(Closed) Extreme anxiety about upcoming wedding and seeing my ghastly extended family

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
4272 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@monkeyinasuit:  I don’t know how you put up with it honestly. Insult after insult….I would erupt into a fury of profanities towards each and every one of them. I would have also just eloped! No advice I can really give you, sorry 🙁 Those people really suck!

Post # 4
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Wow…that sounds pretty serious. Try to warn your Fiance about your family and brace yourself. You  know how they are and that they probably haven’t changed since the last time you’ve visited. They sound horrible 🙁 I hope that somehow you are able to tune them out and enjoy your day.

Post # 5
8036 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@monkeyinasuit:  Why do you put up with this? I would seriously consider eloping. My family is NOWHERE near as bad and I still want to elope to ensure a drama-free day (among other reasons).


Post # 7
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

My first thought was to tell you to just not go. But I reread your post and given that it’s only 3 weeks away I don’t suppose that that’s an option (why you agreed to begin with I’m not sure). Just remember: no one can take advantage of you or make you feel inferior without your permission, at least according to Eleanor Roosevelt and Dear Abby. 🙂

If it was me and someone hurled an insult, I would probably say something like, “Aww. Isn’t that sad that the only way to feel better about yourself is by trying to hurt someone else.” Of course I would say it with a great big smile and then walk away.

Post # 8
2747 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Culturally speaking, you need to “play the game”. I have family who was born and raised in India, but I was born and raised in Canada.  All those nasty comments they make, you need to be able to let it roll off your back, take the hit gracefully or lash it back without being disrespectful.

The LAST thing you do is to let what they SAY affect your decisions and who you are.

It’s definitely not a healthy practice in any culture to be rude or snarky, but you need to have thick skin if you really are heading back into the lion’s den.

Simple phrases like “Yes, aunty, you would be the expert in that area.” Or “Yes, I’ll be sure to come to you for advice next time”.  Or “My husband to be likes me this way.” or even “Well I prefer ______. It’s more efficient/better looking/etc”.  You need to be vocal, assertive and just as loud. 

Another approach is to just say yes/agree to everything.  And then do none of it.  If they say “You are ugly/dark/fat.” Just agree and kill them with kindness. “You’re completely right, cousin. I’ll be sure to get your beauty secrets the next time I am here!” Smile.

Post # 9
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

Tricky one. If it were me, I would try to do two things:

1. Drink. I find it always helps.

2. Agree with everything they say. This helps if you have followed point 1, above. This tends to wrongfoot people, and if you can muster up some sort of sincerity then all the better. I used it on a ghastly relative who loved to bask in the failure of others a few years back. It works a bit like this:

Horrible Relative: You’re fat.

You: Yes, I could stand to lose a few pounds. If only I had a beautiful figure like you, I feel I would be happy. I cry myself to sleep every night because I do not. Men must simply worship your voluptuous behind….

It works so well because they can’t tell if you’re mocking them or if you’re actually serious.

As far as your hair goes, I would probably coat it in something horrible and pretend I had a debilitating condition. Preferably something sticky, but harmless. Or you could pretend that you have an infectious skin condition, or nits. I know it all sounds really horrible, and it is, but you could also try and have some really evil fun at their expense. Make them think that you might infect them with something horrible… the more embarassing, the better. Of course, this only works if you have no shame yourself. Perhaps you have shame. I have no shame.

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