- 2 months ago
I have been a reader of the forum for a while, but now feel compelled to post. To get to the point, my mother was involved in a head-on car crash (not her fault), from which she suffered many broken bones. She’s been in the hospital for two+ weeks. I flew home to see her the first week, and this last week my brother and sister-in-law have been fighting fires left and right.
First, my mother has the early stages of dementia. It has been diagnosed. The first crisis was that she signed a contract with a lawyer, when my brother, sister-in-law, and I are handling her medical, insurance and legal matters while she recovers. This sleazeball lawyer came by and got my mom to sign (despite her right hand being in a cast, mind you) a contract. We were able to get her out of it, but it meant that we had to have my mom de-listed at the hospital, and her phone has been taken so that she doesn’t have more predatory insurance agents and lawyers coming by under the guise of friendly visits (her insurance agent is a friend, and her insurance agent’s husband is a lawyer… you see a pattern… friends = getting business from her).
We are going to have to get temporary power of attorney (she has agreed to it), and a temporary guardianship, because her dementia has made it so she forgets when she signs contracts, and she trusts anyone who comes by with a piece of paper. We want to get the biggest settlement possible for her, and her memory issues make that nearly impossible.
We have the paperwork started for both of those temporary orders, but we have family (mom’s sister & brother in law, her niece) who are stirring up discord, making our lives so difficult as we prepare to have my mom come recover at my brother and SIL’s house.
They are coming by the hospital, talking about how my mom should be in an extended care facility for 100 days or some such thing, but the thing is, that is going to cost hundreds of thousands of dollars. That will eat up any settlement money my mom gets. My SIL is a Stay-At-Home Mom, and is taking classes at the hospital right now to help with home care. We may get a nurse to come by once a day for surgical dressing needs, catheter issues, etc, but she has it under control, and is stepping up to the plate. She will drive my mom to PT and doctor’s appointments.
We thanked them for their concern, and assured them that we’d been there from the beginning, and my SIL was working with insurance/lawyers to get her the best care and settlement money, etc… And they just. Keep. On. Pressing. Boundaries.
It doesn’t help that my aunt has Alzheimers too. And once she’s fixed on something (my mom coming to live with her, or going to this music festival next week), she won’t let it go. But there’s no way they are equipped to help my mom bathe, go to the bathroom, go to PT, transfer from chair to bed… and my uncle does nothing to redirect my aunt’s obsession. And the festival is not possible. My mom has both feet broken, a femur with a rod in it, pelvis broken, ribs and sternum, and right hand broken. She’s still hooked up to a catheter. And no one is saying no. They are all saying “yeah we could probably get you out there on a golf cart…”
It’s much more of the same, but it came to a head today when my cousin, who works in the medical field, called my mom’s case worker today to discuss her care. That breaks about 100 HIPAA laws, and my brother gave the hospital a good talking to about that. But we’ve been back and forth with family, telling them to mind their own business (in as nice a way as we can) but they are acting indignant (“I can’t believe the way you’re talking to us!”).
We confronted her about it, and she’s acting offended, like we did something wrong by telling her to stop prying into our mom’s medical information. She tried to dress it up under the guise of “offering advice”, but advice comes when you approach someone upfront, not calling case workers behind our back.
I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know what we can do. My brother had my mom’s room changed (I don’t think that is going to do any good), and we’ve told them to just talk about anything else with my mom during their visits. They just don’t have the whole picture, and think of us as children (we are 30 and 37).
I told them to stop prying into her medical information, or we would have to involve the law. I just don’t know how we can get through to them that she is our mother. We would never do anything that wasn’t in her best interest. But they have this way of painting us like we’re villains.
It’s eating up so much energy and time that could be spent on getting my brother’s house ready for her to come recover there for the next few months. What do I do? Has anyone ever experienced this?