and what his thoughts are

 

Post # 3
Member
234 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
nkraus :  Marriage at this point isn’t even for you or your boyfriend, it’s for your son – to give that little boy the best chance in life that his mum and dad stay together and give him a stable home. If your boyfriend can’t agree to that, I don’t know why to advise you – you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. You can’t leverage leaving as an ultimatum because your son would pay that price. It seems to me that you’re just going to have to hope your boyfriend can be a fiduciary to your son. Meaning that he’ll realize that your sons needs come first, and that marriage is part of that realization.

Post # 4
Member
1144 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

There are many, many threads on here about Waiting Bees who bought a house with their bf thinking that the bf would propose. Don’t do it. Don’t be stuck in a 30 year mortgage with a man who is willing to use you for a cheaper interest rate but not commit to you otherwise. Once you’re both on a mortgage, the only way to get your name off is if he agrees to refinance on his own. 

Post # 5
Member
1802 posts
Buzzing bee

Do NOT buy a house with him.

Hes ready to be a father but not ready to marry you? Bullshit. He just doesn’t want to.

Two years, a child and living together is more than enough for him to know what he wants.

Press the issue.

Demand some answers.

Tell him it’s important to you and why.

Decide if you will leave him if he tells you he’s not going to marry you or does nothing. Have your ducks in a row. 

And for Gods sake, if he won’t marry you, then change your child’s last name to yours. 

I wish women would stop giving their child that THEY physically carried for nine months and gave birth to the father’s last name when he won’t even marry them. Fuck that 

Post # 6
Member
1053 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Everything

View original reply
neverbeenstungbee :  said! The only thing I would add is “don’t buy a house with him” 2 more times. 

Post # 7
Bee
5093 posts
Bee Keeper

Don’t buy a house with him, no matter how many people tell you that they did this and it worked out fine. Let him show his commitment to you with a proposal first. For some reason a lot of women these days seem to regard putting their emotional needs first as old-fashioned and behind the times. They’re eager to show how modern they are by burying their desire for marriage in a bunch of feeble excuses. “It’s only a piece of paper” is a favorite. But lying to yourself doesnt work over the long-term and sooner or later they wind up confronting their need for marriage which has only grown stronger as the years have passed, and they seethe in resentment. These women wind up buying houses and raising children with men who are really not sure if they want to marry them or wait for something better to come along. The men in these scenarios are well aware that they have one foot out the door. And please, enough with the tired old argument that this happens only on the board. I know people IRL who have done this and it’s sad. 

Post # 8
Member
1944 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

the natural next step for me is engagement

Bee let me tell you what I’ve discovered.  Men will be happy to go into a 30yr mortgage as well as create a family and STILL not be willing to get married.  Yes the 18yr commitment of child rearing is somehow nowhere near as threatening as that “M” word.  As a pp said on another thread, they are content with 80% since their needs are being met.  However, they’re not going to marry because they want to keep their options open in case Ms. 100% comes along.

Now I’m not saying this is the case with your relationship but you need to start dealing with reality.  You and he need to be on the same page with regards to where this relationship is going.

i want my son and i to have the same last name and i want us to be a family    If this is truly important to you then you:

DO NOT go into a mortgage situation without a guarantee of marriage

DO NOT bring anymore children into this unstable situation.

DO NOT allow him to blow off discussions about YOUR future.

DO NOT accept “some day” or “one day” as an answer for how long you’ve got to wait. Vague answers are simply about buying time and shutting you up.

DO find out exactly how much time he needs to be ready, again specific timelines.  And decide before even having a convo on how much time you are willing to wait.

DO decide if marriage is a really a deal breaker or if you can be content with being the forever girlfriend and mother of his child beccause as of right now, that’s what its looking like.

You need to have an adult conversation where you and he can get on the same page and you need to decide what your next step will be if you cannot get on the same page.  Good luck

Post # 9
Member
9378 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
Goirishgrl :  

Me too, 100%. Men who father children, think about buying houses with women and are ‘not ready to marry/ commit to ‘ them  are basically, openly saying ” might split up, so l don’t want the hassle of divorce , nor am l planning to bring up the child if we do part. I would like you to pay half the mortgage though….” 

Not deserving of having the baby called by their name ffs. 

Time to decide what you really want OP. 

Post # 10
Member
3311 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

View original reply
nkraus :  he doesn’t *want* to marry you. You’re still together at least partly because of circumstances.  2 years, at 26 even with a kid, he makes excuses to avoid marrying you.  How insulting.  Don’t be foolish enough to tie yourself to him even more by purchasing a house. He’s keeping his relationship options open,  you should do the same. 

Post # 11
Member
888 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Why in the world would you think you’re expecting too much?  Why are his needs more important than yours?

Post # 12
Member
27 posts
Newbee

Hey folks. New here. Once again just giving a man’s perspective. 

Dear OP: As many have already said — do NOT buy a house with your boyfriend. You got pregnant after six months? And you’re in your mid 20’s? He is more than likely feeling trapped in this situation. Maybe he’s a good father. Maybe he’s been an alright SO. But I’ve seen this before when a couple have a kid very early on and try to make it work. The man usually doesn’t want to “seal the deal” because he’s still interested in keeping options open. Other members on here have stated many stories have already been posted of women moving into a house with a boyfriend they have a child with. I can tell you, I agree with them 100% when they say this situation almost always ends badly. It really just sounds to me your bf is hanging around for the sake of the kid. It also sounds like a relationship of convenience for him. “Well. I had a kid with her. Might as well try to make it work. I’ll even get a house with her. But marriage? Naaah.” Only a matter of time before his actual feelings show thru his actions.

Post # 13
Member
9378 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
ryo828 :  

Oh that is hard to hear. Thank you for your honesty ( and courage, given the demographic of this board). 
Women can be so trusting and yes, naive , and speaking as an older woman, l can say that it takes us a long time to realise how change-averse and addicted to status quo comfort men can be . 

Post # 15
Member
349 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I really don’t understand why women who don’t share the same name as their partner would give the baby the partner’s last name instead of their own. He didn’t go through labour and delivery/surgery to get the baby out, not even to mention the physical toll of carrying and growing the baby for the better part of a year! Why the heck would the baby not get your name?!

OP save up and get your baby’s name changed to your own. Don’t buy a house with this guy, don’t have more kids with this guy and don’t let your partner be the one always calling the shots.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors