Post # 1
This is kind of a rambly post, I’m just looking for some input on my ring situation! My partner and I plan to get engaged soon, and we’ve been going back and forth with each other about the ring. Personally, I don’t wear jewelry — it has never been my “thing” and I actually don’t own a single piece of it, if you can believe it. I don’t feel strongly about having an engagement ring, and told him I’d be so happy to use allotted “ring money” to go towards other important things in our life. However, he really wants me to have one, and I understand why and am grateful for that kindness, so I’ve been really involved in the ring-choosing process (since if I’m going to own/wear a ring, I at least want to make sure it is one I really aesthetically love). I figured out exactly what I like the look of — dainty, thin bands with simple round stones, no frills. I also aesthetically prefer the look of a slightly larger (around 2 carat) stone — not for money/status reasons, but it is just a visual preference on my hand. Since I have no attachment to rings, I told him he should absolutely under no circumstances buy me a diamond — it is just silly to spend that much money if it is something I don’t think I will truly cherish, even though he can afford it and it is so nice that he wants me to have one. I chose a moissanite because they are very pretty to me, and since I don’t feel the need for a diamond but do like the look of something simple, sparkly, and essentially colorless, it seems to fit the bill perfectly. But strangely, he is so hellbent still on a diamond. I think he believes that since a diamond in the size of stone I want is financially within reach, there is no reason not to get it. But there are reasons, ethical and otherwise, and they are important to me. I would feel so guilty owning a nearly $20,000 ring that I wasn’t obsessed with wearing every day, and I know I won’t be since I don’t love rings.
What I’m wondering is, what are your thoughts? If you were me and ended up being proposed to with a ring that looked exactly how you like but cost over $15,000 more than the one you chose, how would you feel? Should I just shrug and let him buy the expensive thing because he wants to?
(Disclaimer: please understand that I’m not ungrateful or unappreciative of his kindness and generosity when it comes to spending a large amount of money on a special gift for me — I just don’t want him to spend so much on something that I know, because of who I am as a person, won’t get the love and use it would deserve.)
Thank you bees!
Post # 2
Could he compromise? What if you had diamonds on the band, and diamonds in your wedding band? I’ve seen some very dainty rings that have diamonds in the band.
I don’t think you are being ungrateful at all. I was pleasantly surprised by your post, I was expecting… well… something much different based on your title lol
Post # 3
I really believe he should go with what you want. Its great he is generous but in the end, it is yours to wear and you have to go with whats comfortable for you to wear.
Is it possible its a pride thing for him? A lot of men sees engagement ring as also a status symbol for them to show they can provide and take care of their women.
Maybe you two can compromise and get the moissanite engagement ring and get a wedding band with diamonds in it?
Post # 4
- Wedding: August 2019 - City, State
I personally believe that $20k is an egregious amount of money to spend on an engagement ring. Especially if you have never worn jewelry, don’t like jewelry, and have other items/purchases you would like to do/have instead.
Post # 5
Honestly it sounds like he sees the ring as a reflection of him/his ability to buy an expensive ring and doesn’t want to get you anything that he perceives to be cheap.
I would reiterate what you want and the reasons why you want it. Help him visualize that $15,000 being spent elsewhere. He really should not force you to wear something on your hand that makes you uncomfortable and feels unethical to you.
Post # 6
I agree with Sansa85 :
I was thinking this topic would be totally different…. in terms of answering if 15k-20k is expensive for a ring, uh yes. I could buy a car for that and a car is much more practical and useful than a ring.
I don’t think you’re being ungrateful/unappreciative BUT I would compromise and let your man pick what he wants and be surprised. You seem to have both done a great job of discussing your wants in a ring thus far, so now let him take the chance to surprise you with it.
My husband and I went ring shopping, he knew what style I liked, what size stone I prefered in relation to the size of my finger/hand and then I just let it go from there. I was truly surprised when he picked out a ring I LOVED but it still completely surprised me and made it more meanginful that he went and picked it out on his own and made the final decision.
Let yourself be surprised! If he wants to buy you a diamond, so be it!
Post # 7
The other bee’s hit the nail on the head. This seems to be about him & his ability to purchase something he sees as socially worthy. If he really cares about you, he should respect your postion and get you the ring you want/feel comfortable wearing. In the real world no one cares about who buys what and how much they spend, and if they care that’s on them.
