- 2 years ago
- Wedding: April 2014
One of the first things my OB talked to us about, even before our referral to the RE, is how crucial it is to openly talk about every scenario in regards to becoming a parent. At 44, as you are well aware, biological children are much more difficult to come by. Sure, there is IVF or donor eggs/sperm that increase your chances of success. What if it doesn’t work? Would your path to parenthood end there? Do you have a red flag that you can wave in the event that it is becoming emotionally too much, too difficult, too heartbreaking? Would you both be open to the idea of adoption, surrogacy, or any of the other ways to become parents? How will your relationship be impacted if one of you wants it more than the other? I hurt for you thinking about how badly you want to become a parent, but have not discussed the what-ifs and every scenario with your husband. I can’t imagine being in your situation, wanting something so incredibly much yet not entirely sure if your partner is along for the ride because he is supportive of you, or if he truthfully wants to become a parent as well.
I’m also not saying that you should get a divorce and hope that someone better comes along for you to co-parent with. What I am saying is, at the end of the day it is so, so important to be on the same page and support one another through these life goals. Starting a family brings another little life to care for, make decisions for, and worry about. Going into that situation not absolutely positive that my husband also wants to become a parent would be scary to me. If you do become parents, what happens if he ultimately decides, nope, not for me? Would you be ok as a single parent?
Have you sat down as a couple with a third party (ie counselor) to work through some of these questions? I know you say that all you can do is take his word for it – but actions speak loudly. It raises a huge red flag to me that he is unwilling to take all necessary steps to make this journey easy for both of you.
I know the idea of parenting and all of the changes that will impact your lives are hard to wrap your head around (trust me, my husband is still anxious/nervous about this and I’m due to have our baby in less than a week). But ultimately, that fear should be overshadowed by the joy and miracle it is to bring a new life into this world.
I really, truthfully, wish you the best with this journey. I know it has been a long process and how much you want to become a mother. I’m sorry that aside from the infertility aspect you also have these questions heavily weighing on you.