(Closed) Extreme Mom Drama! How do I make this better???

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Yea it sounds like you do have a lot going on!!

I would try to break it down step at a time, one step in front of another. 

1.  Why is your mom really upset.  See if you can figure that out.

2.  Would paying for your own wedding really help things, would your mom still be upset? If she feels like she’s not involved now, this may actually make her more upset.

3.  How can you move forward. 

 

Emails are really tough first of all.  My mom and I had a really hard time communicating during the wedding planning (we were 5 hours away).  Email messages can be interpreted wrong.  We tried to switch to discussing via the phone, but we were both so busy we often still upset each other.  Setting up certain times and assigning tasks for us each to do really helped. For example, I didn’t care about the caterer so she worked on that.  I cared about the decor, so I worked on that. 

Ask your mom the few things that she wants to be involved in and either give her control of those things, or ask her to come up wtih something for you to review. 

It will get better!

 

Post # 5
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

It sounds like a terrible nightmare.

My PERSONAL FEELINGS are that anyone who is adult enough to get married should not be relying on parents to pay. You are old enough to get married, have a job, etc…you should be paying for your own wedding.

Brides parents once paid for the wedding because the groom was doing a favor to the family by taking away one mouth to feed. Women also went with dowries.

If your mother is going to continue to be manipualtive, perhaps you should consider eloping, or having a destination wedding with just the closest of friends and family and leave her out of it. But, if you take money from her, or from anyone, you are giving them power that you might not want to give them.

Quite honestly, if his parents are short on cash because of a daughter in grad school and a special needs child, they shouldn’t also be footing the bill for a wedding. But, every family is different. Regarding momzilla, I think I’d just have to tell her to STOP IT. Don’t include her in on any of the details until she agrees to back off.

Post # 7
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

OOOH That sounds like me and my mom! Not quite as much but I was miserable. The first two weeks of the engagement were hell! My mom was going overboard and when we decided to have an engagement party, she wanted to have it at her place (my parents are divorced) and when I decided it was at my dads house, she got all huffy when I hinted that she wasn’t hosting it. Um My parents are divorced! If the party is at my dad’s house, then my dad is hosting it. Well the joke is on my mom because everyone commented on how nice it was for my mom to thank them for coming even though she wasn’t hosting it.

My mom thought she was getting left out on EVERYTHING even though we haven’t done a single thing yet. She got jealous because when she asked me where I’m getting ready, I said I don’t know, Dad’s house? She got sooo mad becuase she thought she was beign left out and my dad was getting everything. WHOA what??

After countless e-mails telling her if I need help, I will go to her and that is after I have asked my Maid/Matron of Honor and bridesmaids. When she didn’t listen I sic’d my dad after her and he told her she had to stop. She has since but I still hold a grudge. She’s not coming with me when I try on dresses for the first time. Too bad. Maybe she shouldn’t have been so crazy. I had to nip it in the bud right away, it’s the best thing to do.

You need to figure out jsut how much people are contributing and who will help plan what, but YOU (and fiance!) have the final say.

Post # 8
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

If I were going through this I would sit both my parents down and talk to them. Your dad seems to be telling her just to stay away and so she is getting upset by his words and using them against you.

Come up with a job for her but be willing to hand over all control of said job. If it is out of town ask her to take care of the out of town bags for the hotel. Even if this is not a project you were going to do ask her to do it. Butter her up before you ask her…Mom you are pretty creative and I want to make bags for the guest but have no idea where to start could you deal with these for me.  If she happens to make the ugliest bags with two crackers in them she will be out of your hair for a bit.

The loss of her mother may be adding to the situation. When my grandfather passed away my mom went all sorts of emotional crazy. If her behavior is out of character then you may want to consider taking a step back from talking about the wedding with her and just spend some one on one time with her and try to talk to her about all of the things she has going on in her life.

Post # 9
Member
482 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

We need to meet and have coffee because, lady, I have literally been going through almost the same situation!!  I don’t have much advice to offer because my Momzilla and is still making me completely nuts, but I can tell you that I feel ya.

My Fiance and I actually got so fed up with my mom that we decided to take on the financial responsibility of the wedding ourselves.  It cut out the middle man (my mom) and allows us to plan the way we want to, invite who we want, and do whatever the heck we want because well, it’s OUR DAY!!

Good luck and if you ever need to talk, I’m a PM away!

Post # 10
Member
558 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

@staceynrick: FYI, we did our wedding for UNDER $5k. Was it super fancy? Did I have things like chargers and escort cards and a stunning venue? No, but it doesn’t matter. I married exactly who I wanted to marry, and it was perfect. I agree with menobride, I am also in the “If you think you’re ready to get married, then you should pay for it” camp. Not to say ANYTHING mean or bad about brides who don’t pay for their own weddings – just a personal opinion. I WANTED to pay for my own wedding – for no other reason than to avoid the drama you are going through. Which really sucks! Maybe you should consider paying for your own wedding, if for no other reason than to avoid drama over money? It may not solve all the problems with your mom, but at least it would take a huge cause of friction out – and possible help you narrow down why she’s really upset.

Post # 11
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Could you and your Fiance cover some of the costs, and ask your mom to help with specific certain other stuff? Like, “Mom, could you help us with the florals? I was thinking of using xyz flowers in abc colors – maybe you could put together some ideas for me?”

Give her really specific tasks, and help her focus on those things (maybe stuff you can let go of a little bit and let her run with), and let her be in charge of the budget for that stuff.

Does that make sense?

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this!

Post # 12
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Sounds like we have similar mothers 🙁 Have you read the book, “Boundaries”? My mother is really manipulative, too, and it really helped to establish boundaries. My mom would say negatives things about every wedding decision I was making, so I just stopped involving her in the details. I know that she wanted to be more involved, but I told her that I wanted wedding planning to be a positive process and something that my fiance and I did together. I made sure to include her in the important things, like dress shopping, etc.

It’s hard not to feel guilty about it, but you have to value your own personal health. If your mom is causing you this kind of aggravation, you need to stand up for yourself and set some boundaries. And probably calling her everyday will always yield the same conversation, so stop calling every day. It sounds strange, but treat her like a child (since she’s acting like one). Make consequences for her actions. If she says or does something that’s hurtful to you, then don’t let her speak into the next wedding decision. People learn pretty quickly how to behave that way 😉

And frankly, if she’s complaning to you, just tell her you’re not going to listen to it. If you’re talking to her and she starts complaing, tell her you’ll talk to her later. I have to do the same with my mom. If I’m with her and she starts saying nasty things, I just tell her, very nicely, I’ve heard what she has to say and I’m going now. She learned really quickly that she doesn’t get to spend time with me or talk to me if she’s going to be mean. And I had to own up to the fact that I was enabling her by letting her get away with it.

Post # 13
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2010

You’re LUCKY you have a mom thats around to help you. Even if she drives you nuts sometimes, she’s there for you. She wants to help! Let her be a part of your planning and let her have input. I think it would be a good idea to sit down and talk to your mom, but do not bash her and put her down. Ever. shes your MOM. I’m getting married soon and my mom passed away less than 3 years ago, so i dont have her here to help, to support me, to share in this important time in my life. I wish she could be here more than anything. I WISH that she was here to drive me crazy and even make my planning more stressful. At least she would be here on my special day. So talk to your mom. Listen to her input and tell her you love her.

Post # 14
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I’m sorry I wasnt able to read through your whole saga but even without doing that I know you have a momzilla on your hands! I have one too so I can totally relate. Its so frustrating and it makes whats supposed to be the happiest time of your life miserable. I hope you get through this unscathed and all the best with the rest of your wedding planning.

Post # 15
Member
1184 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

i know this post is from a few weeks but i am going through a lot of the same things with my mom and i was just wondering if you’ve addressed any of these issues with your mom yet and if things have gotten any better? i hate that my wedding has become such a source of stress and tension in my family and i just don’t know what to do to make it better.

Post # 16
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

i am so sorry that you have to go through this.  i echo the advice about putting boundries and recognizing manipulation.   at the end of the day, you are a strong, independant woman.  No one should make you feel bad about your wedding or your decisions, much less your mother. 

birdcastro, while I am very sorry you cannot share your moment with your mother, all mothers are not created equal. It is hard to think that there are mothers that don’t really want the best for their children (not saying this is the case of the OP) or have no desire to help but would rather sabotage.

best of luck! 

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