You don’t come off as ungrateful, in fact it seems very reasonable of you! I felt the same way and would never let my SO spend that kind of money. I’d rather reno our bathroom or go on an amazing trip. Another bee mentioned helping him visualize how that money can be spent on other things that are ulitmately more important (IMO), this is a very good idea.
Post # 8
Is there no where you can meet in the middle between a $20,000 genuine diamond and a large simulant?!
Since you said all that matters to you is it being clear, sparkly and cheap, and to him it’s important he gets you a genuine diamond, why not allow him to gift you a smaller, or preloved diamond ring? That’s a compromise that could work for you both….
Post # 9
He’s being selfish if he is adamant on buying the 20k diamond when you have specifically asked for a moissanite.
His manhood is probably tied up in that ring so if you really want this one you’ll have to sit him down and explain in no uncertain terms that you do not want a diamond and you aren’t just saying that so he’ll go out and surprise you with a diamond.
I also don’t get the previous posters suggestion of getting a smaller diamond. Why should you have to compromise when you are the one wearing it?
Post # 10
If he wants you to have a diamond engagement ring, regardless of price, let him buy it!!! Just let him know that it won’t be worn frequently!! Maybe just wear it for special occasions, date nights, anniversaries, etc. Ask that he compromise and get you a dainty wedding band that you would be comfortable wearing everyday.
Post # 11
Do you know WHY its important for him to buy such an expensive ring? See here’s where the compromise starts bee. Both of you have an understanding of why you want what you want and then meet somewhere in the middle. Maybe setting a budget or maybe getting another kind of stone (Ruby, sapphire), whatever will make you both happy.
Post # 12
I totally get where you’re coming from, as I was the same way with my man. I didn’t wear jewelry but was excited about starting to. I wanted either a black pearl or a black sapphire ring. Something inexpensive and unique to me. I was so put off by the ethical concerns of diamonds, and I absolutely did not want one.
However, my fiance was SO set on me having a diamond. In the end, I indulged him to make him happy. As much as it’s MY engagement ring, I believed that it was important that he was able to get what he wanted as well, even though it will live on my finger. We compromised in that the diamond would have to be either an estate antique or Canadian mined so I could be sure it was conflict-free. Once I decided to go the diamond route, I spent a lot of time researching settings and shapes to find one that was unique to me, even though it wasn’t what I initially wanted. He also spent way more than I ever would have, but he said that he had been putting the money aside speicifcally for it since he and I started dating. In the end, I was happy, my fiance was happy, and that was it! MY advice is to find a compromise, but ultimately he deserves to feel good about the ring too.
Post # 13
What about a pre-loved diamond to save? Or a lab create diamond, which is definitely a diamond just ethically clear. My husband feels the same way about me having a diamond (I’m having a moissanite upgrade set made but he wants to swap them with lab diamonds eventually) and I think it’s a pride thing for men. I wouldn’t skimp on size though since 2 carats is what you love. I think there’s a happy medium though with the type of stone! I would freak out too if he wanted to spend that much on my Ring. I’m very plain when it comes to my jewelry, but above that I am extremely cheap. I’d have a heart attack. Lol
Post # 14
To those saying let him do what HE wants… I would be pissed if my SO purchased me a $20k ring, it would say to me that he doesn’t know me at all and doesn’t give a crap about what is important to me. I freaking love my wedding set, we picked it out together, that was very important to me. If he just went off and did whatever the hell he wanted, it would say to me that there were going to be many more times in our relationship that he would just go do whatever the hell he wanted with no regard to my feelings or opinion.
Post # 15
An engagement and marriage take two people. Why shouldn’t the decision for the type of ring, also take two? I considered a moissanite because I wanted a bigger stone, and D.H. and I are quite frugal, so neither of us wanted to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a ring. However, D.H. wanted to go with a diamond. To be fair, I don’t think people outside of the WeddingBee site, or people who don’t really know much about jewelry know about moissanite. I certainly had never heard of it before the Bee. In the end, we compromised, I have a diamond engagement ring and wedding band, and D.H. spent more than he was planning to originally to get the designer ring I had seen and fallen in love with, with a carat size that made us both happy.
This sounds important to you, so I think you should emphasize how important it is to your SO. Let him absolutely know that you appreciate his offer, but you’ll be wearing this ring for the rest of your life, and you know unequivocally that you’d prefer moissanite to a diamond. You could also mention other things that you’d rather spend the money on (furnishings, a trip, a larger honeymoon, saving for future children, etc).